Ashamed, Desolate and Confused
I'll write this in points, cause I'd rather get straight into it:
-I'm 36, and still useless and reeling from the fact that my life seems confusing; nothing in it makes sense and I'm loosing my drive to continue, not in a physical suicidal way but to just give up.
- I obtained two degrees over the years in Agriculture: an Associate and a Bachelor ( in animals). I even went as far as to attend Veterinary school in another country, had to stop because my grandfather got sick and financially no one could go anymore to support me. I returned in 2016 to my country and had to find call centre jobs which I failed at, cause it was mentally miserable for me.
-In May of 2016 my grandfather was weak and a man who was interested in me since church days, took my virginty ( blood was seen) but we didn't proceed to have sex cause I got freaked out. This happened under deception Why? I'll explain later.
-December 2016, Grandfather passed away in a hospital. I was broken as he was my father, as he raised me along with my grandmother.
-January 2016, he was buried.
-June 2017, after finally trying sex since january and hardly hearing from the man who took my virginty. His sister finally explained the deception: he had a girlfriend. Apparently he would sometimes ask for us to not talk everyday, said random things like he doesn't want to hurt me, ignore me. All the good stuff. And finally found out why I was abandoned by someone who promised not to leave me. We stopped talking after I discovered his secret.
-August 2017, uncle had an aneurysm. The family was still recovering from my grandfather's death, now my uncle was in ICU for a looong time, spent months in therapy and by 2018 he passed away from a bladder infection9??) and by that time I was suicidal. Cause I was with my aunt the whole leg of the journey.
-November 2017, after enduring lots of private phone calls,messages for months, I finally answered my ex to hear him apologise and explain how the girl cheated on him, and he could not ljust leave her for me back then as it was against his principles as a Hebrew Israelite. Surprise...the guy practiced mild polygamy.
-2018-2022- We got back toggether, broke up many times, he cheated a few times and finally got rid of me in 2022 when i started to mentally disintegrate. Meaning, I was always suspicious, checking phones, questioning him, apologising after he would break up with me and begging him to take me back.He was now with someone new for a year.
-2023, I slept with someone else, who was my good friend after a period of us seeing each other. he said he had a situationship which turned out to be his girlfriend and I CONTINUED. After the five months of sexual encounters with him, I tore myself away after a forced sex situation and cried. After one more encounter, I never went back to him.
-2024/jANUARY 2025 after my ex kept reaching out again and promising me dates, although he was seeing someone else, we had sex three times. When he found out I told him, I was with someone ayear after he officially broke it off with me, he told me, "I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE UNIQUE BUT you're just like commoners now, but you're still precious to me...."
-So that's me, now having a body count of two, a tragic history of a first time relationship and sleeping with men who have people. I always though the first one was mine, as he said biblically I was his "wife."
-since January 2025 to now,I have been single except for talking to someone online who i've never met and is a Christian.
-I still mourn my first relationship. Yes, I was tricked into a relationship, I stayed because I wanted to be with the first person I gave myself to,and we had similar religious principles. However, he lied A LOT and many things I did not know, especially the polygamy part, him having a girlfriend and how experience he was.
-He is now a father and seems to be engaged. And guess what, he told me their sect of Hebrew israelites could not get married, and strung me along for years.....And guess what? I now have fibroid seedlings, intramural ones and not sure now if I can ever conceive. Sometimes I feel a slight burning in my abdomen and cannot even afford to get a scan.
-I live in a rural area on an island. And apart from part-time teacher roles, I cannot seem to get a steady job. Many times I want to kill myself, and although I try making castor oil to sell (I used the money to buy back a bean press machine and other materials for my business), I still cannot get enough money to even purchase the beans. And I have to confess I turned down a science teacher interview because I started getting BAD anxiety about the interview process. I was in a part-time teacher role 3 months ago, and now I'm turning down interview cause I'm stressed mentally exhausted (according to my mother)??
-I owe the student loan organisation in my country 1.3 million dollars for a medical course I could not finish.
- I tried to level up by applying for scholarships for a programme I want to pursue, to get out of Agriculture, and the scholarship organisation called me to only ask me questions, and I have yet to get a follow-up.
- I feel confused a lot, not knowing which direction to take, how to function anymore. And I grieve a relationship with someone who didn't respect me, although he tried to right his wrongs in the end. I grieve my mental health cause,I don't know how to fix my life and have nothing to look back on but mistakes.
