Tonight, I'm going to share something with you, that I never have before. Something deep inside.
Tonight I feel something I have not felt in so many years.
Relief.
Not just a little relief, but the kind that reaches all the way down into the deepest part of a person. The kind that makes your whole body finally say, “Ahhhhh… now I can breathe again.”
I cried today harder than I have cried in a very long time, but they were not hopeless tears. They were tears of release. Tears that came from carrying too much, for too long, and finally feeling safe enough to let go.
I realize now that I have been bracing myself for years. Since 2005. I have lived without real companionship, without comfort, without someone physically beside me to help carry life's loads. No arms around me. No hand to hold. No hug. No kiss on the cheek. No one's hand to hold. No person nearby to say, “I’m here.”
I survived it by pushing the loneliness down so deeply that I tried to convince myself it did not hurt anymore. But it did hurt. It always hurt. I simply became used to surviving around pain and abuse I suffered for years, that my heart was not ready to neither face or deal with.
I've always been a very strong person. One that has never given up nor given in but a true person dedicated to survival because I think each day is too precious to waste. Only I've never had anyone to come alongside me for the journey, but today something inside of me changed.
For the first time in so many years, I felt safe enough to breathe. I finally had help. Her name is Nadia and she is my new housekeeper. I've always loved a clean home but now I needed help.
My home is clean and peaceful tonight. I can hardly believe how beautiful it looks. The floors are clean, the bathroom is shining, the kitchen is clean, the living room feels peaceful again, and my bedroom feels restful.
After living under stressful circumstances by myself for so many years, things like having a deeply clean and peaceful home, affects the soul. It is not just about cleanliness. It is about peace. It is about feeling cared for. It is about feeling like life is manageable again, as no soul on this Earth could really understand how much trauma and stress I've been under for all these years since my husband died in 2005.
And I'm sorry to say this, but I didn't miss him when he passed. I've never cried over his death because that's how bad he hurt me and how stressful he made my life because he was so abusive to me for 34 years. I'm sorry to say it was a relief to be freed from this monster; being manipulated and controlled every single day for 34 years. I've never been able to shed a tear about it and that's why. I didn't know him. He was never a friend to me one time. But certainly not happy that he died, cuz I never wanted him to die at all.
I just wanted release and relief, and one day I told the Lord I just can't take no more. I'm going to leave home and I heard God's voice speak to me in my mind, after all those years,
I didn't want to hurt anybody and especially didn't want anyone to die because of me, so I just was giving the Lord a heads up as to my plans, that I was going to leave home cuz I couldn't take no more even if I had to live with no money and on the street. And the Lord said "no... you've suffered enough. You won't have to leave, because your husband is not going to live very much longer." And I said, "no Lord, don't take him, just give me relief. I'll just go and I know you'll take care of me." And He told me it was Robert's time anyway, and had nothing to do with me leaving, and then He told me when He was going to take him, and exactly how it would happen and when...and it happened exactly as He had told me.
That day came in the wee hours of the morning, around 2:00 AM as my husband left for work like he always did each morning, so he could see his mistresses before he started his day at the office, and the Lord said to me...this is the day."
So I didn't get undressed and go to bed, as I knew what the Lord said was true. I knew the police would be at my door any minute, to tell me Robert had been in a car wreck. I watched Robert from the front door window, turn the curb and drive down the road for what I knew was the last time I'd ever see him drive down tha road again in his little blue Honda Civic...and I felt sad for him. Then I went into my bedroom and just sat on the side of my bed, fully dressed, ready to meet the cop when he came to my door with the news.
Not 10 minutes later, the cop came to my door just as the Lord had told me he would, and his face was white as a sheet. I answered the door, as I knew who it was and what he was there for. And when I went to the door, there was the cop, his face white as a sheet, because he witnessed the car crash, just as the Lord had told me how he would die.
I was very calm. The first thing I said before the cop could even say one word, was, "What took you so long? Is he dead?"
I didn't say that because I wanted Robert to die, Lord knows, but because I so needed in my heart, after 34 years of abuse and even time taken away from me to enjoy my kids, to know that he couldn't hurt me anymore. If Robert had stayed, I would have ended up in prison, cuz he was trying to force me do illegal things, and I refused. And the Lord had enough of him abusing me.
