I feel like a bad mom.
There have been many times since I have become a mother that I feel like I am a bad mom, I know the saying goes "There is no such thing as being a bad mom as long as you are trying" However, I still often feel like I am a bad mother. I feel like my children deserve so much more than the life that I am providing them. My children are amazing, they are the light of my life and there is absolutely nothing that I would not do for them. They are the light of my life and I can not imagine my life without them.
I understand that as long as they have food in their belly, a roof over their head, and clothes on their back they don't require much more, at least that is how my parents viewed being good parents. My mom to this day still swears that she is a great mother, but then again, this is my mother we are talking about. As most know my mother is not the definition that I would use to describe being a good mother, but then again, what do I know? I am still a new parent, I only have six years under my belt, and every day I am sure that I am messing it up someway or somehow. I personally believe that children need more than a roof over their heads, food in their bellies, and clothes on their backs they need love, support, stability, and so much more. My main goal as a mother is to give my children a childhood that they do not have to recover from. My end goal as a mother is to end the cycle of abuse with me.
I love my babies, and I try so hard, but often times I fall short. Sometimes I do not know how to meet all their needs, especially when I am in a mental crisis. I am thankful that I have a husband who can step up when I fall down. My oldest is five, and as hard as I try not to show I know that he knows that sometimes mommy is just sad and I hate that so much. I could care less how others see me, but my kids, I don't want them to see me the way that I see myself and my biggest fear is letting them down. I try hard, and a lot of times I fail, I wonder sometimes if it would be better for them to not have me around. I wonder sometimes if they would be better off with a mother who is more stable and I wonder if I do more harm than good being their mother.
My children are the light of my life, and I try to stick around for them and I work hard to be there for them, I bust my ass at work so they don't want for anything, but sometimes I wonder if my mental illness prevents them from having the life that they deserve. I know that for them I would go to the end of the world to stop them from being hurt in any way or form except when it comes to me. If I am willing to stop their pain, why can't I just get better myself so I can always be there for them and be the kind of mother that they deserve? I don't know why I can't do it, and sometimes it drives me crazy and puts pain in my heart and soul that is impossible to process.
I often feel like a bad mother, I feel like my kids deserve so much more than what I can offer them. I love my babies so much, and there is nothing that I would not do for them. I get up every morning and think of them, and when they are out of my sight I miss them so much I can't handle it. I have a lot of identities, Wife, Mother, Sister Daughter, Friend, Co-worker, Partner, and Boss, but for me the one that really identifies me is Mother. I wish I could do a better job at it It truly is the most rewarding goal out there.
I understand that as long as they have food in their belly, a roof over their head, and clothes on their back they don't require much more, at least that is how my parents viewed being good parents. My mom to this day still swears that she is a great mother, but then again, this is my mother we are talking about. As most know my mother is not the definition that I would use to describe being a good mother, but then again, what do I know? I am still a new parent, I only have six years under my belt, and every day I am sure that I am messing it up someway or somehow. I personally believe that children need more than a roof over their heads, food in their bellies, and clothes on their backs they need love, support, stability, and so much more. My main goal as a mother is to give my children a childhood that they do not have to recover from. My end goal as a mother is to end the cycle of abuse with me.
I love my babies, and I try so hard, but often times I fall short. Sometimes I do not know how to meet all their needs, especially when I am in a mental crisis. I am thankful that I have a husband who can step up when I fall down. My oldest is five, and as hard as I try not to show I know that he knows that sometimes mommy is just sad and I hate that so much. I could care less how others see me, but my kids, I don't want them to see me the way that I see myself and my biggest fear is letting them down. I try hard, and a lot of times I fail, I wonder sometimes if it would be better for them to not have me around. I wonder sometimes if they would be better off with a mother who is more stable and I wonder if I do more harm than good being their mother.
My children are the light of my life, and I try to stick around for them and I work hard to be there for them, I bust my ass at work so they don't want for anything, but sometimes I wonder if my mental illness prevents them from having the life that they deserve. I know that for them I would go to the end of the world to stop them from being hurt in any way or form except when it comes to me. If I am willing to stop their pain, why can't I just get better myself so I can always be there for them and be the kind of mother that they deserve? I don't know why I can't do it, and sometimes it drives me crazy and puts pain in my heart and soul that is impossible to process.
I often feel like a bad mother, I feel like my kids deserve so much more than what I can offer them. I love my babies so much, and there is nothing that I would not do for them. I get up every morning and think of them, and when they are out of my sight I miss them so much I can't handle it. I have a lot of identities, Wife, Mother, Sister Daughter, Friend, Co-worker, Partner, and Boss, but for me the one that really identifies me is Mother. I wish I could do a better job at it It truly is the most rewarding goal out there.
31-35, F
