I Am Stronger Because of All I've Been Through

I like to think of my life like this, but it is hard to. I am at a point in my life where I am looking back at my past with new eyes. My teen angst has continued and I am now at a midpoint in my 20s. I realize now a lot of what I've been through is straight up trauma. However, I have rarely accepted it as so.

When I was younger, I continued to break.
There was a time in my life where I tried to kill myself all the time, and all I did was look inside, not at the situation around me.

Now I am...and it is a troubling point.I am finally moving forward, however...I am not sure if it has made me stronger or not. I am not sure, I think it has ruined me.

I live i this bubble of labels, and my mistakes. My parents, whom I am working towards leaving independantly...are continuing this emotional abuse.

It sounds so lame to me. I know I need to just work through it.

But mentally, I feel as if everyone who looks at me will 'figure out' how lame I am. OR see through me, whatever it is I am afraid of people seeing through...I am not even sure.

I wish I could talk to people, smile laugh. Be happy. Be personable. Maybe deep inside I hate myself...but I don't want to. I've always felt that something is wrong with me. But now I just want something to be right.

I am not dwelling in pity. I am busy constantly. And have a resolve, future, plan, and currently working towards it. But...I am still a child on the inside and reflect that around others...regardless of what I know and can do.

I am not sure if anyone understands this. But it is difficult to step past the past.