I Feel Lost And Alone

I'm​ happy that I'm becoming more like the girl I always dreamed of being in my teenage years, but sometimes I would feel this way.. I would think about how some people that promised to be there just left. And my family doesn't fully understand me, especially after my dad left. So sometimes I would even do 'bad things' with a guy to feel better, and I don't know if it messes with someone's head to make them wanta stay with the one they done that with, cause some end up stop texting me which makes me wonder if I'm just not whatever enough.. Even how in highschool there were kids that picked on me cause they thought I was some homosexual, so I would ditch class cause I just wanted to be seen as a girl, and security guards that also picked on me convinced the principal to kick me out of school.. And I think about how some girls I idolize that makes me smile also all have similar cheerful, friendly, and wild yet can be seen as weird personalities.. But the difference they have that I don't seem to have is someone who is always there, who's always a best friend that always supports you, and wants you to be happy. And and I would feel nervous around crowds cause I would hear tiny voices talking about me.. You know, I feel so confused sometimes, like how do I know where to go? What to do?