Last year my mother passed away. I was very much the only person left in her life by then. My siblings chose to end their relationship with her
Because when I was a child she turned a blind eye to my father hurting me.
Some of them remember that . They collectively agreed she was taking advantage of me and dismissed her.
The thing is, she was a kid too when she elopped with my father.
They don't remember her youth.
They don't remember the rest of the story and they weren't there when we lost Sirin. They don't understand the entanglements in all those events and how trauma can make you justify the actions of your allies.
Yes, she betrayed me and the world continued to betray me the same way she did, ironically even on SW. Every single time I saw people choosing peds over me was retraumatization.
But she was brainwashed, she was molded..she had no other exposure to the world than my father. She believed his tales and turned against me thinking I am seductive and evil.
I wanted to save her.
I always wanted to save her.
Unfortunately I realized I needed to get my siblings out at whateer cost. And she at least, let me do that without testifying against me, even if she didn't testify against my father. She implicitly helped.
While she was k lling herself by neglecting treatment last year, I needed an outlet to talk about that choice and how similar it was to me to her past choices made against my interest.
Her choice to again let me down.
Unfortunately, SWers let me down too by misunderstanding some of my content and internalizing it.
Found myself having to defend against people who thought my words about chosen helplessness fit them when I have been dealt more than just a difficult life. Assuming I lived a comfortable life and never known strife...etc..etc..
Ahhh
So I retreated and kept my words to myself.
What use could it be to argue endlessly about it?
None.
I had to let go of my mother completely alone.
My siblings were not there in person or even in words.
I needed them. Rarely does Miram need people.
I understand that they could not be there for her but they could have been there for me. And it hurts that they didn't care.
Oh well.
Some of them remember that . They collectively agreed she was taking advantage of me and dismissed her.
The thing is, she was a kid too when she elopped with my father.
They don't remember her youth.
They don't remember the rest of the story and they weren't there when we lost Sirin. They don't understand the entanglements in all those events and how trauma can make you justify the actions of your allies.
Yes, she betrayed me and the world continued to betray me the same way she did, ironically even on SW. Every single time I saw people choosing peds over me was retraumatization.
But she was brainwashed, she was molded..she had no other exposure to the world than my father. She believed his tales and turned against me thinking I am seductive and evil.
I wanted to save her.
I always wanted to save her.
Unfortunately I realized I needed to get my siblings out at whateer cost. And she at least, let me do that without testifying against me, even if she didn't testify against my father. She implicitly helped.
While she was k lling herself by neglecting treatment last year, I needed an outlet to talk about that choice and how similar it was to me to her past choices made against my interest.
Her choice to again let me down.
Unfortunately, SWers let me down too by misunderstanding some of my content and internalizing it.
Found myself having to defend against people who thought my words about chosen helplessness fit them when I have been dealt more than just a difficult life. Assuming I lived a comfortable life and never known strife...etc..etc..
Ahhh
So I retreated and kept my words to myself.
What use could it be to argue endlessly about it?
None.
I had to let go of my mother completely alone.
My siblings were not there in person or even in words.
I needed them. Rarely does Miram need people.
I understand that they could not be there for her but they could have been there for me. And it hurts that they didn't care.
Oh well.
