Thinking about my little brother...This is long (and not about adult topics)
Today, I added a post about people calling my little brother and I, either Raggedy Ann and Andy or Mutt and Jeff. It was the "Old Timers" at the old folks home my great grandparents worked at that called my little brother and I that. I really never knew what Mutt and Jeff were all about. So, I decided to watch some of the Mutt and Jeff cartoons, and I can really see why they called us that. We were like that. My little brother and I only had each other as a constant in our childhood. 🙂
My mother only had us for a month (or so) about 3 times a year, but during those three months, she would change our school at least 4 times. She couldn't pay her rent (because she used the money for other things), so we always had to move. This meant no friends could ever be made. All we had were each other for friends, and the two of us were the only family who didn't abuse or abandon each other. So, we became all that was good in the world to each other. We were best friends. We were thick as thieves.❤
When he was born, my mom put him in my arms and said, "There, now you're a mom!", and she meant it. I was 2 years old when he was born. I took care of everything he needed to the best of my ability. I used to push a chair over to his crib so I could get in and feed him his bottle and things like this.❤
Then we would go back to our great-grandparents, where I was scolded and punished for acting like his mom. They didn't know how life with our mom was. Well, they knew a little. My great-grandmother asked me, a couple of times, if I remembered when she came to pick us up, and she found me feeding my little brother soggy cereal through the crib bars, while my mom slept. I told her I didn't remember.😔
We were so close that one time my Kindergarten teacher asked my great-grandparents to adopt me, but she didn't want my little brother. She already had 3 sons and wanted a daughter. My great-grandmother told her no, not because she didn't want to give me up, but because my brother couldn't survive without me. 😔
Anyway, I have recently started hearing from my inner child again( I wrote about that in another post), and when I watched the cartoons, she reminded me ( Her name is Debber Ann) of how everything had been with my little brother, and I showed her what had happened to us since. The tears rolled like a waterfall for several minutes. My daughters were concerned, but I told them it was a good thing, and it was.🙂
When I left home, because my life was in danger, I begged my Husband to take my little brother too. However, no amount of pleading, arguing, talking about, etc. would convince him to take my little brother. He said he had his hands full with me and couldn't be responsible for my little brother. I can't tell you how hard it was for me to leave my little brother, except to say it was so hard that I had stomped all these memories so deep inside my mind, I had hoped to never remember again. 😔
My little brother fell apart slowly but surely after this, and I blame myself every minute of my life for this. No one could ever convince me otherwise, either. He became a bad alcoholic for several years. Then he came out of it and found a wife for a year. Then, he had a girlfriend with kids, and they stayed together for a few years. He managed c-stores and restaurants, and he looked like it would be ok, but it didn't last.😔
He got into drugs and spent many years spiraling. Last year he went to the Pen. He is in a halfway house now and has been clean for many months. He understands why I had to leave. So do I, but how do I not blame myself when I knew I was his everything? There was NOTHING else I could do, but leave. I would not have made it if I stayed, but I was reminded today how much this has hurt both he and I over the years.😥
You know, sometimes you think you have stuffed bad memories and emotions away, and you will never have to deal with them again. This hasn't been the case for me. It is a good thing to deal with them, now that I am old and I can see everything from a non-child point of view, but all that pain is still there. The pain grows less and less with every river of tears that fall from my eyes, though. I am healing. I just wish that so much distance had not grown between my little brother and I, but I guess this is the way things had to be. I love my little brother with all my heart. I always have and I always will...❤
Here are some of the Mutt and Jeff cartoons. I really like them...🙂
[media=https://youtu.be/Y-rPouGBz7k]
[media=https://youtu.be/UXY2MFREns0]
My mother only had us for a month (or so) about 3 times a year, but during those three months, she would change our school at least 4 times. She couldn't pay her rent (because she used the money for other things), so we always had to move. This meant no friends could ever be made. All we had were each other for friends, and the two of us were the only family who didn't abuse or abandon each other. So, we became all that was good in the world to each other. We were best friends. We were thick as thieves.❤
When he was born, my mom put him in my arms and said, "There, now you're a mom!", and she meant it. I was 2 years old when he was born. I took care of everything he needed to the best of my ability. I used to push a chair over to his crib so I could get in and feed him his bottle and things like this.❤
Then we would go back to our great-grandparents, where I was scolded and punished for acting like his mom. They didn't know how life with our mom was. Well, they knew a little. My great-grandmother asked me, a couple of times, if I remembered when she came to pick us up, and she found me feeding my little brother soggy cereal through the crib bars, while my mom slept. I told her I didn't remember.😔
We were so close that one time my Kindergarten teacher asked my great-grandparents to adopt me, but she didn't want my little brother. She already had 3 sons and wanted a daughter. My great-grandmother told her no, not because she didn't want to give me up, but because my brother couldn't survive without me. 😔
Anyway, I have recently started hearing from my inner child again( I wrote about that in another post), and when I watched the cartoons, she reminded me ( Her name is Debber Ann) of how everything had been with my little brother, and I showed her what had happened to us since. The tears rolled like a waterfall for several minutes. My daughters were concerned, but I told them it was a good thing, and it was.🙂
When I left home, because my life was in danger, I begged my Husband to take my little brother too. However, no amount of pleading, arguing, talking about, etc. would convince him to take my little brother. He said he had his hands full with me and couldn't be responsible for my little brother. I can't tell you how hard it was for me to leave my little brother, except to say it was so hard that I had stomped all these memories so deep inside my mind, I had hoped to never remember again. 😔
My little brother fell apart slowly but surely after this, and I blame myself every minute of my life for this. No one could ever convince me otherwise, either. He became a bad alcoholic for several years. Then he came out of it and found a wife for a year. Then, he had a girlfriend with kids, and they stayed together for a few years. He managed c-stores and restaurants, and he looked like it would be ok, but it didn't last.😔
He got into drugs and spent many years spiraling. Last year he went to the Pen. He is in a halfway house now and has been clean for many months. He understands why I had to leave. So do I, but how do I not blame myself when I knew I was his everything? There was NOTHING else I could do, but leave. I would not have made it if I stayed, but I was reminded today how much this has hurt both he and I over the years.😥
You know, sometimes you think you have stuffed bad memories and emotions away, and you will never have to deal with them again. This hasn't been the case for me. It is a good thing to deal with them, now that I am old and I can see everything from a non-child point of view, but all that pain is still there. The pain grows less and less with every river of tears that fall from my eyes, though. I am healing. I just wish that so much distance had not grown between my little brother and I, but I guess this is the way things had to be. I love my little brother with all my heart. I always have and I always will...❤
Here are some of the Mutt and Jeff cartoons. I really like them...🙂
[media=https://youtu.be/Y-rPouGBz7k]
[media=https://youtu.be/UXY2MFREns0]
