Facing my Mother wound - these need to come out. They just need to.
Today my mom ate a papaya and got poisoned - meanwhile I couldn't do anything as of her restrictions towards me to not enter her house.
She said she almost fainted and couldn't move and was feeling dizzy for hours after. I know how papaya seeds are very detoxifying and I loved eating papayas, alongside some seeds. But it is not a local fruit and she isn't used to it and has been the first time she's tried it, somebody gave it to her.
She begun saying of how all bad things begun happening lately.
She has been implying many times how I am the source of all evil and she has banned me from entering her house - where I grew up - so even if she gets sick I cannot do anything. She has twisted her ankle short after she created this restriction towards me, I couldn't help, then she was blaming my sisters for not helping her. My sisters are both having children and jobs, so there was a mission impossible being created there.
She has always been a fanatic christian and a main reason I despise christians and all other religious people - it appears to me a mere thing of separation, God is Union and Oneness and not this state of "my way of devotion do not align with yours". I am a person with a spiritual side who doesn't get in the way of other people's ways of connecting with the divine, however they perceive it.
Now earlier I have seen deep into her eyes and I saw literally another dimension - I think she is deeply influenced by the bad health of my father, even if they are divorced. And I think this incident of her getting poisoned is somehow in a metaphysical level related to my dad's health deteriorating lately.
She has been blaming me ever since I was a young child for evil spirits living within me. She has gone as far as talking to me in 3rd person, trying to exorcise me of the perceived demons. She aided in installing within me beliefs of being as bad as undeserving to live, and made me suicidal, thinking how I should terminate this illness within me. All these made me run towards all the wrong directions... This is not to blame her.
I recognized nowadays how these foreign installed beliefs are part of our whole world - many people carry these similar deep rooted and sometimes deep hidden thought scripts of not being good enough, from mild to severe, just as it has been in my case.
But things were growing towards the opposite side of the spectrum too. I was always their "best daughter", the "star of the family", obviously the overachiever, trying and trying to please and receive some love crumbs of the floor for a quick few days, until it would fade and I would become the evil one again.
]I am nowhere there now. Vipassana meditation course truly helped me to sit with these, to relax deeply and so to see clearly, for deep thoughts to arise. Now I am not going against christianity to go into another religion, as I have experienced myself first hand how fanatics exist in every religion, be it Buddhism, Islam, Taoism, etc. and in various cults as well.
But, as I see what I am writing,
But this is a weird case, that once you put your head straight, your heart aligned, I know from experience of how I can become the captain of my ship. I have held the wheel and steered that boat already few times, to feel degrading every time I get back to being a sailor. It is only because I have seen my self doing it and I know I can - but then there is something else that I do not see and perhaps that is, how my roots-family are also operating as anchors, holding this ship.
I am definitely overthinking it and that last paragraph is romanticizing things, but I will leave it there.
I felt the need to write all these, to place my mind and myself in a centered and right place, clear, to see where I am. To be clear and to not allow her, my mother, and through her this manifestation of that voice, beginning again to try to imply of how I am destroying her life, how I am the source of all bad that had ever happened to her, and she having the support of her christian spiritual community against me. It was a priest, who gave her the instruction to not allow me to enter her house as "I am carrying evil spirits."
I need to clear. I was hoping by writing this I would feel some clarity, but just like the text I shared about my father yesterday, took me few hours, some comments and reading it over and over to gain some insight.
I want to say here that my intention is not to blame my parents. They have done a lot for me and I recognise it. But these need to come out. They just need to.
It is very raw, I am exhilarated to be alive on this earth and for that I am infinitely grateful to her, and at the same time only I know what did I have to go through to actually claim my right to exist, simply because I was born.
These week has been quite the challenge. This chapter is quite a chapter.
She said she almost fainted and couldn't move and was feeling dizzy for hours after. I know how papaya seeds are very detoxifying and I loved eating papayas, alongside some seeds. But it is not a local fruit and she isn't used to it and has been the first time she's tried it, somebody gave it to her.