-I'm 36, and still useless and reeling from the fact that my life seems confusing; nothing in it makes sense and I'm loosing my drive to continue, not in a physical suicidal way but to just give up.
- I obtained two degrees over the years in Agriculture: an Associate and a Bachelor ( in animals). I even went as far as to attend Veterinary school in another country, had to stop because my grandfather got sick and financially no one could go anymore to support me. I returned in 2016 to my country and had to find call centre jobs which I failed at, cause it was mentally miserable for me.
-In May of 2016 my grandfather was weak and a man who was interested in me since church days, took my virginty ( blood was seen) but we didn't proceed to have sex cause I got freaked out. This happened under deception Why? I'll explain later.
-December 2016, Grandfather passed away in a hospital. I was broken as he was my father, as he raised me along with my grandmother.
-January 2016, he was buried.
-June 2017, after finally trying sex since january and hardly hearing from the man who took my virginty. His sister finally explained the deception: he had a girlfriend. Apparently he would sometimes ask for us to not talk everyday, said random things like he doesn't want to hurt me, ignore me. All the good stuff. And finally found out why I was abandoned by someone who promised not to leave me. We stopped talking after I discovered his secret.
-August 2017, uncle had an aneurysm. The family was still recovering from my grandfather's death, now my uncle was in ICU for a looong time, spent months in therapy and by 2018 he passed away from a bladder infection9??) and by that time I was suicidal. Cause I was with my aunt the whole leg of the journey.
-November 2017, after enduring lots of private phone calls,messages for months, I finally answered my ex to hear him apologise and explain how the girl cheated on him, and he could not ljust leave her for me back then as it was against his principles as a Hebrew Israelite. Surprise...the guy practiced mild polygamy.
-2018-2022- We got back toggether, broke up many times, he cheated a few times and finally got rid of me in 2022 when i started to mentally disintegrate. Meaning, I was always suspicious, checking phones, questioning him, apologising after he would break up with me and begging him to take me back.He was now with someone new for a year.
-2023, I slept with someone else, who was my good friend after a period of us seeing each other. he said he had a situationship which turned out to be his girlfriend and I CONTINUED. After the five months of sexual encounters with him, I tore myself away after a forced sex situation and cried. After one more encounter, I never went back to him.
-2024/jANUARY 2025 after my ex kept reaching out again and promising me dates, although he was seeing someone else, we had sex three times. When he found out I told him, I was with someone ayear after he officially broke it off with me, he told me, "I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE UNIQUE BUT you're just like commoners now, but you're still precious to me...."
-So that's me, now having a body count of two, a tragic history of a first time relationship and sleeping with men who have people. I always though the first one was mine, as he said biblically I was his "wife."
-since January 2025 to now,I have been single except for talking to someone online who i've never met and is a Christian.
-I still mourn my first relationship. Yes, I was tricked into a relationship, I stayed because I wanted to be with the first person I gave myself to,and we had similar religious principles. However, he lied A LOT and many things I did not know, especially the polygamy part, him having a girlfriend and how experience he was.
-He is now a father and seems to be engaged. And guess what, he told me their sect of Hebrew israelites could not get married, and strung me along for years.....And guess what? I now have fibroid seedlings, intramural ones and not sure now if I can ever conceive. Sometimes I feel a slight burning in my abdomen and cannot even afford to get a scan.
-I live in a rural area on an island. And apart from part-time teacher roles, I cannot seem to get a steady job. Many times I want to kill myself, and although I try making castor oil to sell (I used the money to buy back a bean press machine and other materials for my business), I still cannot get enough money to even purchase the beans. And I have to confess I turned down a science teacher interview because I started getting BAD anxiety about the interview process. I was in a part-time teacher role 3 months ago, and now I'm turning down interview cause I'm stressed mentally exhausted (according to my mother)??
-I owe the student loan organisation in my country 1.3 million dollars for a medical course I could not finish.
- I tried to level up by applying for scholarships for a programme I want to pursue, to get out of Agriculture, and the scholarship organisation called me to only ask me questions, and I have yet to get a follow-up.
- I feel confused a lot, not knowing which direction to take, how to function anymore. And I grieve a relationship with someone who didn't respect me, although he tried to right his wrongs in the end. I grieve my mental health cause,I don't know how to fix my life and have nothing to look back on but mistakes.
36-40, FNew
