Family
Asking
No Notifications
Only logged in members can reply and interact with the post.
Join SimilarWorlds for FREE »

I feel kind of guilty…

When my dad died 2 years ago, I didn’t inform some of my moms cousins (mom also passed away a while ago). It was during covid (but not bc of covid) and they couldn’t have come anyway bc there was a travel ban, and my dad was elderly and wanted a private small gathering anyway. there are some relatives I know he wouldn’t care if they didn’t know but these cousins I think were different.

anyway the main reason I didn’t call them was bc we, the surviving children, were in complete disarray in the wake of his death (actually just before his death) and we were all pretty stressed out including the members we are at odds with. I didn’t feel like fielding questions about the family (they are Europeans and they are crazy that way) on top of planning a funeral and grieving. They are also related to many other family members I’d have to call too - if you call one you might as well call them all and then you’re fielding questions all day long.

Maybe I should have called them after, or had a good friend of mine call. Or maybe I should have sent a letter with his funeral card in it. Looking back there’s lots I could have done but didn’t think of it at the time. I just know I didn’t want to talk to too many people and in a way I was glad for covid.

We did publish an obituary in the newspaper and of course online but these cousins wouldn’t have seen it in time. Maybe not for a long time. I am pretty sure they know now cause there was a candle at my dads grave close to his anniversary of death and that’s something they’d do.

I haven’t talked to them either (we usually call from time to time although they haven’t and I feel like they may be mad) and feel embarrassed to reach out and admit yes I should have called bc then I’d have to explain why I didn’t! It’s a big catch 22!

What should I do?
NiftyWhite
46-50, F
19 replies 98 views Sep 10, 2022
Share Link
Edited: 2 yrs ago
Top | Newest First | Oldest First
LadyGrace · 70-79
Let the past stay in the past, and take care of its own self. That's why it is called the past. It's over and there's nothing we can do about it and we're not supposed to go back into the past, nor allow it to entertain our thoughts and interfere with where you're at today. Don't take on guilt that doesn't belong to you. You only made a decision less preferable. Your judgment was mistaken, that's all. Accept that there was nothing you could do. Don't allow yesterday to steal Joy from today. You're not going that way. When it's over, it's over, we are not meant to go back and delve into the dead past. Nothing will change our past and these challenges are not meant to hurt us. They are meant only to teach us. We can't change things, so it serves no good purpose to think on them. When we know better, we do better and we are not to beat ourselves up over it. There's only one thing we can do, and that is to forgive ourselves, move on, and keep our focus upon Jesus, allowing Him to lead. We can't think of two things at once...

+ 0 · Reply · Translate · Sep 10, 2022 · Edited: 2 yrs ago
markansas
as you should .. feel guilty.. when my birth mother died i found out by the funeral home wanting me to pay for a head stone and that was a month after.. shame .. mark
and when by brother dies i will piss on his grave and salt the earth so nothing grows over him.. and that is how i feel about this.
+ 2 · Reply · Translate · Sep 10, 2022
TheSentinel · M
@NiftyWhite mom's cousins? That's kind of distant. Heck, I've never even met any of my mom's cousins. I haven't even talked to any of my own cousins in over 40 years. So in a similar situation, I don't think I would have any feelings of guilt.
But if it does bother you, it couldn't hurt to reach out to them.
+ 1 · Reply · Translate · Sep 10, 2022
REMsleep · 41-45, F
@NiftyWhite Wow you should never say or indicate to them that

I don’t regret the decision I made
Thats cold hearted and indicated a total lack of remorse. I earlier advised you to call them but if this is your current mindset it might end badly.
It doesn't matter if their feelings didn't trump yours. Thats a selfish statement.
+ 0 · Reply · Translate · Sep 10, 2022 · Edited: 2 yrs ago
NiftyWhite · 46-50, F
@REMsleep well I don’t regret the choice. That’s a fact. And I do think that I had accrued enough stress by that time to admit that I could mot accept any more. I regret that they may have been hurt by that but it was the right choice at the time and I’d do it again if I had to. I’d prob follow up sooner rather than later though. But at the time I was in a very difficult position very few people could relate to. Practically everyone in the immediate family was secretly at odds with one another and the outbreak of possible violence or retaliation (not by me) was not out of the question. I wasn’t in a frame of mind to call distant relatives in other countries for any reason tbh.

