I Come From a Broken Family
I had it hard.
I never got to wake up to the smell of breakfast and a happy mom and dad in the morning.
I never got to be hugged and kissed and told to have a good day at school in the mornings.
I never got to have good friends and to be accepted into groups as a child.
I never got to come home to open arms and receive help with my homework.
I never got tucked in or a kiss goodnight.
I always woke up to a blaring alarm clock to my dad and waking up my 3 younger siblings.
I always was dropped off at the babysitters at 5 am where we'd catch the bus for school.
I always spent my time at lunch and recess to be peaceful where I learned my love for reading.
I always rode the bus back to my babysitters where I'd find myself doing something wrong and standing in a corner until I fell asleep.
I never got to be told I was beautiful by my parents.
I never got support or praise from my friends about my thoughts or successes.
I never got to brag about my parents' jobs or successes like my classmates did.
I never got to wear the name-brands or the cleanest clothes.
I never told anyone I loved them.
I was told I didn't look good enough to make friends.
I was told to stop doing so many strange activities and hobbies I can't pursue.
I was told to stop thinking about college, because it'd never happen.
I was told I need to look different or nobody will like me.
I was told that nobody loved me.
I never got to go shopping with my mom for clothes every year.
I never got to be taught how to fish by my dad growing up.
I never got to see my parents together, happily.
I never was told I'm fine the way I am.
I never spoke positively about myself..
I always got to be taken clothes shopping by my grandparents, where I'd feel ashamed and embarrassed about my body.
I always learned everything about my family through strangers.
I always had to hear arguing and yelling while pretending to be asleep.
I always will feel ashamed that I cannot be fine with the way that I am.
I always saw the good in everyone.
To this day, I'm being told I need help.
I'm being told I need therapy and counseling and medication and mentoring.
I'm not okay. You don't need to remind me.
How do you expect me to be okay?
My family was ripped apart and shredded before I was even five years old.
My family shrunk once my best friends died before I was ten.
I was suicidal and depressed and anxious and nothing but worry filled my entire mentality before I was fifteen.
I lost my brothers, my friends, my parents, I spent half a year in a shelter, where I was based on tallies of behavior.
Nobody knows my story or what I've been through, and I don't think anybody ever will know the whole thing.
Everybody only knows that I'm NOT okay.
But even while being a mess of constant panic and crippling anxiety and depression so heavy it's like lifting a car getting up in the morning, even with all of that plus my upbringing, me being all alone before I go to college.
It's not easy, how am I supposed to be okay?
It took a lot for me to fight against my fears. To open up and meet new people. To be excited about company coming over. To not hide in my bedroom 24/7. To make plans with friends.
Things I was told I'd never do just all mere TWO years ago
To this day, I suffer the tingling sensation and lack of breathing in an anxiety attack.
To this day, I suffer the hyperventilation and racing thoughts in a panic attack.
To this day, I suffer the slowness and mental, emotional, physical ache of depression.
To this day, I don't believe I need medication.
I don't need help or counseling or therapy.
I did it on my own.
I don't fear eye contact anymore. I don't look at the ground as I walk anymore. I embrace hugs now more than ever. I'll speak before being spoken to. I don't hide in a shadow or a whisper anymore.
Some of these things are still being worked on.
It's not easy. I had it hard. And it's still hard.
But I fought my entire life to have the motivation and confidence I have today, even if it's very little.
I'm not done fighting.
Now I don't have to follow rules or laws. It's just me against the world.
I had it hard. And I'm still winning.
I never got to wake up to the smell of breakfast and a happy mom and dad in the morning.
I never got to be hugged and kissed and told to have a good day at school in the mornings.
I never got to have good friends and to be accepted into groups as a child.
I never got to come home to open arms and receive help with my homework.
I never got tucked in or a kiss goodnight.
I always woke up to a blaring alarm clock to my dad and waking up my 3 younger siblings.
I always was dropped off at the babysitters at 5 am where we'd catch the bus for school.
I always spent my time at lunch and recess to be peaceful where I learned my love for reading.
I always rode the bus back to my babysitters where I'd find myself doing something wrong and standing in a corner until I fell asleep.
I never got to be told I was beautiful by my parents.
I never got support or praise from my friends about my thoughts or successes.
I never got to brag about my parents' jobs or successes like my classmates did.
I never got to wear the name-brands or the cleanest clothes.
I never told anyone I loved them.
I was told I didn't look good enough to make friends.
I was told to stop doing so many strange activities and hobbies I can't pursue.
I was told to stop thinking about college, because it'd never happen.
I was told I need to look different or nobody will like me.
I was told that nobody loved me.
I never got to go shopping with my mom for clothes every year.
I never got to be taught how to fish by my dad growing up.
I never got to see my parents together, happily.
I never was told I'm fine the way I am.
I never spoke positively about myself..
I always got to be taken clothes shopping by my grandparents, where I'd feel ashamed and embarrassed about my body.
I always learned everything about my family through strangers.
I always had to hear arguing and yelling while pretending to be asleep.
I always will feel ashamed that I cannot be fine with the way that I am.
I always saw the good in everyone.
To this day, I'm being told I need help.
I'm being told I need therapy and counseling and medication and mentoring.
I'm not okay. You don't need to remind me.
How do you expect me to be okay?
My family was ripped apart and shredded before I was even five years old.
My family shrunk once my best friends died before I was ten.
I was suicidal and depressed and anxious and nothing but worry filled my entire mentality before I was fifteen.
I lost my brothers, my friends, my parents, I spent half a year in a shelter, where I was based on tallies of behavior.
Nobody knows my story or what I've been through, and I don't think anybody ever will know the whole thing.
Everybody only knows that I'm NOT okay.
But even while being a mess of constant panic and crippling anxiety and depression so heavy it's like lifting a car getting up in the morning, even with all of that plus my upbringing, me being all alone before I go to college.
It's not easy, how am I supposed to be okay?
It took a lot for me to fight against my fears. To open up and meet new people. To be excited about company coming over. To not hide in my bedroom 24/7. To make plans with friends.
Things I was told I'd never do just all mere TWO years ago
To this day, I suffer the tingling sensation and lack of breathing in an anxiety attack.
To this day, I suffer the hyperventilation and racing thoughts in a panic attack.
To this day, I suffer the slowness and mental, emotional, physical ache of depression.
To this day, I don't believe I need medication.
I don't need help or counseling or therapy.
I did it on my own.
I don't fear eye contact anymore. I don't look at the ground as I walk anymore. I embrace hugs now more than ever. I'll speak before being spoken to. I don't hide in a shadow or a whisper anymore.
Some of these things are still being worked on.
It's not easy. I had it hard. And it's still hard.
But I fought my entire life to have the motivation and confidence I have today, even if it's very little.
I'm not done fighting.
Now I don't have to follow rules or laws. It's just me against the world.
I had it hard. And I'm still winning.
