At Least That's What We Tell Ourselves...
A heart never heals completely. We can go for such a long time, feeling like we are making progress, feeling like things are going to be whole again someday. But let's call it what it is...simply a lie we tell ourselves. It's a false narrative we buy into because we have to, because we need to believe it, at least a little bit. Those false dreams are rather like a Indian summer - it feels warm and good. It feels like the real thing, but it's not and it will retreat as quickly as it came and throw us right into the depths of a raging winter. We might not know when, but inevitably, the cold will come rushing back. It always does.
Those old scars, the deep ones we thought would never scab over, eventually do. But having been so deep, they are subject to open at the slightest scrape or bump. And while they may not bleed in torrents like they once did, they do seep, and ooze. They are oh so tender and the pain is still there.
Sometimes all it takes is hearing a certain song, or reading the wrong passage in a book...watching the wrong movie... Memories, hopes and dreams come flooding back, proving they aren't really gone and never were. They have merely been hiding away, silently, biding their time, waiting for a chance to make themselves known again. And when they do, it takes our breath away and brings us to our knees. Again.
We react. We retreat, overthink, regret, shed tears, make more promises to ourselves, use the words "never again", and tell ourselves over and over again that it doesn't matter. That nothing does. That we are stronger than the pain. That we don't care. That we are fine. That it's better this way. That this is how is was always supposed to be... In those moments we do mean those words, deeply and with all the passion and conviction we can still muster.
We restock the battlements, reinforce the walls, and vow to ourselves that we can and will do it alone. And we will be just fine.
We promise ourselves that we are and will become, even more self sufficient. That we don't need anyone. For anything. We are strong, and we are steely, and we really don't give a fuck who or what anyone says or does. That this is our life and we don't owe anyone anything at all. That this life is too short to let anyone else in to cause more scars and more damage. We are, as the song says, "a rock and an island."
"And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries."
We let it all in and we sit with it. We feel it all. We feel the pain, the loneliness, the regret, the determination, until finally we find the 'fuck you' attitude that invites no argument and accepts no excuses.
We repeat our mantras. We listen to our music. We retreat inward and we observe life, rather than living it the way we once did. We keep ourselves safe. Where we once wondered about and thought of hopes and dreams, we now push them all away, seeing them for what they are. Useless.
We put away those childish dreams. We remind ourselves that we are smarter now. We are warriors, battling the storms of life alone and without apology. We remind ourselves that we can stand on our own two feet and we are better off without attachments, without emotion. We are logical. We are driven. We smile from behind empty eyes, and we move through life as the greatest actors of our time, fooling everyone into believing we are fine. And that life is good. We never quit smiling and we laugh with the best of them.
But we know. We see it - how stuck we are. We understand the loneliness, but we refuse to let the pain in - we refuse to feel it as it beats at our breastbone like a cold, incessant, pounding, pouring rain. We simply pull our cloak tighter, tuck our heads a little further, and put our shoulder into the wind as we march on.
We are lucky though, we've been here before. We know a respite is coming. The sun may not come out, but the rain and wind will lessen, and end then we can walk easier with our heads held high and our steely gaze on the horizon. We'll stay away from things that open those old wounds, at least we will make a conscious effort to. We will retrain and control errant thoughts we have no business entertaining. We will find small joys in life and we won't forget that they are there, because it is all we have as we walk on alone.
Our life isn't what we envisioned back when our hearts, our hopes, and our dreams were intact. It is nothing we could have ever imagined, or wished for ourselves. But it is what it is, and here we are. Stronger, wiser, more self protective, and less naive. I guess that isn't such a bad thing after all.
At least that's what we tell ourselves.
[media=https://youtu.be/JKlSVNxLB-A]
Those old scars, the deep ones we thought would never scab over, eventually do. But having been so deep, they are subject to open at the slightest scrape or bump. And while they may not bleed in torrents like they once did, they do seep, and ooze. They are oh so tender and the pain is still there.
Sometimes all it takes is hearing a certain song, or reading the wrong passage in a book...watching the wrong movie... Memories, hopes and dreams come flooding back, proving they aren't really gone and never were. They have merely been hiding away, silently, biding their time, waiting for a chance to make themselves known again. And when they do, it takes our breath away and brings us to our knees. Again.
We react. We retreat, overthink, regret, shed tears, make more promises to ourselves, use the words "never again", and tell ourselves over and over again that it doesn't matter. That nothing does. That we are stronger than the pain. That we don't care. That we are fine. That it's better this way. That this is how is was always supposed to be... In those moments we do mean those words, deeply and with all the passion and conviction we can still muster.
We restock the battlements, reinforce the walls, and vow to ourselves that we can and will do it alone. And we will be just fine.
We promise ourselves that we are and will become, even more self sufficient. That we don't need anyone. For anything. We are strong, and we are steely, and we really don't give a fuck who or what anyone says or does. That this is our life and we don't owe anyone anything at all. That this life is too short to let anyone else in to cause more scars and more damage. We are, as the song says, "a rock and an island."
"And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries."
We let it all in and we sit with it. We feel it all. We feel the pain, the loneliness, the regret, the determination, until finally we find the 'fuck you' attitude that invites no argument and accepts no excuses.
We repeat our mantras. We listen to our music. We retreat inward and we observe life, rather than living it the way we once did. We keep ourselves safe. Where we once wondered about and thought of hopes and dreams, we now push them all away, seeing them for what they are. Useless.
We put away those childish dreams. We remind ourselves that we are smarter now. We are warriors, battling the storms of life alone and without apology. We remind ourselves that we can stand on our own two feet and we are better off without attachments, without emotion. We are logical. We are driven. We smile from behind empty eyes, and we move through life as the greatest actors of our time, fooling everyone into believing we are fine. And that life is good. We never quit smiling and we laugh with the best of them.
But we know. We see it - how stuck we are. We understand the loneliness, but we refuse to let the pain in - we refuse to feel it as it beats at our breastbone like a cold, incessant, pounding, pouring rain. We simply pull our cloak tighter, tuck our heads a little further, and put our shoulder into the wind as we march on.
We are lucky though, we've been here before. We know a respite is coming. The sun may not come out, but the rain and wind will lessen, and end then we can walk easier with our heads held high and our steely gaze on the horizon. We'll stay away from things that open those old wounds, at least we will make a conscious effort to. We will retrain and control errant thoughts we have no business entertaining. We will find small joys in life and we won't forget that they are there, because it is all we have as we walk on alone.
Our life isn't what we envisioned back when our hearts, our hopes, and our dreams were intact. It is nothing we could have ever imagined, or wished for ourselves. But it is what it is, and here we are. Stronger, wiser, more self protective, and less naive. I guess that isn't such a bad thing after all.
At least that's what we tell ourselves.
[media=https://youtu.be/JKlSVNxLB-A]
61-69, F