I do have enough tact to speak to people and not offend them even if my decisions hurt them.
+ 0 · Reply · Translate · Sep 10, 2022 · Edited: 2 yrs ago
spjennifer · 61-69, T
The time after the death of a loved one is often traumatic and confusing for most of us. Your relatives should understand that and accept it. We each grieve in our own manner as I'm sure you know by now, there is no such thing as the perfect action to be taken. With the pandemic, it's not like they could have traveled here anyway. Just let things lie for now, either they will eventually forgive you or they won't, time heals many wounds... 😊
+ 2 · Reply · Translate · Sep 10, 2022
Montanaman · M
I feel you. 😟😔💔😢🤗🤗😇😇🙏🙏
Sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in April.
Unforseen circumstances, I missed his funeral 😔 I still haven't dealt with my grief.
+ 2 · Reply · Translate · Sep 10, 2022
Muthafukajones · 46-50, M
I think publishing an obituary is a legal requirement to prevent you from having claims brought against the estate.. real or imagined claims. As for your cousins… it’s understandable that you might have been so overwhelmed by the passing that you neglected to inform the entire family. I’d frame it that way. I’d also look into posting an obituary to ward off real or bogus claims against the estate.
+ 0 · Reply · Translate · Sep 10, 2022
NiftyWhite · 46-50, F
@Muthafukajones we did publish an obit and we have lawyers all over the estate helping us tie up loose ends
+ 1 · Reply · Translate · Sep 10, 2022
Jenny1234 · 51-55, F
Send them an email
+ 1 · Reply · Translate · Sep 10, 2022
NiftyWhite · 46-50, F
@Jenny1234 they are elderly and idk if they even have email but I could send a letter or card …
+ 0 · Reply · Translate · Sep 10, 2022
Jenny1234 · 51-55, F
@NiftyWhite a letter or card is a nice idea if you don’t feel comfortable calling them
+ 1 · Reply · Translate · Sep 10, 2022
MyNameIsHurl · 41-45, F
Sorry for your losses
+ 1 · Reply · Translate · Sep 10, 2022
REMsleep · 41-45, F
As with all hard things face the music.
You made a mistake the only want to fix this is to make amends. You are no longer in the mist of COVID and immediate grief so face them now.

Write them a letter or call them. Send them a small obituary brochure from the funeral and a candle to place at the gravesite next time. Tell them how you felt.
Not going to lie. If a family member died and I wasn't told I would think badly of the ones who didn't tell me.
+ 0 · Reply · Translate · Sep 10, 2022 · Edited: 2 yrs ago
NiftyWhite · 46-50, F
@REMsleep I don’t feel I made a mistake. I made a choice that was necessary at the time even though it’s not a popular choice, it was needed. I’d make it again if I had to. But I think I’d follow up sooner rather than later.

And to be fair, it’s still not back to being a bowl of cherries with the family matters but it’s getting better….ish, and maybe I’d be in a better position to redirect any uncomfortable questions, now compared to then.

But I do feel bad that if perhaps they are hurt by it (it’s possible they are not but idk). There are some specific family members my dad actually didn’t even want me to tell bc he didn’t want them to observe his demise. (He didn’t even want me to tell them my mother died when she did and that was awkward af.) But the others … well he’d prob forgive me for it, … but he liked them and I think he would want them to know.
+ 0 · Reply · Translate · Sep 10, 2022 · Edited: 2 yrs ago
 
Post Comment