Lot of my Turkish side of family are incredibly classist and annoyingly controlling.
I so very much hate the double insinuations in speech, and the pressure they try to create in my life. Don't give in to it but it is still there. Always unhappy with my choices about who I associate with. My Kabylian side too for racial reasons does the same.
This is so common that I have to be very aggressive to establish and protect boundaries. It is impossible to love them with my kind self alone. I need to be cruel and scare them to protect others from their attempts. And protect my priorities too.
No wonder I am so detached. I don't have healthy references unless it is me who is creating them.
For the sake of integrity, I admit I form these communities with my bloodlines because my goals are grand and can't be achieved through aloneness. I do need them no matter how many times I criticize them and clash with them. No one can "improve" the world without the world part.
And maybe it is unfair that I treat them, sometimes, like chess pieces. I do be doing that until I notice it and pull back a little to keep it in check. Hard not to do it when you were raised by a psychopath in a warzone. Old habits die hard. I forget they are people with their own fears and dreams.
I understand they love me. They aren't bad but they have bad traits that clash with some of mine.
To be fair, at least I can count on them when I assign them any type of tasks or expectations. More than I can say about the majority of humans. They are honest believers and I love that a lot in a world where profits take precedence. They believe and they take actions. And if they must, they will make sacrifices. They are loyal to a fault. If I were to get harmed tomorrow, I know it would lead to chaos. I can count on them to help me even if I am uncomfortable with that too.
Not all of them of course.
It is Monday, I will take a shower and get to work.
This is so common that I have to be very aggressive to establish and protect boundaries. It is impossible to love them with my kind self alone. I need to be cruel and scare them to protect others from their attempts. And protect my priorities too.
No wonder I am so detached. I don't have healthy references unless it is me who is creating them.
For the sake of integrity, I admit I form these communities with my bloodlines because my goals are grand and can't be achieved through aloneness. I do need them no matter how many times I criticize them and clash with them. No one can "improve" the world without the world part.
And maybe it is unfair that I treat them, sometimes, like chess pieces. I do be doing that until I notice it and pull back a little to keep it in check. Hard not to do it when you were raised by a psychopath in a warzone. Old habits die hard. I forget they are people with their own fears and dreams.
I understand they love me. They aren't bad but they have bad traits that clash with some of mine.
To be fair, at least I can count on them when I assign them any type of tasks or expectations. More than I can say about the majority of humans. They are honest believers and I love that a lot in a world where profits take precedence. They believe and they take actions. And if they must, they will make sacrifices. They are loyal to a fault. If I were to get harmed tomorrow, I know it would lead to chaos. I can count on them to help me even if I am uncomfortable with that too.
Not all of them of course.
It is Monday, I will take a shower and get to work.
