How do I stop feeling this way?

Like 5 years ago my parents divorced. I had an amazing relationship with my dad but since they got a divorce and me growing up, it hasn’t been the same. He acts like a teenager, if I do something with my mom he gets upset cause I hadn’t done it with him, if mom got me clothes, he gets upset because he wasn’t the one to get me them. He blames everything on others besides him, he hasn’t visited his parents in years even tho they live in the same city just because my grandpa got to take my brother to practice and dad didn’t ( we were in moms week when grandpa took him ) my grandpa means the life to me and and he hasn’t seen his son for years. He got in an argument with my uncle ( his brother ) because he gave me a ride to my grandparents and my dad didn’t and since then my uncle doesn’t want me to go with them just so dad doesn’t argue with him again. He once called my friends dad and argued because he gave me a ride home or he was on his way once to my moms friend to fight him because I went to their house with mom so I could play with the kids there. Since then I got so mad that I deleted his number and cut contact with him and that was before Easter 2023. And he has done this kind of things before and I don’t think he realizes how much I suffer because of him and his actions. He keeps talking about fixing our relationship and how I was his little girl but I don’t want to love him more then I do now, I don’t want to be his little girl anymore because I know he’s gonna hurt me and if I’ll get closer to him I’ll just hurt more. He is crazy about mom and still wants to get back together and talks about them getting married again but I know that it will never happen. He will always be my dad and I will never let another man take his place but I just wanted a normal dad that would care about my feelings and know when to stop and when it’s too much. I know he loves me and each time I see him I want to hug him tight and cry in his arms but at the same time I want to ignore him and act like I don’t miss him. I know our relationship will never fix because we are the same people and will never get along now that I’m all grown up. He gets so mad so easily and always says that I start every argument and I defend myself by saying that I don’t. To this day he still asks me if I want to go on a walk with him and talk but each time I deny because I know how it’s gonna end up. It’s gonna end up with me crying and him making everything about himself and blaming others for his and moms divorce. I want to stop hurting because of him but I can’t.