I Feel Alone
I thought this would be worse. MUCH worse. Perhaps it just hasn't sunken in yet - I'm not dying, but I'm also not living. I figured it would be like one of those nightmarish exotic diseases that completely disintegrates your insides and leaves you as a pulsating, comatose mass lying on whatever surface you plopped yourself down on to be crushed under the weight of despair. No, there is none of that. No shaking. No loss of appetite. Not even tears. Just total, utter loneliness...
Perhaps I am far too comfortable with the feeling. Perhaps I have simply embraced it. Perhaps I have prepared myself for this over the course of the past year and a half or so, envisioning and re-envisioning every conceivable scenario involving us. Letting not only the frames of each one flicker in my mind, but also allowing the feeling of each one to ebb and flow - tidal cycles lapping at the shores of my heart. Breakers beating upon the walls of my soul. Gales rushing through my ears, carrying the answers to everything I want to or need to ask, but unable to tell me the only thing I need to know: will I ever hear from you again?
How unbelievably complicated is this for you? We've been through everything, all of this, together, but sometimes it feels so alien to me that I'm convinced that the powers that made these events happen can't be of this universe - the laws of physics simply wouldn't allow anything as convoluted as this to occur...
...although, it is my fault. As much as you won't admit it, it is 100% my fault. Am I, then, not of this universe? Is this the reason I cannot keep a friend for more than a few pathetic years? I thought I would finally be able to break that curse because our connection was so strong - a star tugging on its planet. Alas, even orbits must decay - rapidly failing gravities whose strings become so frayed and tenuous that the slightest shift in momentum or position causes them to fail spectacularly. The bodies are hurled into the inky backdrop of space, into a curtain with thousands of pinholes in it. Each pinhole an opportunity, a potential answer, a potential new orbit, or maybe just a moment of understanding, a moment of clarity, sanity, escape. So much reminds me of you, of that gravitational attraction, that I either need to play the odds and start exploring pinholes or float through the void of time that lies between you and... hopefully you again.
I have never felt more connected, more comfortable, with another human being in my entire life than I did with you. I have had unbelievably strong connections with others in the past. Connections that made me so happy it hurt. Connections with someone I was convinced I would marry. But us? We had something that transcended words and possibly even the capabilities of the human mind at this stage in our evolution. It was an experience. It was a sensation. It was undeniably beautiful, and that was just as friends. If we were more...
...I am no longer alive. At the moment, I am just existing.
Perhaps I am far too comfortable with the feeling. Perhaps I have simply embraced it. Perhaps I have prepared myself for this over the course of the past year and a half or so, envisioning and re-envisioning every conceivable scenario involving us. Letting not only the frames of each one flicker in my mind, but also allowing the feeling of each one to ebb and flow - tidal cycles lapping at the shores of my heart. Breakers beating upon the walls of my soul. Gales rushing through my ears, carrying the answers to everything I want to or need to ask, but unable to tell me the only thing I need to know: will I ever hear from you again?
How unbelievably complicated is this for you? We've been through everything, all of this, together, but sometimes it feels so alien to me that I'm convinced that the powers that made these events happen can't be of this universe - the laws of physics simply wouldn't allow anything as convoluted as this to occur...
...although, it is my fault. As much as you won't admit it, it is 100% my fault. Am I, then, not of this universe? Is this the reason I cannot keep a friend for more than a few pathetic years? I thought I would finally be able to break that curse because our connection was so strong - a star tugging on its planet. Alas, even orbits must decay - rapidly failing gravities whose strings become so frayed and tenuous that the slightest shift in momentum or position causes them to fail spectacularly. The bodies are hurled into the inky backdrop of space, into a curtain with thousands of pinholes in it. Each pinhole an opportunity, a potential answer, a potential new orbit, or maybe just a moment of understanding, a moment of clarity, sanity, escape. So much reminds me of you, of that gravitational attraction, that I either need to play the odds and start exploring pinholes or float through the void of time that lies between you and... hopefully you again.
I have never felt more connected, more comfortable, with another human being in my entire life than I did with you. I have had unbelievably strong connections with others in the past. Connections that made me so happy it hurt. Connections with someone I was convinced I would marry. But us? We had something that transcended words and possibly even the capabilities of the human mind at this stage in our evolution. It was an experience. It was a sensation. It was undeniably beautiful, and that was just as friends. If we were more...
...I am no longer alive. At the moment, I am just existing.
