I just woke up from an intense nightmare of my mother dying, she's alive and well but it really makes you remember how fragile your state of being is.

It was such a realistic one too. Seamlessly going from moment to moment. From intense sadness to confusion. From confusion to grief. From grief to denial, and back from denial to despair.

I kept thinking "Why? If only! but maybe?"

There was a suicide note, my father fetched it for me, I read it and it was broken english and it never spoke of suicide. I was filled with ideas of conspiracy, and I ran to my father.

Me: "This doesn't speak of suicide?!"
Him: "Then I accidentally gave you something old she wrote..."
Me: "So this is not it?"
Him: "There is one that explains everything, just check downstairs again, it should be the second one from the top"

I walked down and saw the stacks of paper.

Me: "There's so much shit it can be anywhere!"
Him: "Yes, i know... sigh"
Me: "...Did they actually find her phone? The car?"
Him: "Yes"
Me: "Did they find her?!"
Him: "Yes, everything has been found!"

And I was lost. I had the sinking feeling that everything was too late, all the questions, finding answers.. it was too late to use your brain, and all the burden fell on my heart. The dream did not end abruptly, I had plenty of time to think it over before I woke up. The second I started writing this she texted me a scripture from the bible, what a coincidence. 🥰