Overall, would you say you grew up in a loving household?

@SW-User You have definitely done a lot of hard work -- the kind that many would shy away from.

@DrWatson It was quite literally a matter of survival. People threatened dire consequences if I failed to get better.

@SW-User It took me a very long time to understand the trauma I endured. I wish I had found a trauma therapist sooner.

@Peapod I get that. I wish I'd known I needed help. I didn't realize it until it got to the point where I ended up going through several rounds of misdiagnosis and wrong treatments. If I'd only known the warning signs of severe depression and PTSD, that whole extra trauma could have been avoided.

@SW-User Same here! When you are surrounded by toxic people as a child, you don't even know what "normal" looks like. I just knew I really suffered from anxiety and depression from a young age on. Then I had other things happen in more recent years that forced me to seek out help. I was actually referred to a trauma specialist from another counselor who recognized I was suffering from PTSD.

@Peapod I knew my family wasn't "normal" by the time I was school age. I wanted to talk about what was happening, but people weren't open to the idea of narcissistic abuse back then. Children were scoffed at and told they had hyperactive imaginations. I tried to get a feel for normalcy from TV and movies, but that's not reality. By the time I was married, my PCP was advising me to distance myself from my family -- the funny thing is that what she knew was only the tip of the iceberg.

@SW-User I relate to everything you are saying.

Thankfully I learned to [i]choose[/i] good people to be in my life now. I only wish I could have understood all that I know now, when I was still young.

@Peapod Oh yeah -- in recent years, I sometimes like to dream about what it would be like to go back in time with the knowledge I have now. All the misery that could have been avoided...

@SW-User Absolutely! In my case, there would be a whole long list of people I would have never let near me if I understood what my "comfort zone" had become.

@Peapod Wow. No kidding. There are guys I wouldn't have dated, a church I would never have joined, a few jobs offers I would have declined and my marriage wouldn't have happened. 😆 If only I'd known.

@SW-User Same here! I know it does no good to do the "what if" thing, but I have my moments and feel sad.

Of course I know I am very fortunate to have what I have now. Not everyone gets to understand their own psyche and pain.

@Peapod I understand that last sentence. While my home life was pretty healthy, other things about my childhood and adolescence were not. Among other things, I was sexually harassed by a teacher throughout the seventh grade.

At the time, I did not recognize it for what it was. I just thought he was "picking on me", the same way he picked on other kids in the class (that was his style, which I now see as pretty sick.)

It was literally decades later, when I attended a sexual harassment workshop at work, that I suddenly felt all the repressed trauma. It hit me all at once as the speaker was giving her presentation. I was sitting against the window, as far from the door as possible, so I could not get up and leave without making a fuss. But I remember staring out the window wondering if I could just jump out and survive the drop , one floor down, without getting hurt. That is how suffocated I felt by the emotions that were overtaking me.

It took me years to work through all of that, and to understand how it had affected my later life.

I agree that being able to understand why we are the way we are is a precious gift.

@DrWatson I've been there too with both harrassment and attacks. Some were in the family and some out. There was a teacher (college professor actually) in my life story too. I so agree with your last sentence. In my 50s, after years of counseling that went nowhere, I finally found some books that helped to change my thinking from hopelessness to acceptance.

@SW-User Books and a support group helped me.

When I came home from that harassment workshop, I was numb.

But years later, when I was addressing other issues, I finally "connected the dots" and recognized that the harassment (as well as other things, like being beaten up by bullies when I was in grade school) actually contributed to my problems. I actually felt a great weight lifted from my shoulders, and a great sense of relief. "I don't have to hate myself after all! There are reasons I am the way I am!" And that led to the road to healing.

@DrWatson Yep. No more asking myself what's wrong with me or asking why I'm not "normal" like everyone else. I too have experienced an incredible feeling of relief from the discoveries made in my reading and research. I don't have to try so hard anymore to make myself be something I'm not.

@SW-User I use the word "normal" merely in a statistical sense: the "norm" is what most people do or how they are. I do not use it as a value judgment at all. An extremely loving and generous person is "abnormal", as is an extremely abusive and hateful person. One can be abnormally "good" or abnormally "bad". But most of the time one is abnormal in a neutral way.

I dislike coffee. I guess that makes me abnormal in that regard, but I am not going to lose any sleep over it.

I am a man who has never been excited about automobiles and who has only a very mild interest in professional sports. Those things got me some strange reactions now and then (more so when I was younger, when it seemed there was more pressure to conform than there is at my age).

When it comes to more intimate things: spirituality, sexuality, or just private thoughts, I know I am different from many in some ways at the same time that I share a lot in common with others, but so what? That is me. And probably many others could say the same about themselves.

@DrWatson My use of the word "normal" has been corrupted by people who used it as a weapon against me, as in "We are normal and you aren't".

I have no interest in sports whatsoever, and that did not go down well when I was in school. With my family, there was a problem of me not living up to expectations about what a woman is supposed to feel and want. Now I know there are others out there, just like me. We are all quirky in some way. 🤓

@SW-User I tend to be drawn to people who are quirky in one way or another. I am nerdy -- in the sense that I study things just for fun. A lot of people do not get that! 😄

@DrWatson I'm the same way and I'm fanatical about some kinds of history. I was a bookworm as a kid and am now a total research nerd. I'm happy as a clam with my studies.

@SW-User My wife's best friend in college was someone who used to sneak out of recess in grade school so she could go inside and read!

@DrWatson Ha, I did that once in 5th grade and got reprimanded for it. 😄

@DrWatson Without going into any detail, I was completely exploited as a young teen and it would take years for me to even understand it for what it was. Neither of my parents were there to protect me or guide me and I carried that burden all on my own.

I sorry you went through what you did as well.

People that harm us as children don't get the impact, nor do they care.

@DrWatson [quote] tend to be drawn to people who are quirky in one way or another. I am nerdy[/quote]

Same here! 🙂

@Peapod Uh-oh. Here we are again, proving that we are part of an SW "clique" 😂

@DrWatson Hahahahaha!