Trauma and family relationships are complicated
Today is my brothers birthday. 😮💨 I wrestled with the decision to call him. We have a very very complicated relationship. I love my brother. There is nothing I still wouldn’t do for him just like when we were kids.
Our home life was bad. Like really bad. Filled will a lot of abuse (not discipline) a lot of neglect. A lot of bad bad shit. I am four years older than my brother. I was 7 years old when things started to get really bad & he was three.
Luckily he was shielded a lot and I always did my best to protect him. It was still bad for him. I wasn’t always there to catch the beatings and I wasn’t always there when he needed me but I always tried.
In the later years it was easier because he was never the one that was bad. There was very little that he could do wrong. Especially in my mother’s eyes. He’s the baby and the miracle they wanted. I always tried.
Growing up the way we did. Going through abuse and trauma changes people. People find their ways or coping. It fucks with relationships. The not as abused sibling feels like all the attention is focused on the bad kid and the abused child wonders why it’s only happening to them.
We survived. It eventually stopped. We grew up. We found our ways of coping. We both became addicts just like our father. My brothers drug of choice was heroin & alcohol & my drug of choice is alcohol & self harm.
We are not close at all. He has a lot of resentment towards me because I ruined his childhood by being a bad kid. It’s complicated. Trauma is complicated. Brothers and sisters are complicated.
For the most part we both got through it. We both have our own lives. He’s still very much a mamas boy. He’s the only one that she has anymore. I made a decision not that long ago that for my own safety I had to cut her off he still can’t understand why I have he believes at the end of the day she’s my mother and she is sick and I need to take that into consideration. Anyone who knows me knows what it took for me to make that decision.
I knew calling him today might have been something I was going to regret but I remember how horrible I felt on my birthday when no one cared to call or remember and like I said I love him. He’s my brother.
You ever do something you know you’re going to regret the second you do it but you can’t stop yourself from doing it? Yeah that totally happened. I could tell two minutes into the conversation that he’s using again. There was no easy to way to explain the hateful words and things he said so I am not even going to try.
I understand trauma and PTSD and it all. I’ve so much empathy and will let anyone vent. He took a trip down memory lane and at one point he was thanking me for taking so much of the beatings and trying to protect him and apologizing for how bad it got as mom apparently as she is working through her shit has told him more about my dad than I think he ever knew to but then in the same fucking breath accusing me of ruining his childhood and how now he can’t have anything good in life.
I know it’s the H. I know it’s the trauma. I know it’s the pain. I know our mom is a lot and she’s got worse since our father passed. Which was very hard on my brother because him and our father worked things out and they were thick as thieves when he passed and it fucked my brother up big time.
But knowing that in my brain and my heart not being able to understand that are two totally separate things. Words cut deep. I hate how muc h hurt my brother feels. I hate the way we grew up. I hate that he is someone else I let down. I am glad that I waited till after I had put my kids to bed to call him because the conversation was so heartbreaking that by the time we got off the phone I just don’t think I’d even be able to pretend to be okay.
I hope he can get himself clean again. He is a different person when he is clean. He said he was just celebrating because it’s his birthday and him and his wife wanted to have a good night. I hope that is the case. Although im not too happy that my SIL got him the H.
I don’t even know why I am writing this. I don’t know why it hurts so bad. I don’t know why we had to have this life. I just don’t know.
Thanks to anyone who read my rambling.
Our home life was bad. Like really bad. Filled will a lot of abuse (not discipline) a lot of neglect. A lot of bad bad shit. I am four years older than my brother. I was 7 years old when things started to get really bad & he was three.
Luckily he was shielded a lot and I always did my best to protect him. It was still bad for him. I wasn’t always there to catch the beatings and I wasn’t always there when he needed me but I always tried.
In the later years it was easier because he was never the one that was bad. There was very little that he could do wrong. Especially in my mother’s eyes. He’s the baby and the miracle they wanted. I always tried.
Growing up the way we did. Going through abuse and trauma changes people. People find their ways or coping. It fucks with relationships. The not as abused sibling feels like all the attention is focused on the bad kid and the abused child wonders why it’s only happening to them.
We survived. It eventually stopped. We grew up. We found our ways of coping. We both became addicts just like our father. My brothers drug of choice was heroin & alcohol & my drug of choice is alcohol & self harm.
We are not close at all. He has a lot of resentment towards me because I ruined his childhood by being a bad kid. It’s complicated. Trauma is complicated. Brothers and sisters are complicated.
For the most part we both got through it. We both have our own lives. He’s still very much a mamas boy. He’s the only one that she has anymore. I made a decision not that long ago that for my own safety I had to cut her off he still can’t understand why I have he believes at the end of the day she’s my mother and she is sick and I need to take that into consideration. Anyone who knows me knows what it took for me to make that decision.
I knew calling him today might have been something I was going to regret but I remember how horrible I felt on my birthday when no one cared to call or remember and like I said I love him. He’s my brother.
You ever do something you know you’re going to regret the second you do it but you can’t stop yourself from doing it? Yeah that totally happened. I could tell two minutes into the conversation that he’s using again. There was no easy to way to explain the hateful words and things he said so I am not even going to try.
I understand trauma and PTSD and it all. I’ve so much empathy and will let anyone vent. He took a trip down memory lane and at one point he was thanking me for taking so much of the beatings and trying to protect him and apologizing for how bad it got as mom apparently as she is working through her shit has told him more about my dad than I think he ever knew to but then in the same fucking breath accusing me of ruining his childhood and how now he can’t have anything good in life.
I know it’s the H. I know it’s the trauma. I know it’s the pain. I know our mom is a lot and she’s got worse since our father passed. Which was very hard on my brother because him and our father worked things out and they were thick as thieves when he passed and it fucked my brother up big time.
But knowing that in my brain and my heart not being able to understand that are two totally separate things. Words cut deep. I hate how muc h hurt my brother feels. I hate the way we grew up. I hate that he is someone else I let down. I am glad that I waited till after I had put my kids to bed to call him because the conversation was so heartbreaking that by the time we got off the phone I just don’t think I’d even be able to pretend to be okay.
I hope he can get himself clean again. He is a different person when he is clean. He said he was just celebrating because it’s his birthday and him and his wife wanted to have a good night. I hope that is the case. Although im not too happy that my SIL got him the H.
I don’t even know why I am writing this. I don’t know why it hurts so bad. I don’t know why we had to have this life. I just don’t know.
Thanks to anyone who read my rambling.
