I Have Learned Many Lessons In My Life
THE GOODBYE PLOY
(Since I'm old now, I thought I'd share some of these lessons).
Here is something I learned about abusive and tricky, dishonest people:
When you've finally gotten rid of a bad person, an abuser, a con artist, a mooch...that person often tries to hook you back into the relationship.
After the break up, or after you've finally had enough and kicked the person out of your home and your life, you get one more communication from him/her. It usually comes right about the time you've started to calm down and re-start your life. That is because this person knows you well enough to know exactly how long it takes you to calm down, hours, or days, weeks, months. That's when you get the phone call or text message or email.
Give or take a few variations, it goes like this:
"Zelda, this is Humphrey. I am leaving town on Friday. I got a new job and I'm moving to Texas [or New York or Saudi Arabia or Zanzibar]. I just wanted a chance say goodbye to you. I didn't want to leave things the way they were. Could we meet just for a few minutes? Just so I can apologize to you in person before I go. It won"t take long. And then you'll never have to see me again."
If this person has given you a hard time, this is often an invitation that's hard to refuse. It provides the satisfaction of hearing an apology which may sound soothing if this person has truly behaved badly. And then There's the absolute relief that this person who has hurt you, drained your energy (and maybe your bank account) is, finally, [i]going away.[/i] For good! You will never have to deal with him/her again! Whew!
Now...can you be so mean spirited that you would refuse one last meeting? Don't we all need closure in situations like that? After all, it's only for a few minutes, you'll get to hear a heartfelt apology and then you'll never even have to see him/her again?
DON'T FALL FOR IT.
What typically happens if you agree to this is that you meet and because this person is being so nice, so sincerely apologetic, and because you are sure you are never going to see this person again, you relax and let your guard down. After a relaxed, comfortable time, you give him or her a big hug and wish him/her well on that new job. Perhaps a kiss happens because it's goodbye forever. (Sometimes even more happens, especially if alcohol is involved). Then, it's a big sentimental goodbye forever.
Only...it never is. They come back
That is because con artists and abusers know it always takes a lot less time and effort to reel back a victim than to head out into new territory to find and lure and train a new one.
So...some time goes by. (He or she knows you so it's just the right amount of time). Then...well, that job in Texas (or whatever excuse was used for the departure) just didn't work out. And he or she is back.
And now you and this person are back on good terms, right? You don't feel right about being unfriendly because the last time you met you accepted the apology and parted on good terms.
You are all set up for Part 2 of the nightmare. They've got you back.
Of course, you can decide to tell them goodbye and good luck and [i]do not ever get in touch with me again.[/i] You could do that. And, if you're smart, that is what you must do. If it's on the phone, do not curse and yell because they'll try you again when you calm down. Use a clear calm firm tone of voice. Keep the conversation short. Tell them you do not ever want to hear from them again. If you think it necessary, let them know you will consider them a stalker and call the police if they try to contact you ever again. Say a clear calm goodbye and hang up. Do not take any more calls or messages. Get the SOB out of your life for good.
(Since I'm old now, I thought I'd share some of these lessons).
Here is something I learned about abusive and tricky, dishonest people:
When you've finally gotten rid of a bad person, an abuser, a con artist, a mooch...that person often tries to hook you back into the relationship.
After the break up, or after you've finally had enough and kicked the person out of your home and your life, you get one more communication from him/her. It usually comes right about the time you've started to calm down and re-start your life. That is because this person knows you well enough to know exactly how long it takes you to calm down, hours, or days, weeks, months. That's when you get the phone call or text message or email.
Give or take a few variations, it goes like this:
"Zelda, this is Humphrey. I am leaving town on Friday. I got a new job and I'm moving to Texas [or New York or Saudi Arabia or Zanzibar]. I just wanted a chance say goodbye to you. I didn't want to leave things the way they were. Could we meet just for a few minutes? Just so I can apologize to you in person before I go. It won"t take long. And then you'll never have to see me again."
If this person has given you a hard time, this is often an invitation that's hard to refuse. It provides the satisfaction of hearing an apology which may sound soothing if this person has truly behaved badly. And then There's the absolute relief that this person who has hurt you, drained your energy (and maybe your bank account) is, finally, [i]going away.[/i] For good! You will never have to deal with him/her again! Whew!
Now...can you be so mean spirited that you would refuse one last meeting? Don't we all need closure in situations like that? After all, it's only for a few minutes, you'll get to hear a heartfelt apology and then you'll never even have to see him/her again?
DON'T FALL FOR IT.
What typically happens if you agree to this is that you meet and because this person is being so nice, so sincerely apologetic, and because you are sure you are never going to see this person again, you relax and let your guard down. After a relaxed, comfortable time, you give him or her a big hug and wish him/her well on that new job. Perhaps a kiss happens because it's goodbye forever. (Sometimes even more happens, especially if alcohol is involved). Then, it's a big sentimental goodbye forever.
Only...it never is. They come back
That is because con artists and abusers know it always takes a lot less time and effort to reel back a victim than to head out into new territory to find and lure and train a new one.
So...some time goes by. (He or she knows you so it's just the right amount of time). Then...well, that job in Texas (or whatever excuse was used for the departure) just didn't work out. And he or she is back.
And now you and this person are back on good terms, right? You don't feel right about being unfriendly because the last time you met you accepted the apology and parted on good terms.
You are all set up for Part 2 of the nightmare. They've got you back.
Of course, you can decide to tell them goodbye and good luck and [i]do not ever get in touch with me again.[/i] You could do that. And, if you're smart, that is what you must do. If it's on the phone, do not curse and yell because they'll try you again when you calm down. Use a clear calm firm tone of voice. Keep the conversation short. Tell them you do not ever want to hear from them again. If you think it necessary, let them know you will consider them a stalker and call the police if they try to contact you ever again. Say a clear calm goodbye and hang up. Do not take any more calls or messages. Get the SOB out of your life for good.
70-79, F
