I Want to Be In a Healthy Loving Relationship

I don't feel like a gf, I feel like someone's mother. I feel like I make all the effort and still there is more need. I feel like I forgive all the time, when there is no forgiveness for me. My one refusal to take part has made things very clear, things were only calm because I played ball.

I feel drained, manipulated and tired. This isn't love at all.

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Mamapolo2016 · F

Hi, there. Took me twenty years to catch on to this and leave. If you feel something's wrong, something is. If you have to change who you are to stay, leave. Realize that there really is nothing there for you and leaving becomes easier. You don't even have to assign blame. "I am a bird and I'm trying to live amicably in a school of fish."

Being a fish is legitimate and being a bird is legitimate, but they can't live together.

Is leaving hard? Only if you make it so. In the end, you walk to the door, turn the knob, and go.

Good luck, honey.

ZenKitzune · F

@Mamapolo2016 Leaving is hard when he talks about suicide all the time.

Mamapolo2016 · F

@ZenKitzune It is. Staying will get harder, too.

If he only talks about suicide when you're talking about leaving, it's manipulation. And there is more than one way to die. Staying where you can never be happy because he won't change, for example.

ZenKitzune · F

@Mamapolo2016 Things are bad for him, I know he's trying and that's what makes it so difficult. I love him, I just don't know how long I should wait. I know everyone sees it as very black and white but I think everyone knows it isn't that way when you are with a person.

Mamapolo2016 · F

@ZenKitzune It isn't and it is. If both of you are trying, and it isn't working for one or both...what is the advantage of throwing good time away after bad?

The longer you are together, the deeper the cement. Sure, talk about it, give it the old college try...but there is more than one person for him and for you as well. Leaving is not the end of the world for either of you, and may well be the beginning of a brave new one.

Rarely will you meet someone who says - I wish I'd stayed longer....

ZenKitzune · F

@Mamapolo2016 It isn't me I'm worried about.

Mamapolo2016 · F

@ZenKitzune But it should be. For both your sakes.

After I finally dragged myself away, I saw a 'should I leave?' checklist.

1. Am I happy or sad more often?

2. Do I feel I'm becoming bitter?

3. Is it easier and easier to make me angry? make me cry? make me think dark thoughts?

4. Do other people tell me I'm changing for the worse?

5. When something happens, am I more concerned about his reaction than my own?

It's a starting place.

ZenKitzune · F

@Mamapolo2016 I meditate every day, I feel calmer than I ever have. I am mostly happy but feel I need other people to talk to as my bf is very wrapped up in his depression. People say I'm way better than I was...

It's really hard to get much from that check list tbh.

I took some time for myself over the weekend, I don't do that often..he took it as me not wanting to spend time with him. I had to be honest and say that he can be hard work at times. He is usually quiet and sad but this sparked panic, I get it because i have been there myself. I feel like perhaps he needs to hit a desperate place in order to wake up from where he is.

I'm not anxious about this, just annoyed that he is using (or trying to use) manipulation tactics on me right now. It's all very transparent.

Mamapolo2016 · F

@ZenKitzune That sounds healthy.

Mamapolo2016 · F

Complete change in tone - "I know a thing or two about leaving" is about as excellent a song title as I've heard lately.

ZenKitzune · F

@Mamapolo2016 lol yeah. I am pretty hands off emotionally, I'm supportive but I don't let shit get to me as I once would have. I am just surprised at this recent outburst of nonsense. He appears to be treating me like a parent more than a gf who could and might leave! My plan is to leave him to think about things, and hopefully realise what he has.