I Regret

I remember in high school there was a guy in my class, he would look at me in utter disgust as if i were lower than dirt.


He would stare at me in such anger as if i did something wrong. He looked completely disgusted by my whole entire existence. I remember a day in specific where he gave me that oh so familar stare of his..

He was standing by our classroom door it was history class i remember it clear. And as i approached the door towards him...towards my class he gave me that look in which he did so often. I looked him in the eye for a split second then looked down, He did not care that i could see his hateful disgusted stares he did not care about my feelings i meant nothing to him i was crap in his eyes. I was filled with anxiety i dont like being looked at especially not like that so i'd just walk past him looking down and id feel his eyes watching me. Judging me. Sometimes id have the courage to look him in the eye a few times as i walked past and id see that hed still be giving me that stare.


Later on in the semester i found out why he'd look at me that way it was beacuse he found me to be very unattractive. I heard him talking with his friends one day in class making fun of my race saying we were ugly, in his exact words, "that sh*t is not attratice." I felt ashamed and there was nothing i could do. Everyone in the class could hear. He didnt bother to try not be too loud. He did not care. I was emabressed. I was hurt. I just wanted to go home.


His stares alone did not hurt self esstem. It's strange I dont understand why it didnt hurt me as much. I have a very low and fragile self esstem one bad comment about me could break me so its very surprising that the stares didnt hurt me as much. I just felt very uncomfortable and powerless and i wanted him to stop.


Its been a few years since that has happened yet i still think about those events often. And i deeply regret not being able to stick up for myself. It makes me so angry sometimes when i think about it. I had social anxiety at the time and still do so it was near impossible for me to stick up for myself but still i wish then in that very moment i would have had the strength and power to have said something.



I regret not saying anything it bothers me so much and i think thats why i think about what he did to me so often is beacuse i didnt stand up for myself and I wish so desperately that i could have. Why couldn't i just have said "what the hell are you staring at?"....or something?

But i did nothing. I just looked down like a coward each and every time he'd gave me those stares in which were filled with so much disgust and hate. I accepted his stares didnt say a word to him as if my existence was wrong. As if he was right. As if i deserved to be looked at that way.


As if i were in fact flawed in every single way...