To my father...
I don't know the kind of father any of you have had, but I recently felt inspired to write a post about mine.
To my Dad:
I hardly knew you growing up. You were literally gone almost all day, every week day, working for most of my life. I often wondered if you had alot of secrets and you just came back to our home to sleep. On weekends you were so busy doing man chores and catching up on work or showing my older brothers how to help you that you'd shoo me away from even watching you from the doorstep...because I was a girl and shouldn't learn boy things. I remember you berating me for being interested in anything not girly enough. I remember you were the calm influence in the house while Mom would scream and yell and rant and cry. But you never yelled unless we were in actual immediate danger.
I remember that I never saw you confront your wife for verbally abusing her kids. Most of the time you'd frown or walk away.
I remember each time mom said you loved me more then her and that she hated me for it. I didn't understand because you never said "I love you", that we did anything well, or that you were proud of us -to any of us growing up
I also remember you'd routinely send me out to a suicidal mother in a panic attack for hours...(to do what I don't know) but I'd rube her back and calm and reassure and lie to my mom when she'd lock the door against everyone else and wouldn't accept anyone else except me near her. I remember you'd never ask me about what happened during those moments. I think you didn't know how to ask or what to do.
I remember you'd let me cook all kinds of foods for you as a kid and you'd try most of them.
I remember when you'd make racist remarks, but stopped when I was a teenager and finally realized it was wrong.
I remember you'd ask advice on how to romance mom and buy her gifts. I remember when you'd spend a half hour once a week for a month with me (that was my special time with dad) so I could get a B in math class. I remember how you'd tell me you couldn't help me with any girl things and sorry that my mom couldn't help me either. I remember when I played soccer and volleyball and would practice in the yard, you'd stop and watch for exactly five minutes every Friday night because that was all the time you had. If I was lucky we'd pass the ball back and forth five times and you'd tell me a story of the sports you did as a kid and how you practiced everyday.
I remember bonding over music once and when you made a mixtape for me. And how you'd let me raid your bookcase. I remember when I was a young child...whenever mom was really suicidal and frustrated and would leave the house for hours and hours and you'd asked me where mom was...I never had the heart to tell you that it might have been our last day with mom each and every single time it happened...so I'd lie to you.
I remember how you could never sleep on those nights and anytime mom was gone for any reason would leave you sleepless. I never could sleep either. And I think you knew that too.
I remember you were a coward about many things. But I suppose I am a little bit too.
I remember hearing your heart-wrenching wails through a door, when you found out only a little bit of what a monster my brother was capable of. I remember when my brother beat you up in a manic fit, but you still loved him and made sure he got to the hospital. I remember it left me terrified to tell you anything he did to me. I remember a few times you rescued me from him even though you didn't know you had. I remember you telling me that I taught you what it means to have daughter who is so smart and independent and that I changed how you thought about women and many other things. That women could do men things and that he wished he'd been smart enough to see it earlier. I remember when you cried silent tears when I left for university. I had never seen you cry before. I remember hugging you so hard. I remember calling you for car advice when I bought my first car. In remember you calling me when you'd feel paralyzed by chest pains and I'd tell you to call an ambulance and that I would too and I'd drive as fast as I could.
I remember when you worked extra hours to pay for therapy when my mom accepted that she finally needed it, and we hardly saw you...again.
I remember when you had an accident that left you bedridden, and years later in a wheelchair. How you went through dozens of surgeries, with awful blood infections and heart attacks. How you did physical therapy for years. And that you said it was worth it, and that your motivation was to be able to physically walk me down the aisle and dance with me at my wedding instead of uselessly in a wheelchair. I felt really mad at you for putting your life at risk and with so much hardship and pain. just to walk for one day.
Congrats Dad! You got to do that. You looked so happy and proud! We cried so much. I love you so much. You aren't a perfect person or perfect dad. I've come to realize that alot of things scare the hell out of you. But you are still amazing for the strengths you do have and for loving me and I love you so much!
