Drunk posting.
Sorry I'm drinking again. I just feel like shit whether I do or not. I just wish I could get along with my family. I really want somewhere I belong. I grew up with 7 siblings and a long time ago I was too small to really grasp not belonging somewhere. I could get over stuff. Now I don't. And I feel guilty. My family always assumes some outside influence is taking a hold of me. Like someone got into my head and made me hate them. No. I just hate the barriers they put between us. And I decided that myself, by my own volition. I feel like I don't belong.
There are people who were once strangers to me who I'm now comfortable showing my emotions and vulnerabilities to and hugging and trusting. I feel like that about NO ONE in my family. They talk. Anything and everything I say gets spread around and amplified. I can't share anything with them. Eventually someone becomes a villain or a conspirator through no fault of their own.
And on the other hand I feel awful because I know that deep down they all care, they just also don't understand how they hurt others. They deserve love too. But bdcause of my limitations I'm unable to give it to them.
I feel so awful. I want to be happy again. Like when Inwas a kid. But all I can do is feel horrible and drink.
I wish someone had a solution. Like someone on here could say "oh that's easy, just to A B C and it will get better." I think a lot of people who don't know me have the idea that that's the reality. I wish. It's not. God what do I do.
There are people who were once strangers to me who I'm now comfortable showing my emotions and vulnerabilities to and hugging and trusting. I feel like that about NO ONE in my family. They talk. Anything and everything I say gets spread around and amplified. I can't share anything with them. Eventually someone becomes a villain or a conspirator through no fault of their own.
And on the other hand I feel awful because I know that deep down they all care, they just also don't understand how they hurt others. They deserve love too. But bdcause of my limitations I'm unable to give it to them.
I feel so awful. I want to be happy again. Like when Inwas a kid. But all I can do is feel horrible and drink.
I wish someone had a solution. Like someone on here could say "oh that's easy, just to A B C and it will get better." I think a lot of people who don't know me have the idea that that's the reality. I wish. It's not. God what do I do.