The cop replied just as the Lord had told me it would happen; that Robert would be hit by a drunk driver, and that's exactly what the cop said; that he was only a few miles down the road before he was hit by a drunk driver, and it flipped his car three times and threw him free from the car when it did, and they had to Life-flight him, even though he was dead on the scene, as the paramedics had brought him back somehow and then had ordered him flown by helicopter to St Louis, Missouri, a long way, about 85 miles from me to St Louis University Hospital, where they worked on him in surgery for 8 hours and brought him back to life, as he had died again on the way to the hospital.
But I had told the Lord to please don't take his life. Please let Robert come to know You as his Savior before he dies, and I had prayed that for all the years we had been married, and I believe that's the only reason God brought him back to life... To keep His promise to me.
After all the ambulances and cops cleared the area from the accident, (and by the way... when I asked the cop if he was dead, he lied to me and said he didn't know if he did, but I saw it on his face, and he even said he witnessed the accident, turned around and he was the only one on the road, and went back to the scene of the accident, so he knew Robert was dead, but he didn't want to say. So that's why he just said well they've life flighted him.
He looked way too in shock, to talk about it. I think that was another factor as to why he was so quiet.
When I finally went down there, the car was just in crumbled, hardly recognizable. I managed to reach inside the car and took his glasses and wallet, so I'd have something from him, even though he hurt me so bad. And when I saw him at the hospital when me and the kids could get up there that night, his entire body was swollen twice the size and he was bleeding from his ears and they had to split him open from the chest, down, as all his organs were so swollen. And he was blind. They had to even open up half his skull and just wrapped his head, but he was alive, and that was not by accident. God was keeping his promise to me. I knew he would or I would not have waited seated on the side of the bed until the cops came.
God was keeping a promise to me, I had asked him for many years ago. I told God please don't ever let him die until I can pray the sinner's prayer with him or he accepts Jesus as his Savior before he dies, and that's what He did. There was no way that man should have been alive. Even the doctor's and nurses said so.
He had cheated on me every single week except weekends, since we had been married. When I went to the hospital, one of his many mistresses was there. Veda was her name. I had been praying for her too. She had had cancer and I told her I'd pray for her and she got over it, because she had a lot of people praying for her.
So when I got to the hospital, Veda was already there by his side. And she said to me, "Look here... Every time I touch his hand, he pulls it away.
PART 2 CONTINUED IN ANOTHER POST, AS I HAD NO ROOM TO FINISH HERE, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED.
Relief.
Not just a little relief, but the kind that reaches all the way down into the deepest part of a person. The kind that makes your whole body finally say, “Ahhhhh… now I can breathe again.”
I cried today harder than I have cried in a very long time, but they were not hopeless tears. They were tears of release. Tears that came from carrying too much, for too long, and finally feeling safe enough to let go.
I realize now that I have been bracing myself for years. Since 2005. I have lived without real companionship, without comfort, without someone physically beside me to help carry life's loads. No arms around me. No hand to hold. No hug. No kiss on the cheek. No one's hand to hold. No person nearby to say, “I’m here.”
I survived it by pushing the loneliness down so deeply that I tried to convince myself it did not hurt anymore. But it did hurt. It always hurt. I simply became used to surviving around pain and abuse I suffered for years, that my heart was not ready to neither face or deal with.
I've always been a very strong person. One that has never given up nor given in but a true person dedicated to survival because I think each day is too precious to waste. Only I've never had anyone to come alongside me for the journey, but today something inside of me changed.
For the first time in so many years, I felt safe enough to breathe. I finally had help. Her name is Nadia and she is my new housekeeper. I've always loved a clean home but now I needed help.
My home is clean and peaceful tonight. I can hardly believe how beautiful it looks. The floors are clean, the bathroom is shining, the kitchen is clean, the living room feels peaceful again, and my bedroom feels restful.
After living under stressful circumstances by myself for so many years, things like having a deeply clean and peaceful home, affects the soul. It is not just about cleanliness. It is about peace. It is about feeling cared for. It is about feeling like life is manageable again, as no soul on this Earth could really understand how much trauma and stress I've been under for all these years since my husband died in 2005.
And I'm sorry to say this, but I didn't miss him when he passed. I've never cried over his death because that's how bad he hurt me and how stressful he made my life because he was so abusive to me for 34 years. I'm sorry to say it was a relief to be freed from this monster; being manipulated and controlled every single day for 34 years. I've never been able to shed a tear about it and that's why. I didn't know him. He was never a friend to me one time. But certainly not happy that he died, cuz I never wanted him to die at all.
