Sorry for a long post. I had a bad childhood. Probably I am overreacting on it but it was in a way.
Me and my brother would go to the same school and my dad would beat the shit out of me infront of my younger brother. But somehow, my family does not acknowledge this fact that my dad was bad to me. I think that sent me straight into lot of mental agony and trauma, why me? Maybe I was bad in studies, maybe I was wicked or something
Then, when I turned 16, I told my dad that I wanted to join army. I wanted to join army since beginning because maybe I was so used to getting hit that I wanted to hit people, I don't know. Maybe. But army personnel let you go through a series of psychologists and they got it that I was not very fit at the moment to join army. But they still didn't bar me and allowed me to apply further for Army job.
As I turned 18 and finished my high school, I still could join army till 25 but my dad wanted me to be an engineer to which I refused. And out of nowhere my dad got me job application form for Merchant Ships. Selection was very easy because there were no psychologists to test what was running inside my brain.
I got selected and because I wanted to be free from my dad, I had no other option that time because, for getting into army, I would have to be at my home for one further year. And my dad was encouraging me to join ship. Because it was his choice for me. And probably you know control freak people.
At this point before I could join ship, my uncle suggested my dad to have my opinion about what "I" really wanted to do in my life, to which my dad silenced him and told him not to talk anything about it to me and let me join Merchant ship.
To me, atleast, it was an escape from my dad but the sound of engine, bilge and pump cleaning, my boiler suit all messed up in oil and coal elevated my trauma even more. For a guy 19 year old, not doing the type of job I wanted, then getting messed up from head to toe in bad clothes, it was again stress induced to another level. The only good time on ship is meal time. Also, my job is critical which means heavy machinery job, one thing here and there, and life could end up, not mine but others below me.
At this point, I feel empty being on ship. A portion of money, I gave to my gf. And another to my parents. Yes, they demanded money from me when I was in my 20s because they said I won't be able to take care of my own money. My gf was a psychiatrist and she knew exactly what she was doing when I told her my story. A few years ago, I left her or she left me. Too much money already involved.
So question is whom should I consider responsible for my worst life experience? My dad or my gf or myself? I know there are a few guys in here who are happy with their ship job but for me, I never wanted it to be this way. I am on edge to quit my job with literally no savings, not even my own home. but I don't know it would be a right decision or a wrong one.
Then, when I turned 16, I told my dad that I wanted to join army. I wanted to join army since beginning because maybe I was so used to getting hit that I wanted to hit people, I don't know. Maybe. But army personnel let you go through a series of psychologists and they got it that I was not very fit at the moment to join army. But they still didn't bar me and allowed me to apply further for Army job.
As I turned 18 and finished my high school, I still could join army till 25 but my dad wanted me to be an engineer to which I refused. And out of nowhere my dad got me job application form for Merchant Ships. Selection was very easy because there were no psychologists to test what was running inside my brain.
I got selected and because I wanted to be free from my dad, I had no other option that time because, for getting into army, I would have to be at my home for one further year. And my dad was encouraging me to join ship. Because it was his choice for me. And probably you know control freak people.
At this point before I could join ship, my uncle suggested my dad to have my opinion about what "I" really wanted to do in my life, to which my dad silenced him and told him not to talk anything about it to me and let me join Merchant ship.
To me, atleast, it was an escape from my dad but the sound of engine, bilge and pump cleaning, my boiler suit all messed up in oil and coal elevated my trauma even more. For a guy 19 year old, not doing the type of job I wanted, then getting messed up from head to toe in bad clothes, it was again stress induced to another level. The only good time on ship is meal time. Also, my job is critical which means heavy machinery job, one thing here and there, and life could end up, not mine but others below me.
At this point, I feel empty being on ship. A portion of money, I gave to my gf. And another to my parents. Yes, they demanded money from me when I was in my 20s because they said I won't be able to take care of my own money. My gf was a psychiatrist and she knew exactly what she was doing when I told her my story. A few years ago, I left her or she left me. Too much money already involved.
So question is whom should I consider responsible for my worst life experience? My dad or my gf or myself? I know there are a few guys in here who are happy with their ship job but for me, I never wanted it to be this way. I am on edge to quit my job with literally no savings, not even my own home. but I don't know it would be a right decision or a wrong one.
