A Mom's Heart -- Just wanted someone to talk to. Be seen and heard.
Yes, this is a long one, so if you don't want to read it, then just pass on it. No problem. Just really wanting to write this down, to just verbalize it, if you know what I mean. It's nice when someone hears you.
I never get to see my youngest son, Robert. He lives 3 hours away. He never calls and never comes over. The last time he was here was like 3 years ago because they had to bring me something, I forget what. I practically begged him to please visit with me by himself this time, because I have grieved over that for 40 years that he never comes to see me, and I miss him so bad. I've never had my alone time with my son. He lied to me tonight. That side of the family is very strange.
I had car trouble but besides that I live in Illinois and he lives in Missouri and I needed the car he had let me borrow, to get the license plate sticker renewed. All these years, I have never had one single moment with him to myself, to go fishing or just visit with me, or go out to eat with me or anything. Never. His wife is very controlling. She's the boss. I can't even talk to my son on the phone without her listening in or making a comment while we're on the phone. And then I discover she's been listening in. She always does.
He had to come over yesterday evening, to pick up the car because it needed to be inspected in the state where he's from and to get the license plates renewed again. When he came, I had told him a month before that the motor mount needed fixing and the guy at the garage told me that the motor mount was cracked and I needed a new one. He had nothing to gain by telling me that, because they don't even fix those at his shop and there was no money involved, so why would he lie?
I've been grieving so hard for years over my son, because I miss him so bad. I'm never pushy with him. I didn't say a word when he lied to me and made the excuse that he couldn't stay and had to get back real quick. But in the back of my mind, I knew he wouldn't come spend one day with me... just the whole day or even go out to eat with me, and then go home. Not even that much. I miss him so bad. And I know he loves me. I know he does. But his wife has such a strong hold on him she won't even let him come visit me by himself. He is caught in the middle, but you know there's really no excuse, because he's a grown man. He could say to his wife, look I'm going to visit my mother, if he really wanted to. So he drove a very long distance to come pick up my car and left his car here. And he used an excuse, why he had to get back real quick, when he first came to pick up the keys to my car. He just got the keys and left. I didn't get my time with him.
So then, when he brought the car back with a new sticker and all, it was the same thing. I knew it was going to happen this way and it did. He came late at night again and soon as he knocked at the door, he woke me up and I got out of bed and answered the door, just like the first time he came, and he was acting really nervous...not like the first time... so I imagine his wife was pulling his chain a little tighter, as he acted really nervous and antsy. I opened the door and he says right away... oh hey Mom, I'm sorry I didn't call you to let you know I was coming, but my phone is broke. Okay. I don't believe it. Sure I could be wrong but I know the pattern and the excuses. This way, he could come and make his exit really quick, because see it's late at night and he had to get up early in the morning he said, so he had to get going cuz he had a 3-hour drive home. Okay. I said I understood, but it still hurt, cuz I could see what was happening. His work hours are such that he could come easily during the day.
He said, oh hey Mom, it wasn't the motor mount that was broke, it was the tires, so I put two tires on there. Reeally?? He must think I'm stupid. It was the motor mount. I guess that he was embarrassed cuz he couldn't pay for it maybe, and I could understand that, but I told him I would pay for it.
Or else his wife said we're not paying for that, and he felt caught in the middle, and he had to go along with her, as we all know how much motor mounts cost and I don't blame them for not fixing it and I didn't ask them to fix it. In fact, I told them I would save up and fix it, but he said no no, we'll take care of it, which was very sweet of them, but she said no, I'm sure. I don't blame her either, but I don't want to be lied to and say there was nothing wrong with a motor mount. He was so antsy he couldn't wait to get out of here and I've never given him any hard time or reason to not want to see me.
The first time he came to the door he couldn't give me enough hugs and we held each other for a long time and we were so happy to see each other. But this time it was different. The tension was definitely there and he couldn't stand still and he was definitely in a rush. So anyway, no visit with my son again. No telling how many years it'll be before I see him again.
Thanks for listening. He must think I'm stupid to believe those excuses. This is only the second time he's been to my apartment, 40 years at least, without exaggeration. That's all I got to say. It is what it is. No use getting upset about it. Just wanted to tell somebody, that's all. To feel heard. And me just now saying those things?, there's no upset. I'm too used to it. No racing heart. Just a knowing. I've always been by myself since my husband died in 2005. I know everybody has their own family problems, but you know, there's really no excuse to abandon a mother who's been so good to you. We've never had any fights or anything but when he got married, that was it.
