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Please respon with nice words only. 😞

So, I’m just curious and wondering..

To the point, my father used to be a player. My mother was the third woman, and only with her did my father have a daughter—that’s me. If counted, I’m the third child out of six siblings, and all my siblings are boys, each from different mothers. One son from the fourth woman ended up living with my father and my mother, because they decided to stay together and take him in. Then, I also have two younger biological brothers.

But what confuses me through all this is… ever since I was little, my father often disciplined me harshly. He would hit me or pour cold water on me. I remember every time he hit me and so on, but at the same time, he also loved me. He said I was the one he loved the most. And I don’t understand all of this...

He hit me, but he loved me...

And I also feel confused, because out of all those boys, I was the only one he hit. He always seemed to get emotional or angry whenever I made a mistake. I never saw him hitting or scolding my brothers the way he did with me—he hit me and screamed at me.

I’m confused about all of this...

He hit me, but he loved me?

I don’t understand... My feelings are all mixed up.

I once thought, maybe it’s because I was the first child, and they say the first is like a “test,” since it’s their first time being parents too. Or maybe it’s because I’m a girl? Or maybe because I’m weaker somehow... I don’t understand... But he loved me.
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Unquestioned · 70-79, M
From what I have just read, I think he wanted to control you. It doesn't seem like he is a man with any love in him. I might be wrong, and he does love you, just had a weird way of showing it.

I'm curious, what is your relationship with him like now you are an adult?
Bluebell1 · 22-25, F
@Unquestioned I guess the control one, it's not really true, but I agree.


Our relationship I think is awkward. He still kisses me and hugs me, almost every day if I'm home, or when I go back from university, but yet I still can't look at his eyes. I feel awkward, and I never ask for a hug or kiss first for comfort. I don't feel comfortable.
Unquestioned · 70-79, M
@Bluebell1 Personally I would distance myself from him. Where does your mother stand with all this?
Bluebell1 · 22-25, F
@Unquestioned my dad, she told me that my dad doing that because he love me