Despite of how my mother treated me, she was a goddess to me. I never let people even hint at hurting her.
We had our clashes, yes. But other than my siblings, if anyone threatened her, I beat the shit out of them and worse. I stepped out when my siblings clashed with her because their grievances were legitimate. I only stepped in when their anger had to do with my own childhood. My siblings always felt that she is taking advantage of me which is why they cut her off.
My mother was sacred to me, no matter what. Yes, I was angry at her for choosing my father over me. I still am angry that a mother would choose that monster. It makes me want to choke him and watch life escape his eyes even though he is already dead. Do you know what it is like to want someone to comeback to life so you could end him? I bet not many know the feeling, the rage.
I lost my Sirin because of his greed and obssessions. It was all his fault. He was a monster.
And people know and knew how protective I am of my mother, so they often don't know how to reacte to me remembering all the traumas she created or helped create in my life. I know I am scary, with all my complexities and contradictions. I don't blame them. I scare myself too sometimes.
Even my therapist. She often said that she doesn't want to tap into my aggression. And that the way I reacte was because I was trapped as a child in incredibly complex sheme to save her. So my brain grew into seeing her as an extension of saving Sirin. My feelings are complex. My mother was a child too after all. I see her as a stupid child.
I miss her as a mother misses her child. And I am angry at her in the way a child who was abused rages against her abusers.
I am complex but I am also good, most times. I deserved being loved as a child not trained to become another version of a monster..not trained to accept and inflict violence and play mental games. I deserved to become a better person.
There is the knowledge that I might be better equipped than other people. I know that I have capabilities that may have sprouted from the dirt and are useful in my current thriving. But I don't look at that as consolation. Nothing is more important than having a safe childhood. Nothing.
And you have failed me.
My mother was sacred to me, no matter what. Yes, I was angry at her for choosing my father over me. I still am angry that a mother would choose that monster. It makes me want to choke him and watch life escape his eyes even though he is already dead. Do you know what it is like to want someone to comeback to life so you could end him? I bet not many know the feeling, the rage.
I lost my Sirin because of his greed and obssessions. It was all his fault. He was a monster.
And people know and knew how protective I am of my mother, so they often don't know how to reacte to me remembering all the traumas she created or helped create in my life. I know I am scary, with all my complexities and contradictions. I don't blame them. I scare myself too sometimes.
Even my therapist. She often said that she doesn't want to tap into my aggression. And that the way I reacte was because I was trapped as a child in incredibly complex sheme to save her. So my brain grew into seeing her as an extension of saving Sirin. My feelings are complex. My mother was a child too after all. I see her as a stupid child.
I miss her as a mother misses her child. And I am angry at her in the way a child who was abused rages against her abusers.
I am complex but I am also good, most times. I deserved being loved as a child not trained to become another version of a monster..not trained to accept and inflict violence and play mental games. I deserved to become a better person.
There is the knowledge that I might be better equipped than other people. I know that I have capabilities that may have sprouted from the dirt and are useful in my current thriving. But I don't look at that as consolation. Nothing is more important than having a safe childhood. Nothing.
And you have failed me.