I never get to see my youngest son, Robert. He lives 3 hours away. He never calls and never comes over. The last time he was here was like 3 years ago because they had to bring me something, I forget what. I practically begged him to please visit with me by himself this time, because I have grieved over that for 40 years that he never comes to see me, and I miss him so bad. I've never had my alone time with my son. He lied to me tonight. That side of the family is very strange.
I had car trouble but besides that I live in Illinois and he lives in Missouri and I needed the car he had let me borrow, to get the license plate sticker renewed. All these years, I have never had one single moment with him to myself, to go fishing or just visit with me, or go out to eat with me or anything. Never. His wife is very controlling. She's the boss. I can't even talk to my son on the phone without her listening in or making a comment while we're on the phone. And then I discover she's been listening in. She always does.
He had to come over yesterday evening, to pick up the car because it needed to be inspected in the state where he's from and to get the license plates renewed again. When he came, I had told him a month before that the motor mount needed fixing and the guy at the garage told me that the motor mount was cracked and I needed a new one. He had nothing to gain by telling me that, because they don't even fix those at his shop and there was no money involved, so why would he lie?
I've been grieving so hard for years over my son, because I miss him so bad. I'm never pushy with him. I didn't say a word when he lied to me and made the excuse that he couldn't stay and had to get back real quick. But in the back of my mind, I knew he wouldn't come spend one day with me... just the whole day or even go out to eat with me, and then go home. Not even that much. I miss him so bad. And I know he loves me. I know he does. But his wife has such a strong hold on him she won't even let him come visit me by himself. He is caught in the middle, but you know there's really no excuse, because he's a grown man. He could say to his wife, look I'm going to visit my mother, if he really wanted to. So he drove a very long distance to come pick up my car and left his car here. And he used an excuse, why he had to get back real quick, when he first came to pick up the keys to my car. He just got the keys and left. I didn't get my time with him.
So then, when he brought the car back with a new sticker and all, it was the same thing. I knew it was going to happen this way and it did. He came late at night again and soon as he knocked at the door, he woke me up and I got out of bed and answered the door, just like the first time he came, and he was acting really nervous...not like the first time... so I imagine his wife was pulling his chain a little tighter, as he acted really nervous and antsy. I opened the door and he says right away... oh hey Mom, I'm sorry I didn't call you to let you know I was coming, but my phone is broke. Okay. I don't believe it. Sure I could be wrong but I know the pattern and the excuses. This way, he could come and make his exit really quick, because see it's late at night and he had to get up early in the morning he said, so he had to get going cuz he had a 3-hour drive home. Okay. I said I understood, but it still hurt, cuz I could see what was happening. His work hours are such that he could come easily during the day.
He said, oh hey Mom, it wasn't the motor mount that was broke, it was the tires, so I put two tires on there. Reeally?? He must think I'm stupid. It was the motor mount. I guess that he was embarrassed cuz he couldn't pay for it maybe, and I could understand that, but I told him I would pay for it.
Or else his wife said we're not paying for that, and he felt caught in the middle, and he had to go along with her, as we all know how much motor mounts cost and I don't blame them for not fixing it and I didn't ask them to fix it. In fact, I told them I would save up and fix it, but he said no no, we'll take care of it, which was very sweet of them, but she said no, I'm sure. I don't blame her either, but I don't want to be lied to and say there was nothing wrong with a motor mount. He was so antsy he couldn't wait to get out of here and I've never given him any hard time or reason to not want to see me.
The first time he came to the door he couldn't give me enough hugs and we held each other for a long time and we were so happy to see each other. But this time it was different. The tension was definitely there and he couldn't stand still and he was definitely in a rush. So anyway, no visit with my son again. No telling how many years it'll be before I see him again.
Thanks for listening. He must think I'm stupid to believe those excuses. This is only the second time he's been to my apartment, 40 years at least, without exaggeration. That's all I got to say. It is what it is. No use getting upset about it. Just wanted to tell somebody, that's all. To feel heard. And me just now saying those things?, there's no upset. I'm too used to it. No racing heart. Just a knowing. I've always been by myself since my husband died in 2005. I know everybody has their own family problems, but you know, there's really no excuse to abandon a mother who's been so good to you. We've never had any fights or anything but when he got married, that was it.
