I hate my family.
They 100% are the reason for my abandonment issues. I have nightmares about them once a week. I have to beg my half sister to tell me about my family medical history. It's actually pathetic.
I just want to scream to them,
I know, I know I'm the freak of the family. I know I'm the one you all can't stand. The one you think turned their back, even though you never even cared or asked why. Because you knew. You knew it was because of the abuse, the lies, the child molesting and the secrets you all kept to enable the toxic enmeshment that is this family. You really expected me to enjoy the holidays with you when you insulted me the whole time. You really expected me to keep showing up when you never showed up for me, or my son, or my mom. I can't wait to leave this stupid place I know as home and the stupid road named after a dream you sold out and abandoned for your own selfish wants. Fuck you all. I loved you more than you'll ever be capable of understanding and I feel safer alone dangling over the abyss than I do asking you to care for one second. You are why I am alone and when I leave, I look forward to never having you around to blame again.
I am so done with feeling like a problem. I have no idea why I am the way I am considering I was spawned from those people. My mom struggled with them too, but she was lost with or without them.
I cling to the hope it will feel like it used to. Which is why I have to leave my home, my family behind. It's over.
I just want to scream to them,
I know, I know I'm the freak of the family. I know I'm the one you all can't stand. The one you think turned their back, even though you never even cared or asked why. Because you knew. You knew it was because of the abuse, the lies, the child molesting and the secrets you all kept to enable the toxic enmeshment that is this family. You really expected me to enjoy the holidays with you when you insulted me the whole time. You really expected me to keep showing up when you never showed up for me, or my son, or my mom. I can't wait to leave this stupid place I know as home and the stupid road named after a dream you sold out and abandoned for your own selfish wants. Fuck you all. I loved you more than you'll ever be capable of understanding and I feel safer alone dangling over the abyss than I do asking you to care for one second. You are why I am alone and when I leave, I look forward to never having you around to blame again.
I am so done with feeling like a problem. I have no idea why I am the way I am considering I was spawned from those people. My mom struggled with them too, but she was lost with or without them.
I cling to the hope it will feel like it used to. Which is why I have to leave my home, my family behind. It's over.
41-45, F
