On Mother's Day I wrote about my complicated relationship with my mom.. so watch out dad, I'm coming for you too 😂

Joking aside, my dad & I didn't have a great relationship. Still kinda don't.
Some of you already know about some of the things I went through as a kid. I believe the way I was raised is what led me into a lot of the bad shit I've done in my life.

I never felt protected & since I was the oldest out of all my siblings, I became the protector. I fought for all of them, I fought for anyone who didn't/couldn't fight for themselves. I carried so much anger my whole life because I was mad at my dad for not being the one to protect us.. in fact I was mad at him for being the one who hurt us.

I won't go into detail about all of that now.. I've done that on posts before. I don't feel like repeating myself rn & some of that can get really hard to speak on.
I just... I haven't really spoken to my dad in over a month. There was a period in time I didn't talk to him for 4/5 years. I got past that.. WE got past it. Everything was okay & my anger towards him has been gone for years. I've come a long way but I guess I'd say I'm still healing.

We got in a fight over a month ago & it was over something stupid. He refused to believe a fact that I mentioned in conversation & he completely misunderstood everything. He started getting really worked up & while raising his voice, he said "I should beat your ass right now!"

I was calm the whole time, but him saying that triggered me. Because it's like he forgot he hasn't been able to beat my ass since I was 12... I've been the one who beat his ass every time ever since I realized I could stand up for myself. I HATE fighting him. I break down in tears every time I've ever fought him but I'll still fight & I won't back down. My childhood taught me to never back down. Or maybe that's pride.. idk.

Anyway, I pulled the gun out of my pants, set it down on top of a table on the side, then stepped up to him & told him "Do it then. Beat my ass"

He backed down. He started getting loud, saying I pulled out a gun on him & he was going to call the cops on me. All I said was "You're f*cking stupid. I clearly put the gun away because I'm not gonna fight you with a gun on me. But if that's your way of backing down, fine 🙌"
I put my hands up & I walked away. He continued yelling more things & talking more shit but I blocked it all out after that.
Once I'm done, I'm done. Be mad all you want but I'm moving on.

We haven't talked since then. I tried sending him a song a week later so he could listen to it but he never responded. That song was just how I felt & I hoped he'd understand that but maybe not.

I'm not mad at him. I don't even think he really believes I pulled a gun on him. I'm pretty sure he only used that excuse because he didn't wanna fight & that was his way of backing out without looking like a bitch. We had a conversation last year where I told him that whenever I fight someone, I put my gun away first.
He admired that & said he thinks that's the way it should be. So idk... I think he knows I didn't pull it on him.

Now I'm in this weird position where me & all my siblings are all together for Father's Day.. we're about to get a bunch of food & spend the night hanging out. Its a good time & I always enjoy their company... but there's an awkward tension between my dad & I. We still haven't talked, or looked at each other. Normally I always apologize first & I'm the one to mend things but I don't feel like doing that this time 😔
Why should I have to be the adult? He should be a f*cking man & learn how to talk for once...

Despite the history, I'm not even angry... I'm more hurt than mad

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Reject · 31-35, M

It’s hard for me to understand dads, because me and all my friends never had one or we only knew them briefly as kids. We had no rules or authority and did whatever we wanted. We caused a lot of trouble for a lot of people. I always wondered if having a dad would’ve made things different. Even a bad relationship with one like yours.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Reject I imagine it's a lot different having that relationship.. even if it's not a good one. But still pretty similar.
Despite the things I went through, I still love my dad & I can't help that. I understand a lot better now & I'm still hurt by the past but at least I understand now & I grew past it instead of holding on. I was like you in the sense that I did whatever I wanted & had no rules. I DID have rules but nobody could control me so everyone gave up.

My dad told me once I was an adult, that he became afraid to confront me. Because he was afraid of what I'd do. & He felt like he couldn't give me advice because I was exactly like him.. & he didn't have a dad to stop him either. So how could he stop me?

Reject · 31-35, M

@ChiefJustWalks You had no rules fighting for independence. We had no rules fighting for attention. You freed yourself from a bad situation, we purposely went into them.

Despite everything you’ve been through with him, you still find it in your heart to love your dad. He may have failed you in most ways, but he unintentionally taught you how to care for someone even through faults. That’s something important. That’s a lesson I didn’t learn. I always needed far too much from people. We all did.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Reject that's an interesting thing to think about. I can care a lot about someone but still not pay them any mind. It's a skill really lol. But thanks for offering your point of view. I imagine it's not really a day you care much for either. I hope things don't bother you as much as it's bothering me rn. Even having a family, you'd be surprised how many holidays I've spent alone

Reject · 31-35, M

@ChiefJustWalks That is a skill! I admire it because I’m quite the opposite. It’s almost impossible to get people I care about out of my mind. I don’t celebrate any holidays. I wish I did though. I know you’re in a rough patch with your dad, but you should wish him a happy Father’s Day. Even if he ignores it, it will mean something. It might make today just a little better for you both.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Reject I'm sorry man. I'm at least glad you know how you feel & how to speak on it. You seem to do that often too so I get the feeling you're a great person for anyone to have in their life. Despite what you might've been through.
I do wanna tell my dad Happy Father's Day though. I feel guilty not saying it even though I shouldn't. But it's hard

Reject · 31-35, M

@ChiefJustWalks I try to be good for people. Listen, I know that your dad is a horribly difficult person. He’s acted out and mistreated you. Now he’s being childish again and ignoring you. You want him to finally be a bigger person and actually reach out first this time. He’s not though. You’re tired of his problems and feeling hurt. So now just doesn’t seem like a good time to try. I’d say you should though if only because there’s a lot of good that came from your relationship with your dad. Always having to be more of a man than him made you an exceptional one. He’s always been there for you, even if it was only as an obstacle to overcome. There’s meaning in that. Significance that I’d say is worth a happy Father’s Day at the very least.