She begun saying of how all bad things begun happening lately.
She has been implying many times how I am the source of all evil and she has banned me from entering her house - where I grew up - so even if she gets sick I cannot do anything. She has twisted her ankle short after she created this restriction towards me, I couldn't help, then she was blaming my sisters for not helping her. My sisters are both having children and jobs, so there was a mission impossible being created there.
She has always been a fanatic christian and a main reason I despise christians and all other religious people - it appears to me a mere thing of separation, God is Union and Oneness and not this state of "my way of devotion do not align with yours". I am a person with a spiritual side who doesn't get in the way of other people's ways of connecting with the divine, however they perceive it.
Now earlier I have seen deep into her eyes and I saw literally another dimension - I think she is deeply influenced by the bad health of my father, even if they are divorced. And I think this incident of her getting poisoned is somehow in a metaphysical level related to my dad's health deteriorating lately.
She has been blaming me ever since I was a young child for evil spirits living within me. She has gone as far as talking to me in 3rd person, trying to exorcise me of the perceived demons. She aided in installing within me beliefs of being as bad as undeserving to live, and made me suicidal, thinking how I should terminate this illness within me. All these made me run towards all the wrong directions... This is not to blame her.
I recognized nowadays how these foreign installed beliefs are part of our whole world - many people carry these similar deep rooted and sometimes deep hidden thought scripts of not being good enough, from mild to severe, just as it has been in my case.
But things were growing towards the opposite side of the spectrum too. I was always their "best daughter", the "star of the family", obviously the overachiever, trying and trying to please and receive some love crumbs of the floor for a quick few days, until it would fade and I would become the evil one again.
]I am nowhere there now. Vipassana meditation course truly helped me to sit with these, to relax deeply and so to see clearly, for deep thoughts to arise. Now I am not going against christianity to go into another religion, as I have experienced myself first hand how fanatics exist in every religion, be it Buddhism, Islam, Taoism, etc. and in various cults as well.
But, as I see what I am writing,
I am nowhere there now
it appears that apparently I am exactly there. Telling the same story again. Creating
. I feel such a huge responsibility regarding my creative force. That is because I see the power of it. Few days ago I was writing of how I am learning how to drive my mind and choose silence instead of creating negative stories. I have nothing against expression, it is that I have stayed in the dark for way too long to be going back there. I know my direction. So it saddens me when I see how I haven't finished yet with things, you know when you think the work is done and you realize how it isn't.But this is a weird case, that once you put your head straight, your heart aligned, I know from experience of how I can become the captain of my ship. I have held the wheel and steered that boat already few times, to feel degrading every time I get back to being a sailor. It is only because I have seen my self doing it and I know I can - but then there is something else that I do not see and perhaps that is, how my roots-family are also operating as anchors, holding this ship.
I am definitely overthinking it and that last paragraph is romanticizing things, but I will leave it there.
I felt the need to write all these, to place my mind and myself in a centered and right place, clear, to see where I am. To be clear and to not allow her, my mother, and through her this manifestation of that voice, beginning again to try to imply of how I am destroying her life, how I am the source of all bad that had ever happened to her, and she having the support of her christian spiritual community against me. It was a priest, who gave her the instruction to not allow me to enter her house as "I am carrying evil spirits."
I need to clear. I was hoping by writing this I would feel some clarity, but just like the text I shared about my father yesterday, took me few hours, some comments and reading it over and over to gain some insight.
I want to say here that my intention is not to blame my parents. They have done a lot for me and I recognise it. But these need to come out. They just need to.
It is very raw, I am exhilarated to be alive on this earth and for that I am infinitely grateful to her, and at the same time only I know what did I have to go through to actually claim my right to exist, simply because I was born.
These week has been quite the challenge. This chapter is quite a chapter.
