Family issues I don’t want to handle.

I’ve been avoiding them, hiding in my room most of the time. It started under the guise of solitude and work, but now I feel bad and guilty because its been a week. How do I stop avoiding them? More importantly, I don’t know why I’m still avoiding them. They aren’t really bad people, and I can’t avoid them forever. It’s just I’m tired of their constant quibbles and talks about their own pasts and problems. I’m a good listener so I don’t speak out much, and just tend to listen. That’s why it gets tiring and I avoid them coz I can’t listen to the same old things all over again. They care for me when I’ve not eaten etc, but that only makes me feel bad. Maybe there are some other emotional things going on in me, but I can’t seem to figure out the real reasons, if there are any, of why I am behaving like this. I shouldn’t feel guilty for taking time out for myself and avoiding them, but why do I feel that way? Don’t know. Don’t know. Don’t know.

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morrgin · F

When you say they keep telling you the same old things all over again it sounds like they are in the role of victim or martyr. Victim being the attention they want for all the negative things they believe has been done to them. Martyr being the recognition they believe they deserve for putting up with so much for so long. These kind of people have a "yes...but" attitude. You can also bump into them years later and they will still be having the same kind of problems.
It also sounds like you have a dependency on them that possibly makes you feel obligated to be something like a rescuer or used as a dump spot for all their emotional baggage.
You need to start being selfish and take care of yourself like you are doing now. You also need to find ways to become independent so you can grow as a person, have confidence, and be happy. They won't like it. They will guilt trip you. They will try to manipulate you to prevent you from changing using fear, obligation, and guilt.
A good website to learn more with workbook like subjects for personal growth is coping.us. Good luck and hope things get better for you.

ethereal · F

@morrgin Thank you for this. Yes, one of my family member is exactly like that. I’m trying to find ways to care for myself first, which is why I was doubting and feeling bad if it was okay to do this. I’m glad to hear that it is okay to take time for myself as much as I need.
I don’t have a dependency on them, but they have a dependency on living here with us till next year (and that’s also not sure). So I have to bear it, and I’m trying to bear it for last few months, but it gets difficult to continuously hear them complain about their life all the time. I have some things to deal with too, so I was avoiding them, not going out of my room. They will keep complaining later on as well, but I choose to not listen to them for the time being. And even later, I can just get up and leave the room if their complaints start. I don’t need to listen just because they are a family member. I can help them if they’d need my help, but all they do is complain and not work on themselves. I won’t feel guilty for this now.

morrgin · F

@ethereal so glad to hear thst. Guilt can paralyze a person

REMsleep · 41-45, F

From your post its not clear to me what is truly happening.
If you live with someone, trust me you will hear a familiar story a time or two. My husband has complained to me of the same things over and over lol

But this can go too far and perhaps your family is in the habit of negatively wallowing in their problems and you are just sick of it. Only you would know if your family is actually full of whiny woe is me complainers or if you are just unreasonably annoyed at this moment.

Being annoyed is ok too. We are human and it happens from time to time. Stress, worry, hormones, lack of sleep, depression and many other life situations can make us FEEL unreasonably annoyed by those around us. Sometimes these feelings and situations pass once the stress is over and you can return to have more patience with your loved ones.

Relax. Ask yourself is it you or is it them? Figure it out and either correct your attitude or just go on doing whatever you need to do to avoid enabling excessive complaining.
You love them, they know it and thats what truly matters.
Not every day nor every week can be perfect.

ethereal · F

@REMsleep thank you for taking your time to comment. i’m still reflecting on this, but i think its partially both, me as well as their negative complaining about life. Their attitude has been like this for last 3 years, and i always take some time away when their behaviour feels excessive to me. But it has affected me more this time since i’m dealing with some things of my own from my past, along with work stress. I’ll think on this more, thank you!

REMsleep · 41-45, F

@ethereal Glad to offer my point of view. All the best!

froggtongue · M

You're right. You shouldn't feel guilty for needing the time for yourself. Just come out naturally and at your own pace. I doubt any would mention you staying by yourself. And even if they do, just tell them you needed a bit of quiet time and to recenter yourself.

ethereal · F

@froggtongue yes, i’m going to do that. and i won’t feel guilty for taking time for myself. thanks!

RedBaron · M

Maybe it's time to get your own place and move out.

ABCDEF7 · M

When you have chosen to live with the family, you have to share responsibilities. Yes, one or more people can be irresponsible, but do you want to be that one?

No.. That's why you feel the guilt.

Nebula · 41-45, F

If you are empathetic, people tend to dump their emotional stuff onto you and it takes a real toll on your own mental well-being.

Jenny1234 · 51-55, F

If they aren’t your kids or so then no need to get involved imo

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