I Am a Father

I was just thinking of back when I had to put Luke in the hospital after he had tried to commit suicide. It was thanksgiving and he was so upset that he passed out and I had to watch them strap him down. I had to feed him that night. He was so upset he threw up. Words will never explain how much seeing him in that kind of pain and emotional distress broken my heart. That kind of upset is the gut wrenching kind. You ever heard someone cry and when they do it comes out in this awful tone where you can hear how upset and how bad they are hurting. It's like this awful wailing and that's what he had that night, and I couldn't help him calm down. I watched them put a surgical mask over his mouth and nose cause he kept spitting and screaming profanity at me. they gave him medication that made him a zombie, the rest of the night to calm him down. Just like he is now, (except he's a zombie right now because of brain damage from seizures) I don't even know how much medicine they gave him before, that did not work. I held him while he was asleep and when he woke up. Like, in my arms, cuddling holding. We watched a movie together and cuddled. I stroked his hair and head with my hand to let him know I was there with him and that he was ok and not alone (The physical contact seemed to help him a bit) That he was safe and that I loved him. I don't regret putting him somewhere safe, but I do hate myself for failing him so much that he felt the only way to relief was suicide.

I was just thinking of all this last night and I don't know, I needed to talk to someone about it. I needed to just rant about it. It's a heartbreaking story, I've been letting Lucas sleep with me since his seizure, so I can keep an eye on him, I'll be there if he needs something in the middle of the night, and cause he likes sleeping with me. I guess it makes him feel safer. He's been through a lot in the past few months, I'm
Not going to tell him no to that. Thanks for reading.