I sabotage myself and my potential friendships/relationships but I don't really know why.

I'm aware I do it. If anyone here has ever gotten a private message from me, I am trying hard to connect. While also wanting to run screaming to the delusion of safety. Which is what I normally do. I can't let anyone in. I can't remember why I stopped. I've been through my fair share of effed up disappointments over the past decade. I keep getting colder and more alone. But this isn't really me. Or is this me, now...