On Mother's Day I wrote about my complicated relationship with my mom.. so watch out dad, I'm coming for you too 😂

Joking aside, my dad & I didn't have a great relationship. Still kinda don't.
Some of you already know about some of the things I went through as a kid. I believe the way I was raised is what led me into a lot of the bad shit I've done in my life.

I never felt protected & since I was the oldest out of all my siblings, I became the protector. I fought for all of them, I fought for anyone who didn't/couldn't fight for themselves. I carried so much anger my whole life because I was mad at my dad for not being the one to protect us.. in fact I was mad at him for being the one who hurt us.

I won't go into detail about all of that now.. I've done that on posts before. I don't feel like repeating myself rn & some of that can get really hard to speak on.
I just... I haven't really spoken to my dad in over a month. There was a period in time I didn't talk to him for 4/5 years. I got past that.. WE got past it. Everything was okay & my anger towards him has been gone for years. I've come a long way but I guess I'd say I'm still healing.

We got in a fight over a month ago & it was over something stupid. He refused to believe a fact that I mentioned in conversation & he completely misunderstood everything. He started getting really worked up & while raising his voice, he said "I should beat your ass right now!"

I was calm the whole time, but him saying that triggered me. Because it's like he forgot he hasn't been able to beat my ass since I was 12... I've been the one who beat his ass every time ever since I realized I could stand up for myself. I HATE fighting him. I break down in tears every time I've ever fought him but I'll still fight & I won't back down. My childhood taught me to never back down. Or maybe that's pride.. idk.

Anyway, I pulled the gun out of my pants, set it down on top of a table on the side, then stepped up to him & told him "Do it then. Beat my ass"

He backed down. He started getting loud, saying I pulled out a gun on him & he was going to call the cops on me. All I said was "You're f*cking stupid. I clearly put the gun away because I'm not gonna fight you with a gun on me. But if that's your way of backing down, fine 🙌"
I put my hands up & I walked away. He continued yelling more things & talking more shit but I blocked it all out after that.
Once I'm done, I'm done. Be mad all you want but I'm moving on.

We haven't talked since then. I tried sending him a song a week later so he could listen to it but he never responded. That song was just how I felt & I hoped he'd understand that but maybe not.

I'm not mad at him. I don't even think he really believes I pulled a gun on him. I'm pretty sure he only used that excuse because he didn't wanna fight & that was his way of backing out without looking like a bitch. We had a conversation last year where I told him that whenever I fight someone, I put my gun away first.
He admired that & said he thinks that's the way it should be. So idk... I think he knows I didn't pull it on him.

Now I'm in this weird position where me & all my siblings are all together for Father's Day.. we're about to get a bunch of food & spend the night hanging out. Its a good time & I always enjoy their company... but there's an awkward tension between my dad & I. We still haven't talked, or looked at each other. Normally I always apologize first & I'm the one to mend things but I don't feel like doing that this time 😔
Why should I have to be the adult? He should be a f*cking man & learn how to talk for once...

Despite the history, I'm not even angry... I'm more hurt than mad

Stark

I think at first it becomes the norm being the “adult” to your parents in your life because of their unsolved trauma, and then at one point you finally hit a breaking point to where you become frustrated and angry that you have to be the adult in those situations regardless of those traumas they experienced. I was watching a video on emotionally immature parents and it feels like your dad is the rejecting type which is probably one of the worse types of emotionally immature parents to deal with. With these types of parents you spend your entire life trying to empathize with them and justify their mistreatment and it gets you no where. We don’t want to demonize or vilify the parent, but you’re allowed to feel however you feel towards your parents and it doesn’t make you awful for it that includes negative feelings. If you want to feel angry, say they’re awful or evil do that because you probably had to spend the rest of your life repressing those feelings due to the guilt you had for feeling that way. It’s important to confront those negative feelings you have towards your dad and let it take up space for once in your life. I know it’s hard, because you want to have a good relationship with your dad and I can see that in the way you attempt to mend things every single time and make initiative, and know that hurts have to be the one to always reach out and fix things and if you don’t it probably will just be dismissed or never “fixed”, but just know that even though this is the type of relationship you have with your father it’s not the type of relationship you deserve with anyone. You’re worth reaching out to, fighting for, and mending things for. You’re not someone who can easily be forgotten or abandoned. You don’t have to settle for this type of relationship from anyone even family. I think you did great in holding your ground and not reaching out to him first just to make peace and make everyone else comfortable but you. Make him work for it this time, because you deserve that. And regardless of who he is to you in your life he doesn’t determine your worth. You have so much anger and pent up emotion towards him I can tell by just how passionate and emotional your arguments are with him. If you keep dismissing your feelings and pushing them down towards him you’re never going to heal.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Stark I know we already talked about this personally. But thank you, it was all stuff I needed to hear. When people say things like "that's still your parent" or things like that it seems annoying because people don't really understand. When you're more emotionally mature than your parent they'll never really match up to the same respect we give them. Trauma or not.
I don't wanna have to be the one to apologize first this time but not because I don't wanna forgive.. I already forgave without saying it. It's more so because being the one to always speak first makes me feel like I'm the one admitting to being wrong when I don't really feel like I was wrong. Shit feels dumb to me but I guess I have a right to feel that way. It was earned