Succinctly put i need a huge library to blot out the nauseating personality i live with
Imagine a person so full of self pity that is expressed in a suspect way, as if it was just pretend self pity, that it's all in order to gain sympathy. Now imagine that after decades of such a person, they begin to even lose the cohesiveness they once had, and that they're so mixed up that in the same breath they contradict themselves. These are all things i share with my dad, but i strive for self clarity, where he is letting it all slip away, that veracity is seen as boring, that he just wants comfort, because his stupidity is making actuality unbearable, so the work required to sustain a quasi optimal existence can only be seen negatively.
What a depressing mental vista shows up when i contemplate a pathetic pity needing person who has only afterlife to look forward to, to put myself in his shoes sees that self improvement is pointless, because you're facing your mortality every bleeding second, and all you really want is relief from the deadening banality of misfortune, the epic sensation of small things going wrong, and the smallness of lofty matters, a reversal of valuation is what this is.
What that is, is inside me, and as long as i fight it, or am unwilling to let that carry the day for me, i have a sliver of self respect remaining. The number 1 antidote for the inescapable buffoonery that tirelessly makes mincemeat out of whatever makes sense, is the totality of what i've gathered to read, from that i draw most of my sense of the desire to live.
And to see that what all these books represent is to learn, and to see the abysmal fact that learning will always and only be not the way it should be, takes a little adjusting to.
No thinker ever had it like this i don't think, there was always a dialogue they had which aided their growth, this could be what prayer is good for, your perceptually at least talking to an almighty being, but i won't go there, just using it as an example of how for others all the time there is an aiding factor in their sundry paths.
All complaining sussed out here is a gift i've inherited from dad, it's the gift that keeps on giving, and one decrepit second in his presence dwarfs all the time i've ever read and pondered worthwhile things. And i will keep on feasting on them, and strive continually to find new ways of going about it, which could be arrived at almost instantly if the healthy format was at all possible.
What a depressing mental vista shows up when i contemplate a pathetic pity needing person who has only afterlife to look forward to, to put myself in his shoes sees that self improvement is pointless, because you're facing your mortality every bleeding second, and all you really want is relief from the deadening banality of misfortune, the epic sensation of small things going wrong, and the smallness of lofty matters, a reversal of valuation is what this is.
What that is, is inside me, and as long as i fight it, or am unwilling to let that carry the day for me, i have a sliver of self respect remaining. The number 1 antidote for the inescapable buffoonery that tirelessly makes mincemeat out of whatever makes sense, is the totality of what i've gathered to read, from that i draw most of my sense of the desire to live.
And to see that what all these books represent is to learn, and to see the abysmal fact that learning will always and only be not the way it should be, takes a little adjusting to.
No thinker ever had it like this i don't think, there was always a dialogue they had which aided their growth, this could be what prayer is good for, your perceptually at least talking to an almighty being, but i won't go there, just using it as an example of how for others all the time there is an aiding factor in their sundry paths.
All complaining sussed out here is a gift i've inherited from dad, it's the gift that keeps on giving, and one decrepit second in his presence dwarfs all the time i've ever read and pondered worthwhile things. And i will keep on feasting on them, and strive continually to find new ways of going about it, which could be arrived at almost instantly if the healthy format was at all possible.
46-50, M