To my Dad:
I hardly knew you growing up. You were literally gone almost all day, every week day, working for most of my life. I often wondered if you had alot of secrets and you just came back to our home to sleep. On weekends you were so busy doing man chores and catching up on work or showing my older brothers how to help you that you'd shoo me away from even watching you from the doorstep...because I was a girl and shouldn't learn boy things. I remember you berating me for being interested in anything not girly enough. I remember you were the calm influence in the house while Mom would scream and yell and rant and cry. But you never yelled unless we were in actual immediate danger.
I remember that I never saw you confront your wife for verbally abusing her kids. Most of the time you'd frown or walk away.
I remember each time mom said you loved me more then her and that she hated me for it. I didn't understand because you never said "I love you", that we did anything well, or that you were proud of us -to any of us growing up
I also remember you'd routinely send me out to a suicidal mother in a panic attack for hours...(to do what I don't know) but I'd rube her back and calm and reassure and lie to my mom when she'd lock the door against everyone else and wouldn't accept anyone else except me near her. I remember you'd never ask me about what happened during those moments. I think you didn't know how to ask or what to do.
I remember you'd let me cook all kinds of foods for you as a kid and you'd try most of them.
I remember when you'd make racist remarks, but stopped when I was a teenager and finally realized it was wrong.
I remember you'd ask advice on how to romance mom and buy her gifts. I remember when you'd spend a half hour once a week for a month with me (that was my special time with dad) so I could get a B in math class. I remember how you'd tell me you couldn't help me with any girl things and sorry that my mom couldn't help me either. I remember when I played soccer and volleyball and would practice in the yard, you'd stop and watch for exactly five minutes every Friday night because that was all the time you had. If I was lucky we'd pass the ball back and forth five times and you'd tell me a story of the sports you did as a kid and how you practiced everyday.
I remember bonding over music once and when you made a mixtape for me. And how you'd let me raid your bookcase. I remember when I was a young child...whenever mom was really suicidal and frustrated and would leave the house for hours and hours and you'd asked me where mom was...I never had the heart to tell you that it might have been our last day with mom each and every single time it happened...so I'd lie to you.
I remember how you could never sleep on those nights and anytime mom was gone for any reason would leave you sleepless. I never could sleep either. And I think you knew that too.
I remember you were a coward about many things. But I suppose I am a little bit too.
I remember hearing your heart-wrenching wails through a door, when you found out only a little bit of what a monster my brother was capable of. I remember when my brother beat you up in a manic fit, but you still loved him and made sure he got to the hospital. I remember it left me terrified to tell you anything he did to me. I remember a few times you rescued me from him even though you didn't know you had. I remember you telling me that I taught you what it means to have daughter who is so smart and independent and that I changed how you thought about women and many other things. That women could do men things and that he wished he'd been smart enough to see it earlier. I remember when you cried silent tears when I left for university. I had never seen you cry before. I remember hugging you so hard. I remember calling you for car advice when I bought my first car. In remember you calling me when you'd feel paralyzed by chest pains and I'd tell you to call an ambulance and that I would too and I'd drive as fast as I could.
I remember when you worked extra hours to pay for therapy when my mom accepted that she finally needed it, and we hardly saw you...again.
I remember when you had an accident that left you bedridden, and years later in a wheelchair. How you went through dozens of surgeries, with awful blood infections and heart attacks. How you did physical therapy for years. And that you said it was worth it, and that your motivation was to be able to physically walk me down the aisle and dance with me at my wedding instead of uselessly in a wheelchair. I felt really mad at you for putting your life at risk and with so much hardship and pain. just to walk for one day.
Congrats Dad! You got to do that. You looked so happy and proud! We cried so much. I love you so much. You aren't a perfect person or perfect dad. I've come to realize that alot of things scare the hell out of you. But you are still amazing for the strengths you do have and for loving me and I love you so much!
