Why do I keep pushing away the person I want most

It was me who ended our engagement nearly 2 weeks ago because in the heat of the moment I often say things I regret later. I didn’t mean to hurt him I tell him this every day and he told me it’s ok and he understands I was just upset. But I feel like it’s not ok . I feel like he’s just saying that to be nice and really he has every reason to hate me. I hate myself. The kids hate me. I’m kind of a horrible person. I’ve been lying a lot to yall on SW and making it seem like I’m the victim when really I’m a horrible person. I think I deserve to be alone for the rest of my life until I can learn that my words hurt and that people don’t have to put up with my crap and keep giving me second chances over and over and over again. I’m sorry I lied.