This is my biggest regret that I will never be able to fix ....

Just like the last post I shared, this was motivated by someone else's post.
I normally don't share much as it's own post but rather write insanely long comments.
I have been told that I need to share my experiences as their own Stories.
I was also asked before what people would think about me if they knew more of my back story.
Let's find out.


I am suffering a horrid hole in my soul because I am to much of a simple man.
My daughter got hurt buy me not spending time alone just with her after my divorce. She took the split very hard. Her and I were inseparable for the first five years of her life.
She felt I was spending more time with my boys and that I didn't love her as much as them, her mother said.
I just didn't understand what she needed. She needed for me to let her know she was still important to me. I failed because I was trying to spend time with the kids as a group instead of individually.

I don't take hints at all. Subtleties fall flat dead on the floor in front of me. I have always been like that.
I was having to see my kids in supervised visits once a week for one hour because my ex-wife is an evil bitch spawned in hell and was even heard saying if she has her way I will never see the kids again. Long and miserable story I may have to write next .
Actually, she claimed I was trying to get information from the kids about her and that was all the court needed to stop my personal home visits with the kids believe it or not. I had to go to court three months after her accusation and simply say I wasn't doing that. THAT"S F%CKING ALL I LITERALLY DID. Three months of crap because of that.
Well after about a month of the sh%t visits she stopped coming. I just thought she was bored. The supervision place said they can't force her to come even tho under normal visits the child has to show up for the visits even if they say they don't want to. I still bought her Easter stuff and Birthday stuff but she still didn't come see me.
The court decided we should wait until she decided she wanted to see me again.
I was told I couldn't attempt to contact her.

Now let's get this clear. Nobody accused me of molesting her or neglecting her in any way. Her mother simply said I was trying to get information from her. I will write more about it later.

The last time I saw her she was 11 years old. She is now sixteen.
She is working up the road and is living with a family friend one f%cking block from me.
Her mother and husband kicked her out of the house because she has Border line personality disorder and needs someone to take the time to help her through it. She needs more than her mother is willing or able to supply for her.
She is a handful, or was for a while, but that is what being a parent is. Being there for your kids not shipping them off to be someone else's problem.
Damn it this is killing me.
My eyes haven't been dry since I started writing this.

So she learned to drive without me and bought her own car with out me being able to help or advise.
I couldn't buy her a car for her 16th birthday like I really wanted to.
She will go to prom and I won't be able to intimidate her date before hand. I won't be able to tell her how pretty she looks all dressed up. I won't be able to rent them a nice car for it.
She will graduate and I will have to hide in the crowd so I can take pictures of my little girl doing something I never did.
She will meet some one special and I will never know them. I will never get to take them out to dinner just to spend time with them.
I won't f%cking be able to give her away at her wedding.
I will never get called to come over to help fix the leaky pipe in the basement or the hole in the roof.
I will never get to see her children. I will never be their grandfather. They will never know I even exist.
I will never be able to talk with her during her tough times being a parent and give her advice from my own life experiences.
I will never be able to baby sit and tell them stories of their mother growing up.

I actually think about this all the time. It hurts so bad.
It isn't getting any easier the longer it gets.
You would think I would be at least a little numb to it buy now. After so many years of missing her.
She was in pigtails the last time I saw her and now she has grown into a young woman.

Sometimes I say f%ck her. I wouldn't spend one second of time with her even if she did decided to reconnect with me. I don't need her. She wasted all of my love by being a selfish and unforgiving brat.
F%ck her because she never even took the time, in all these years, to think that maybe I just screwed up and maybe I could redeem myself.
Then I cry.
This happens often. I am trying to find some way to be able to make this not hurt so bad.

I still keep up with her as much as I can.
I buy her gifts for holidays and birthdays.
I get info about what she is doing and how she is doing from her brothers and step dad.
I creep on her Facebook account to get pictures of her and then my sad ass pastes her into family pictures like she was actually there.
I used to talk to her counselor a few times a month and get the scoop on her until she turned 14 and then I would have to have permission from her to get any details according to the law.
Her counselor said she would tell her every time I called and the only thing she would let the counselor tell me was she was doing fine.

I am a musician. I write some music. But the only songs I can seem to write is about her.

The chorus seems to capture the root of how I feel all the time.

What hurts so much is
I'm the nobody you used to know
the person you chose to live with out
I was there at the start
But you won't be at the end
I've lost you know forever
But my love I still send

It's so very hard to have to admit to myself I will never see her again.
It's been so long that she has no need or want to put herself in that kind of awkward situation.
She has been without me longer than she was with me.

I am suffering a horrid hole in my soul because I am to much of a simple man.