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Mamapolo2016 · F
A few months after my late husband’s diagnosis of terminal brain cancer, a half-dozen trips to the ER, dealing with caregivers (most of whom were excellent, but there are always a few), I came out of the bathroom one day and fell off the world.
They called it stress-related vestibular vertigo, and for me it caused violent nausea and incredible disorientation. There was no up or down, no left or right. I had to carefully grasp the handrail on the stairs and sit down to ease my way down, one step at a time until I could reach the phone to dial 911.
When the ambulance arrived, they knew me and I knew them. As they hooked up fluids with anti-nausea meds, I apologized, speech garbled, for being a bother. One of the EMTs said, “When we pick up the patient four or five times, next time it’s the caregiver.”
That is solemn knowledge, because what will become of the patient if the caregiver can no longer function?
The same is true about everybody else vs. me. If l work and fret to fulfill everybody’s needs, it won’t be long until I can’t function. Then what becomes of those who ‘need’ me?
You don’t have to run away, but you do have to make sure you don’t erase yourself. If an hour of exercise or two hours of watching a movie or music in your headphones will cause the whole family structure to collapse, you need help, understanding and patience and you need to scream “Help!”
Folks are fond of telling you to take care of yourself, but not so keen on helping you do it. Try negotiations: “I can make sure you get an Uber to and from your doctor’s appointment but I can’t take time off to go with you, or I’ll lose my job.” When you say, “sure, but I’ll need your help to accomplish X next week,” watch them back pedal. Suddenly they remember a cousin or neighbor who will take them to the doctor.
If you are the go-to person in your family, help involve others in the art of contributing. Don’t buy into stupid prioritizing. Don’t strain to get your sister a manicure or babysit somebody’s dog so they can go to Vegas for the weekend.
Keep your own head above water or everyone else will drown too. Or learn to swim.
They called it stress-related vestibular vertigo, and for me it caused violent nausea and incredible disorientation. There was no up or down, no left or right. I had to carefully grasp the handrail on the stairs and sit down to ease my way down, one step at a time until I could reach the phone to dial 911.
When the ambulance arrived, they knew me and I knew them. As they hooked up fluids with anti-nausea meds, I apologized, speech garbled, for being a bother. One of the EMTs said, “When we pick up the patient four or five times, next time it’s the caregiver.”
That is solemn knowledge, because what will become of the patient if the caregiver can no longer function?
The same is true about everybody else vs. me. If l work and fret to fulfill everybody’s needs, it won’t be long until I can’t function. Then what becomes of those who ‘need’ me?
You don’t have to run away, but you do have to make sure you don’t erase yourself. If an hour of exercise or two hours of watching a movie or music in your headphones will cause the whole family structure to collapse, you need help, understanding and patience and you need to scream “Help!”
Folks are fond of telling you to take care of yourself, but not so keen on helping you do it. Try negotiations: “I can make sure you get an Uber to and from your doctor’s appointment but I can’t take time off to go with you, or I’ll lose my job.” When you say, “sure, but I’ll need your help to accomplish X next week,” watch them back pedal. Suddenly they remember a cousin or neighbor who will take them to the doctor.
If you are the go-to person in your family, help involve others in the art of contributing. Don’t buy into stupid prioritizing. Don’t strain to get your sister a manicure or babysit somebody’s dog so they can go to Vegas for the weekend.
Keep your own head above water or everyone else will drown too. Or learn to swim.
