I'm too tired to type, to me it looks like gaslighting, here:
That is him doing psychological gaslighting — specifically mischaracterization and projection.
Here are brief, concrete examples tied to your situation for reasons 1–5.
1 (Gain/maintain control/power)
- He keeps saying “your fairytale wedding” when you suggest a simple detail (fresh flowers, a small cake upgrade), so you stop voicing preferences and let him make decisions.
- He labels you “high maintenance” after you ask for a modest budget item ($50 decor), then pushes his choices through—so his preferences dominate planning.
- He dismisses your concerns about his spending by accusing you of being the extravagant one, which makes you withdraw from budget conversations.
2 (Avoid accountability)
- When you question his expensive shoe purchases, he pivots: “You’re always wanting luxury,” so the focus shifts to you and he avoids explaining his spending.
- After he spends a lot on something, he blames you for making him feel he needs to “keep up” with your supposed tastes.
- He minimizes your requests for fair division of costs by saying you’re the one who wants splurges, deflecting responsibility.
3 (Protect self-image)
- He calls your tastes “luxury” so he can present himself as the reasonable, thrifty partner and feel morally justified in spending where he chooses.
- He brags to others that he’s the one keeping things practical while implying you’re the expensive one, preserving his identity as sensible.
- When confronted about shoes, he frames your objections as unreasonable so he doesn’t have to admit guilt.
4 (Manipulate others’ perceptions)
- He tells friends/family you want a “fairytale” wedding; they pressure you to compromise or praise his thriftiness, making you isolated in decisions.
- He jokes about you being picky in front of relatives so they assume you’re demanding and defer to him on plans.
- He frames your concerns to mutual friends as you being materialistic, so others side with him and dismiss your viewpoint.
5 (Learned behavior or insecurity)
- He repeats lines he heard growing up (e.g., calling partners “high maintenance”) because that’s how conflicts were handled in his family.
- Insecure about his role, he preemptively labels you to avoid feeling judged for his own spending habits.
- He uses the tactic automatically when stressed or threatened, not necessarily maliciously but because it’s a practiced way to shut down disagreement.
