Processing
How the (not so mighty) have fallen.
Seeing my ex shuffle into the visitor centre on a walking stick was just the start. He's a beaten man, physically and spiritually.
He'd been moved as he was attacked in the last prison by members of the gang he ran with. They really did a number on his leg. His knee is completely buggered and he'll never walk properly again.
He was a shadow of the former gansta I lived with. He admits he was a complete idiot after his last release and getting caught while still on licence with more drugs and weapons in the car was "ultra dumb". The gang were also angry beyond belief as the one thing he'd been told was to keep a low profile. 50mph through a 20mph zone being spotted by a traffic cop and then trying to out run them and crashing into a van wasn't the best way to achieve that. Since I met him as a 15 year old he's never shown much in the way of smarts.
He is on the drug rehabilitation programme. Claims he's up to Step 9. He'd heard I was sober but I still think shocked when I shot back loads of AA speak at him. I told him I had accepted what he'd done and I had tried to forgive him. He really doesn't get it I don't think. I've seen plenty going through the motions of the programme to impress someone - he's firmly in that bracket to me.
Still I said I appreciated his attempt as "making amends" then said the best way for him to really do that for me was to
a) never ever be around me again
b) get himself straight and sober
c) do something worthwhile with the rest of his life
I'm still processing how I feel about it. Riding back on the train to meet my bf and pick up the car my stepdad said "You've laid out your conditions again let's see how he fails this time" and smiled that quirky Jamaican grin of his which suddenly made me burst out laughing and then crying.
Went to a meeting last night and shared about it. Talked with my sponsor on the phone for an age this morning and now typing this. Just gotta try and get it out my system.
Seeing my ex shuffle into the visitor centre on a walking stick was just the start. He's a beaten man, physically and spiritually.
He'd been moved as he was attacked in the last prison by members of the gang he ran with. They really did a number on his leg. His knee is completely buggered and he'll never walk properly again.
He was a shadow of the former gansta I lived with. He admits he was a complete idiot after his last release and getting caught while still on licence with more drugs and weapons in the car was "ultra dumb". The gang were also angry beyond belief as the one thing he'd been told was to keep a low profile. 50mph through a 20mph zone being spotted by a traffic cop and then trying to out run them and crashing into a van wasn't the best way to achieve that. Since I met him as a 15 year old he's never shown much in the way of smarts.
He is on the drug rehabilitation programme. Claims he's up to Step 9. He'd heard I was sober but I still think shocked when I shot back loads of AA speak at him. I told him I had accepted what he'd done and I had tried to forgive him. He really doesn't get it I don't think. I've seen plenty going through the motions of the programme to impress someone - he's firmly in that bracket to me.
Still I said I appreciated his attempt as "making amends" then said the best way for him to really do that for me was to
a) never ever be around me again
b) get himself straight and sober
c) do something worthwhile with the rest of his life
I'm still processing how I feel about it. Riding back on the train to meet my bf and pick up the car my stepdad said "You've laid out your conditions again let's see how he fails this time" and smiled that quirky Jamaican grin of his which suddenly made me burst out laughing and then crying.
Went to a meeting last night and shared about it. Talked with my sponsor on the phone for an age this morning and now typing this. Just gotta try and get it out my system.
