I lost someone yesterday
I don't think my mourning is selfish. I'm mourning the end of a life. I'm not mourning the end of a life with her because that ended more than six years ago. I'm mourning the end of her life. I'm sad because she won't get to walk the earth anymore, she won't get to breathe the cool air, look at anything beautiful or enjoy any of the things people enjoy in life
I'm also grieving the fact that we couldn't have a good relationship. God knows how many times I've wanted to see and talk to her but I was scared of how that might go and was warned not to do. When I was little and we lived in the same house, I once fell off a table and she took me out and bought me icecream. She was also the first person to buy me a razor and hygiene stuff and I appreciated that because it was taboo for my parents
But she had many problems with my parents and with us. Sometimes she'd be kind and give advice, otherwise she'd lash at them and make a scene in the middle of the street because she believed it was their job and mine now to constantly give money. I'm sad we didn't have relationship. I'd sad I couldn't hug her. I'm sad she couldn't be my friend. I'm sad she couldn't be like a second mother. I'm sad they didn't at least let us know she was dying so we could say goodbye. I'm sad my good days with her with limited. I'm sad she hurt my family and her own siblings many times and I hope those bad deeds don't follow her into the next life. I hope she will truly rest in peace and meet my grandparents and be content
But there are others who are still alive, who didn't let anyone know she was dying, and who are very toxic people but still family. Do I want to be on good terms with them ? A million times yes but it's difficult to willingly go see someone who breaks your spirit and spits poison in your face every time you see them. It's just painful that I have childhood memories with them but now can't be close to them. They pushed us away. They kept closing the door in our face, just because like to have an enemey and we're not on the same level financially. If you don't have money, you're disliked but still expected to give money and beg for approval
It hurts. The whole situation is difficult. I'm sad I won't see her again. I'm sad she will no longer get to do her daily walks and shopping but I hope she's in a better place now
I don't want to go and say goodbye to her body. Would've loved to say goodbye to her soul. I don't want to remember her as a lifeless body
I'm also grieving the fact that we couldn't have a good relationship. God knows how many times I've wanted to see and talk to her but I was scared of how that might go and was warned not to do. When I was little and we lived in the same house, I once fell off a table and she took me out and bought me icecream. She was also the first person to buy me a razor and hygiene stuff and I appreciated that because it was taboo for my parents
But she had many problems with my parents and with us. Sometimes she'd be kind and give advice, otherwise she'd lash at them and make a scene in the middle of the street because she believed it was their job and mine now to constantly give money. I'm sad we didn't have relationship. I'd sad I couldn't hug her. I'm sad she couldn't be my friend. I'm sad she couldn't be like a second mother. I'm sad they didn't at least let us know she was dying so we could say goodbye. I'm sad my good days with her with limited. I'm sad she hurt my family and her own siblings many times and I hope those bad deeds don't follow her into the next life. I hope she will truly rest in peace and meet my grandparents and be content
But there are others who are still alive, who didn't let anyone know she was dying, and who are very toxic people but still family. Do I want to be on good terms with them ? A million times yes but it's difficult to willingly go see someone who breaks your spirit and spits poison in your face every time you see them. It's just painful that I have childhood memories with them but now can't be close to them. They pushed us away. They kept closing the door in our face, just because like to have an enemey and we're not on the same level financially. If you don't have money, you're disliked but still expected to give money and beg for approval
It hurts. The whole situation is difficult. I'm sad I won't see her again. I'm sad she will no longer get to do her daily walks and shopping but I hope she's in a better place now
I don't want to go and say goodbye to her body. Would've loved to say goodbye to her soul. I don't want to remember her as a lifeless body
