My Daughter Called

Crying…,

She wants me to rent a 4or 5 bedroom apartment and share it with her and the boys.

She’s been struggling this past year and it just keeps getting harder for her.

I’m conflicted.

On the one hand, I love all of them so much and I really would love to help stabilize all their lives.

On the other side of it is what it might cost me physically, emotionally, and financially.

I haven’t ruled anything out but I do have serious concerns that need to be addressed before I can even begin to think about it seriously…

I have no idea what to do?

Any advice out there?

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BlueVeins · 26-30

Would this jeopardize your ability to retire when you want to?

HikingMan · 56-60, M

@BlueVeins My current retirement plan involves winning the lottery, so it probably wouldn't change much in that regard.
I don't really worry too much about myself. I'm not even too concerned about her to be honest. I love her a real whole lot but she's made the choices that got her there.

My thing is the boys. They deserve some stability and consistiency.

I just got done texting with her. I need to go away for the week for a job up in Maine, but told her to make time available for next Sunday so that we can have a really uncomfortable conversation. A conversation where I'll lay out a list of demands and wants in exchange for my help that will cause me to give up my place I'm at that I love, as I step inside the chaos of her life in an attempt to right her ship and give my grandsons a chance at normalcy and stability.

Ann99 · 41-45, F

I know it must be really tough for a father to see his daughter struggling like this, especially knowing her children are struggling too. I understand your concerns about the physical, emotional, and financial cost, but at the same time, she may really need her father’s support right now. I hope you can find a way to help her and the boys without putting too much on yourself.

HikingMan · 56-60, M

@Ann99 I'll do the best I can to help. But there are a litany of things I'd demand and all kinds of changes she'll need to agree to if I'm going to give up my peace and step into all of her shit.

I hope I can find a way too.
A lot depends upon her responses.

Thank you.

Bexsy

Of course you want to help them. They’re your family and they mean everything to you.

But I can completely understand why you’re conflicted, because you have to take care of yourself too. Especially if you’re already struggling to keep your own head above water.
You have to be careful that trying to keep everyone else from drowning doesn’t end up pulling you under too. I wish I had some solid advice or could tell you what the right answer is, but honestly, I think this is one of those decisions only you can make.

Whatever you decide, your own wellbeing has to be part of that decision too

HikingMan · 56-60, M

@Bexsy I'm willing to sacrifice my sanity, wellbeing, and current relative peace and comfort to help those kids.
But I won't do it in vain, or without appreciation for my sacrifices.

I asked her to make time for a totally uncomfortable conversation this coming Sunday.
I plan to make demands and express my wants, wishes, and expectations.

I just worry about perhaps getting falsified answers and promises that hold no weight inside her mind.

But my boys need some help and it's possible I'm the only one that can give them that...

I keep getting teary eyed, every time I spend too much time thinking about it.
This is not at all what I expected my life to become given how hard I've worked in my life.

There goes any real chance at a love life I guess...

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