I Am Going Through a Divorce Right Now
Following two comments I removed, I must invite you to read this threat to the end. It is not a succession of bitter complaints, it is about emotional abuse and how to identify it.
I share some personal experiences to help people grasp the nature of the abuse I am illustrating.
It is almost over, what a rough ride it has been.
I am trying to secure a flat I want to move to, and I had to argue with my ex yesterday over it.
The settlement (Consent order in the UK) we both signed says that I will get a pay out as soon as I signed over the deeds of the house over to her and I did sign the documents two weeks ago and delivered them myself to her lawyer.
She now claims her lawyer is not releasing the money until I move out.
It had been long established that this lump sum was my 'moving out' money, So not having the money has made my search for accommodation very complicated.
I have already argued with her that it wasn't what was agreed and yesterday I read again the documents I signed, and me signing the deeds of the house over to her is the only condition put to the money being transferred to me.
The argument was confusing and infuriating. As often with her, when I bring up a clear issue, she muddles it up with tons of vaguely related issues, she brings in insults and personal attacks, she contest the sanity of my reasoning. She answer my questions with unrelated facts, she goes back an forth through the time line like a time lord.
I have been down this road many times before and I recognise the pattern.
During our marriage I was blind to it, and all the arguments led me to have low self esteem and doubt my own mental health.
But having had to houseshare for two years with her whilst waiting for the divorce procedure to be complete, I have been able to see her as an outsider.
And I became aware of many troubling facts:
I was able to see the dozens of abusive remarks she will pepper our conversation with:
I don't think you will be able to cope on your own.
I have no illusion you will never be financially able to help me with the children.
You will most likely disappear from there life like my friend's ex.
etc.
Then I say the denial:
Telling me I haven't worked in two years and that I am lazy and not helping:
For two years I was at home doing all the house keeping, grocery shopping, laundry, ironing, taking my eldest to school, attending parents evening etc and on top of that I have been watching my children at home whilst she goes to see her boyfriend or go babysitting (3 to 5 nights per week and one weekend every two),
Then there is the plain absurd:
Saying in an accusatory tone that she is the only one paying for the petrol tanks in my car. I bought this car on my own money two years ago, I paid for her to be on the insurance so she could use it to transport our children.
She has in fact used it 3 to 5 times per week, mostly to go see her boyfriend who live in another town (72 miles/115km per week). I only used the car for myself for local journey (10-15 miles per week.). Therefore it seems absurd that I should fill the tank when the main use of the care is her going to see her boyfriend.
All those details would probably lead most people to think:
But she is insane and bent onto picking fights!
And the answer is:
Yes she is.
It took me a very long time to realise that, it took me falling out of love with her.
By observing her I started to realise how frequently she undermines me.
Then one day I came across an article and upon reading it, and reading through it I recognised a lot of the behaviour and situations that characterise my marital life for the last year.
For years I have been subjected to a form of emotional abuse called Gaslighting, in psychological terms it is seen as a form or Narcistic manipulation.
So if like me you are in a very unhappy relationship.
If you find that all the efforts you make count for nothing.
If you doubt your self worth.
If your partner systematically questions your intelligence, your memory, your sanity, your abilities.
If you have arguments that leave you feeling disoriented and unable to comprehend how things got out of hand.
Maybe you are also a victim of gaslighting.
Here are a few links that sum up the relationships dynamics that characterise this form of abuse.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting-in-relationships
http://www.thehotline.org/what-is-gaslighting/
Realising that I had been subjected to this for over 10 years has been a mind blowing discovery.
I have felt stupid for not seeing it before, to not notice the patterns.
But that is the most pernicious aspect of gaslighting: it pulls a veil over your eyes and you do not realise you are subjected to it.
I have questioned lots of things about my ex's behaviour and wondered why she treated me like this.
The most rational explanation is that she fell out of love with me a decade ago. But refused to admit to it and as I provided her with safety and comfort, she chose to stay with me. She was unhappy being with someone she doesn't love, and became resentful and abusive.
The is also the fact that her father is very similar and has abused his own family for years, so maybe he also shaped her into seeing this as a suitable relationship model.
There is only one solution to this form of relationship unfortunately: Separation.
If you feel you are subjected to this kind of abuse, break your isolation, make friends, speak to others about what you go through, get perspective on things and seek counselling, or therapy.
You are a victim and you need to get out of it as soon as possible.
To come back to my initial account, my ex and he lawyer bringing up complication to what was agreed on is just another aspect of her manipulative nature. She wants me out, she hates me but at the same time she can't resolve herself to loosing me.
