A part of me wants to confront him - but I won't..
All day I've been struggling with flashbacks and memories from my childhood, that literally makes me want to leave my body and escape from my brain.
My brain has been so chaotic, I forgot to eat anything and my colleague told me 4 times to take a break and eat before I finally listened. I feel like I'm drowning.
I feel like my first stepdad was a psychopath, or at least something was really off.
From what I mentioned in the last post, but he also said really messed up things to me, and did things that makes no sense.
He woke me up one time, by grabbing me (I was sleeping), pulling me out of bed and carried me to the bathroom, pushed me into the shower and turned the water on, while screaming that I was sleeping too long and needed to wake up.
He would yell at me for everything, no matter how small or stupid.
He made me to listen to his "birds and bees" talk, except he explained it like "you have a tunnel, I have a train, the train needs to go into the tunnel", which was very uncomfortable.
He would go into my room, and lay down on my bed, then tell me to lay with him, and if I said no he got mad and forced me. One time he did this, I tried to get out of bed, and he squeezed me so hard I felt like I couldn't move. And he wouldn't let me go, while he yelled at me to listen while he told me how "every guy that wants to be your friend, only wants one thing, every man wants you in one way only", while also talking about my body.
I basically wasn't allowed to show feelings, speak up, express myself, care about my mom, or sleep in lol.
I have other memories too that I'll never share, but these are weighing heavy on me, and my doctor told me I should write about things. So I'm posting it here..
My brain has been so chaotic, I forgot to eat anything and my colleague told me 4 times to take a break and eat before I finally listened. I feel like I'm drowning.
I feel like my first stepdad was a psychopath, or at least something was really off.
From what I mentioned in the last post, but he also said really messed up things to me, and did things that makes no sense.
He woke me up one time, by grabbing me (I was sleeping), pulling me out of bed and carried me to the bathroom, pushed me into the shower and turned the water on, while screaming that I was sleeping too long and needed to wake up.
He would yell at me for everything, no matter how small or stupid.
He made me to listen to his "birds and bees" talk, except he explained it like "you have a tunnel, I have a train, the train needs to go into the tunnel", which was very uncomfortable.
He would go into my room, and lay down on my bed, then tell me to lay with him, and if I said no he got mad and forced me. One time he did this, I tried to get out of bed, and he squeezed me so hard I felt like I couldn't move. And he wouldn't let me go, while he yelled at me to listen while he told me how "every guy that wants to be your friend, only wants one thing, every man wants you in one way only", while also talking about my body.
I basically wasn't allowed to show feelings, speak up, express myself, care about my mom, or sleep in lol.
I have other memories too that I'll never share, but these are weighing heavy on me, and my doctor told me I should write about things. So I'm posting it here..
