I wrote this post for no one.
I suppose I could be bitter, but I’m not.
Truth is, I probably hurt more people’s feelings than ever hurt mine.
But I’m not responsible for the way other people feel any more than other people are responsible for my feelings.
We all do the things we do according to our own conception of this world and only our conscious mind and subconscious beliefs can we use as guides.
I’ve gotten myself to a point of reference where I can just look at everything and everyone and tell myself that each of us are just doing the best we can in the moment with every skill we’ve acquired over the course of our lives.
Here I am, about to turn 56 years old with possibly 80% of my livable life behind me. A dead son. A failed marriage. A recent breakup. Multiple breakdowns. A hundred traumas buried in my past. A dozen or so traumas healed and overcome.
Funny how I can’t seem to muster up the grace to forgive myself in the same way I forgive others. How I can’t find it inside myself to believe that I did the best I could with the skills I had at any given moment. But, I’m positive that the rest of you have. So take solace in that thought no matter where you are in life. Also take solace in the fact that nothing is ever truly forever. If you’re in a bad way…, it’s gonna change. If you’re having a good time…, that too is gonna have its downturn.
The only thing you can truly count on this world are two-fold.
Yourself, and the constant of change.
That’s it.
Anyways, here I am about to turn 56 with an estimated 80% of my life behind me. I learned over the course of that time that when it comes to romance, I’m simply toxic. Even though all I ever really wanted out of life was a love that lasted forever…, someone who I could love that would always love me…, I find myself without either.
I find myself in the midst of the realization that it’s unfair of me to try and love anyone, or to allow anyone to love me in a romantic way.
Because all I’m truly capable of is hurting people, their feelings, and leaving them worse off than when I found them.
So now I step forward into my new found reality. One that exists inside a world of gray. Where the romance inside of me is just dead and buried. A world where I can smile but that smile won’t ever touch my eyes. A world where my love shall be funneled to my grandsons and my daughter.
My hope for myself and a better tomorrow no longer exists. My hope for my grandsons remains undying. My hope for my daughter depends on her ability to hope and I do my best to show her ways that she can hope for better tomorrow’s.
I have no dreams that live and no wishes that flourish, and my ongoing arguments with God reign, and rain down upon me. He and I hold fundamental disagreements in the way he manages his legacy.
I am the discarded and broken truth of all I’ve ever been. In the here and now I find myself useful to only a handful, respected by almost no one, and the only unconditional love I receive and am able to reciprocate comes from 3 tiny faces. It’s within their eyes alone that I find any actual will to remain here among the living dead that is today’s society.
So there inside my living eye
After all the tears I cry
With no more ever asking why
And no more asking to just die
I continue
To be the man I’ve always been
The long lost lover
And long lost friend
Never breaking as I bend
Only bone and sinew
And when God finally calls me home
I hope I go there alone
And my middle fingers shall be shown
Just another worthless refuge
~ The Snowdog
[media=https://youtu.be/Tw_MzenlmJU]
Bye,
Rob
Truth is, I probably hurt more people’s feelings than ever hurt mine.
But I’m not responsible for the way other people feel any more than other people are responsible for my feelings.
We all do the things we do according to our own conception of this world and only our conscious mind and subconscious beliefs can we use as guides.
I’ve gotten myself to a point of reference where I can just look at everything and everyone and tell myself that each of us are just doing the best we can in the moment with every skill we’ve acquired over the course of our lives.
Here I am, about to turn 56 years old with possibly 80% of my livable life behind me. A dead son. A failed marriage. A recent breakup. Multiple breakdowns. A hundred traumas buried in my past. A dozen or so traumas healed and overcome.
Funny how I can’t seem to muster up the grace to forgive myself in the same way I forgive others. How I can’t find it inside myself to believe that I did the best I could with the skills I had at any given moment. But, I’m positive that the rest of you have. So take solace in that thought no matter where you are in life. Also take solace in the fact that nothing is ever truly forever. If you’re in a bad way…, it’s gonna change. If you’re having a good time…, that too is gonna have its downturn.
The only thing you can truly count on this world are two-fold.
Yourself, and the constant of change.
That’s it.
Anyways, here I am about to turn 56 with an estimated 80% of my life behind me. I learned over the course of that time that when it comes to romance, I’m simply toxic. Even though all I ever really wanted out of life was a love that lasted forever…, someone who I could love that would always love me…, I find myself without either.
I find myself in the midst of the realization that it’s unfair of me to try and love anyone, or to allow anyone to love me in a romantic way.
Because all I’m truly capable of is hurting people, their feelings, and leaving them worse off than when I found them.
So now I step forward into my new found reality. One that exists inside a world of gray. Where the romance inside of me is just dead and buried. A world where I can smile but that smile won’t ever touch my eyes. A world where my love shall be funneled to my grandsons and my daughter.
My hope for myself and a better tomorrow no longer exists. My hope for my grandsons remains undying. My hope for my daughter depends on her ability to hope and I do my best to show her ways that she can hope for better tomorrow’s.
I have no dreams that live and no wishes that flourish, and my ongoing arguments with God reign, and rain down upon me. He and I hold fundamental disagreements in the way he manages his legacy.
I am the discarded and broken truth of all I’ve ever been. In the here and now I find myself useful to only a handful, respected by almost no one, and the only unconditional love I receive and am able to reciprocate comes from 3 tiny faces. It’s within their eyes alone that I find any actual will to remain here among the living dead that is today’s society.
So there inside my living eye
After all the tears I cry
With no more ever asking why
And no more asking to just die
I continue
To be the man I’ve always been
The long lost lover
And long lost friend
Never breaking as I bend
Only bone and sinew
And when God finally calls me home
I hope I go there alone
And my middle fingers shall be shown
Just another worthless refuge
~ The Snowdog
[media=https://youtu.be/Tw_MzenlmJU]
Bye,
Rob