I hope this will help others.
I share some personal experiences to help people grasp the nature of the abuse I am illustrating.
It is almost over, what a rough ride it has been.
I am trying to secure a flat I want to move to, and I had to argue with my ex yesterday over it.
The settlement (Consent order in the UK) we both signed says that I will get a pay out as soon as I signed over the deeds of the house over to her and I did sign the documents two weeks ago and delivered them myself to her lawyer.
She now claims her lawyer is not releasing the money until I move out.
It had been long established that this lump sum was my 'moving out' money, So not having the money has made my search for accommodation very complicated.
I have already argued with her that it wasn't what was agreed and yesterday I read again the documents I signed, and me signing the deeds of the house over to her is the only condition put to the money being transferred to me.
The argument was confusing and infuriating. As often with her, when I bring up a clear issue, she muddles it up with tons of vaguely related issues, she brings in insults and personal attacks, she contest the sanity of my reasoning. She answer my questions with unrelated facts, she goes back an forth through the time line like a time lord.
I have been down this road many times before and I recognise the pattern.
During our marriage I was blind to it, and all the arguments led me to have low self esteem and doubt my own mental health.
But having had to houseshare for two years with her whilst waiting for the divorce procedure to be complete, I have been able to see her as an outsider.
And I became aware of many troubling facts:
I was able to see the dozens of abusive remarks she will pepper our conversation with:
I don't think you will be able to cope on your own.
I have no illusion you will never be financially able to help me with the children.
You will most likely disappear from there life like my friend's ex.
etc.
Then I say the denial:
Telling me I haven't worked in two years and that I am lazy and not helping:
For two years I was at home doing all the house keeping, grocery shopping, laundry, ironing, taking my eldest to school, attending parents evening etc and on top of that I have been watching my children at home whilst she goes to see her boyfriend or go babysitting (3 to 5 nights per week and one weekend every two),
Then there is the plain absurd:
Saying in an accusatory tone that she is the only one paying for the petrol tanks in my car. I bought this car on my own money two years ago, I paid for her to be on the insurance so she could use it to transport our children.
She has in fact used it 3 to 5 times per week, mostly to go see her boyfriend who live in another town (72 miles/115km per week). I only used the car for myself for local journey (10-15 miles per week.). Therefore it seems absurd that I should fill the tank when the main use of the care is her going to see her boyfriend.
All those details would probably lead most people to think:
But she is insane and bent onto picking fights!
And the answer is:
Yes she is.
It took me a very long time to realise that, it took me falling out of love with her.
By observing her I started to realise how frequently she undermines me.
Then one day I came across an article and upon reading it, and reading through it I recognised a lot of the behaviour and situations that characterise my marital life for the last year.
For years I have been subjected to a form of emotional abuse called Gaslighting, in psychological terms it is seen as a form or Narcistic manipulation.
So if like me you are in a very unhappy relationship.
If you find that all the efforts you make count for nothing.
If you doubt your self worth.
If your partner systematically questions your intelligence, your memory, your sanity, your abilities.
If you have arguments that leave you feeling disoriented and unable to comprehend how things got out of hand.
Maybe you are also a victim of gaslighting.
Here are a few links that sum up the relationships dynamics that characterise this form of abuse.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting-in-relationships
http://www.thehotline.org/what-is-gaslighting/
Realising that I had been subjected to this for over 10 years has been a mind blowing discovery.
I have felt stupid for not seeing it before, to not notice the patterns.
But that is the most pernicious aspect of gaslighting: it pulls a veil over your eyes and you do not realise you are subjected to it.
I have questioned lots of things about my ex's behaviour and wondered why she treated me like this.
The most rational explanation is that she fell out of love with me a decade ago. But refused to admit to it and as I provided her with safety and comfort, she chose to stay with me. She was unhappy being with someone she doesn't love, and became resentful and abusive.
The is also the fact that her father is very similar and has abused his own family for years, so maybe he also shaped her into seeing this as a suitable relationship model.
There is only one solution to this form of relationship unfortunately: Separation.
If you feel you are subjected to this kind of abuse, break your isolation, make friends, speak to others about what you go through, get perspective on things and seek counselling, or therapy.
You are a victim and you need to get out of it as soon as possible.
To come back to my initial account, my ex and he lawyer bringing up complication to what was agreed on is just another aspect of her manipulative nature. She wants me out, she hates me but at the same time she can't resolve herself to loosing me.
I hope this will help others.