I just wanted release and relief, and one day I told the Lord I just can't take no more. I'm going to leave home and I heard God's voice speak to me in my mind, after all those years,
every single day
just trying to survive emotionally under my abusive husband's grip... every single day, what a burden that was and how grieving it was and the Lord clearly said to me through my mind, "You don't need to leave." I didn't want to hurt anybody and especially didn't want anyone to die because of me, so I just was giving the Lord a heads up as to my plans, that I was going to leave home cuz I couldn't take no more even if I had to live with no money and on the street. And the Lord said "no... you've suffered enough. You won't have to leave, because your husband is not going to live very much longer." And I said, "no Lord, don't take him, just give me relief. I'll just go and I know you'll take care of me." And He told me it was Robert's time anyway, and had nothing to do with me leaving, and then He told me when He was going to take him, and exactly how it would happen and when...and it happened exactly as He had told me.
That day came in the wee hours of the morning, around 2:00 AM as my husband left for work like he always did each morning, so he could see his mistresses before he started his day at the office, and the Lord said to me...this is the day."
So I didn't get undressed and go to bed, as I knew what the Lord said was true. I knew the police would be at my door any minute, to tell me Robert had been in a car wreck. I watched Robert from the front door window, turn the curb and drive down the road for what I knew was the last time I'd ever see him drive down tha road again in his little blue Honda Civic...and I felt sad for him. Then I went into my bedroom and just sat on the side of my bed, fully dressed, ready to meet the cop when he came to my door with the news.
Not 10 minutes later, the cop came to my door just as the Lord had told me he would, and his face was white as a sheet. I answered the door, as I knew who it was and what he was there for. And when I went to the door, there was the cop, his face white as a sheet, because he witnessed the car crash, just as the Lord had told me how he would die.
I was very calm. The first thing I said before the cop could even say one word, was, "What took you so long? Is he dead?"
I didn't say that because I wanted Robert to die, Lord knows, but because I so needed in my heart, after 34 years of abuse and even time taken away from me to enjoy my kids, to know that he couldn't hurt me anymore. If Robert had stayed, I would have ended up in prison, cuz he was trying to force me do illegal things, and I refused. And the Lord had enough of him abusing me.
The cop replied just as the Lord had told me it would happen; that Robert would be hit by a drunk driver, and that's exactly what the cop said; that he was only a few miles down the road before he was hit by a drunk driver, and it flipped his car three times and threw him free from the car when it did, and they had to Life-flight him, even though he was dead on the scene, as the paramedics had brought him back somehow and then had ordered him flown by helicopter to St Louis, Missouri, a long way, about 85 miles from me to St Louis University Hospital, where they worked on him in surgery for 8 hours and brought him back to life, as he had died again on the way to the hospital.
But I had told the Lord to please don't take his life. Please let Robert come to know You as his Savior before he dies, and I had prayed that for all the years we had been married, and I believe that's the only reason God brought him back to life... To keep His promise to me.
After all the ambulances and cops cleared the area from the accident, (and by the way... when I asked the cop if he was dead, he lied to me and said he didn't know if he did, but I saw it on his face, and he even said he witnessed the accident, turned around and he was the only one on the road, and went back to the scene of the accident, so he knew Robert was dead, but he didn't want to say. So that's why he just said well they've life flighted him.
He looked way too in shock, to talk about it. I think that was another factor as to why he was so quiet.
When I finally went down there, the car was just in crumbled, hardly recognizable. I managed to reach inside the car and took his glasses and wallet, so I'd have something from him, even though he hurt me so bad. And when I saw him at the hospital when me and the kids could get up there that night, his entire body was swollen twice the size and he was bleeding from his ears and they had to split him open from the chest, down, as all his organs were so swollen. And he was blind. They had to even open up half his skull and just wrapped his head, but he was alive, and that was not by accident. God was keeping his promise to me. I knew he would or I would not have waited seated on the side of the bed until the cops came.
God was keeping a promise to me, I had asked him for many years ago. I told God please don't ever let him die until I can pray the sinner's prayer with him or he accepts Jesus as his Savior before he dies, and that's what He did. There was no way that man should have been alive. Even the doctor's and nurses said so.
He had cheated on me every single week except weekends, since we had been married. When I went to the hospital, one of his many mistresses was there. Veda was her name. I had been praying for her too. She had had cancer and I told her I'd pray for her and she got over it, because she had a lot of people praying for her.
So when I got to the hospital, Veda was already there by his side. And she said to me, "Look here... Every time I touch his hand, he pulls it away.
PART 2 CONTINUED IN ANOTHER POST, AS I HAD NO ROOM TO FINISH HERE, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED.
