Sharing this story is quite emotional for me
As it was the most terrifying and traumatic time of my life. I am still baffled by what "Covid 19 pneumonia" or whatever it was did to my mind back in 2020.
So, I started out simply with a high fever, body aches, a sore throat and the other typical flu symptoms. I went to an urgent care and got the nose swab PCR test and came back "positive" for "Covid 19". It was after that nose swab that I began having breathing problems. I realized it one day when I couldn't even walk without falling to the ground in an asthma attack. I had to walk extremely slow just to get anywhere. This is when it started getting really bad.
I believe one of the first nights at home I started realizing something was wrong with my mind was when I heard my wife on the phone and for some reason, certain things she would say triggered in me the thought that I wasn't actually alive; either dead or in a dream. And when she would say certain things I would run over to her asking "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!". This is when a plunge into what appeared to be paranoid schizophrenia, derealization, dissociation happened, but I am not exactly sure what it was. I also felt very dizzy and out of it throughout most of this.
I was in and out of multiple hospitals that wouldn't keep me for long and I eventually went to a hospital for 9 days and was on oxygen the whole time. During my hospital stays I still did not know if I was dead or alive, in a dream or waking life. There were times I saw the monitor flatline. During this time period I usually couldn't sleep for longer than an hour at a time. I was so relieved to be released from the hospital and I was escorted out on a wheelchair and once I got home I burst into tears crying "Abba, father". What's interesting is I never said that before and don't remember reading the Bible verses on that.
Here are those verses:
Romans 8:14-16 - "For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God.
15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby WE CRY, ABBA, FATHER
16 The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:"
Galatians 4:6 - "And because ye are sons, God hath sent forth the Spirit of his Son into your hearts, CRYING, ABBA, FATHER."
It's amazing that not only have I never said Abba, father before this moment but the first time I said it, I cried saying it.
I already knew that the Bible was God's perfect, preserved and divinely inspired word, but man, that moment manifested that fact to me in a living experience. It was awe-inspiring and so special to me. Those verses are very emotional to me.
On another night I actually saw through my bed right to the floor. At least I thought that I did. I was convinced I was seeing through the bed. And I was laughing about it. That was about the only time humour kicked in. Went back to darkness pretty fast. I have never attempted to take my life before, but the night that was the peak of my illness became so intense and unbearable that I ended up holding a knife to the wall and running into it, which ended up leaving a scar on my chest, and this was the night that I literally thought I was in a permanent psychedelic trip/nightmare that would go on forever. The cops were called and I was handcuffed by them because of the suicide attempt. The strangest thing happened to me after this. When they cuffed me and escorted me to the ambulance, once I entered that ambulance it felt like I entered into a wormhole, a portal, an event horizon or something. I was somehow convinced that I entered into eternity. They strapped me down and I started fighting to get out of the straps. The guy was cursing me out and yelling at me. There were bruises all over my arm after. Then they brought me into the hospital and strapped me down to the bed. When the nurses came into the room I actually thought they were devils. I even looked over and sincerely asked them if they were devils. I had my Bible next to me in the room and what's amazing is that while i was so out of my mind and in a suicidal state and even handcuffed I still managed to take my Bible with me. I was begging one of the staff that came in the room to put my Bible on me and open it so I can read any verse. I couldn't do it myself since I was completely strapped down. A little bit later it became so intense that I started screaming at the top of my lungs. I mean wailing and people on the outside were looking into my room. At one point some guy walked by the room very slowly and looked over and looked emotionally neutral and he had a cross on his forehead. I still don't know if he was actually there or not. Don't know if he was real or not. I was screaming the name of Jesus Christ for help. I started calming down and eventually someone came in and unstrapped me. That night was the most intense night of my life.
Eventually my last hospital stay I was sent home on oxygen and gradually got better. This whole period lasted roughly 2 and a half months (so there's a lot more details in the story) and then I recovered fully. Thank God.
Me describing that time period does not do it justice in conveying the torture and agony I went through. I couldn't walk much without falling to the ground in an asthma attack, so I was essentially paralyzed. That gasping for breath accompanied by psychological aberrations is just unfathomable and for 2 and a half months straight! Losing mental and physical faculties at the same time is just horrifying and inexplicable.
I'm honestly grateful I went through that and that I made it through. It humbled me and got me much closer to God. I don't cry a lot. It is extremely rare that I cry, but writing all of this out brought tears to my eyes and those Abba, father verses bring me to tears.
It was so intensely traumatic that every problem I've ever had before that period seemed like a little cut from a bicycle accident. Definitely put things into perspective.
I was gasping for breath that entire duration, so I couldn't talk much or for long. In the hospital I was writing pages and pages of love letters to God. All glory, honour and praise to The Lord Jesus Christ.
So, I started out simply with a high fever, body aches, a sore throat and the other typical flu symptoms. I went to an urgent care and got the nose swab PCR test and came back "positive" for "Covid 19". It was after that nose swab that I began having breathing problems. I realized it one day when I couldn't even walk without falling to the ground in an asthma attack. I had to walk extremely slow just to get anywhere. This is when it started getting really bad.
I believe one of the first nights at home I started realizing something was wrong with my mind was when I heard my wife on the phone and for some reason, certain things she would say triggered in me the thought that I wasn't actually alive; either dead or in a dream. And when she would say certain things I would run over to her asking "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!". This is when a plunge into what appeared to be paranoid schizophrenia, derealization, dissociation happened, but I am not exactly sure what it was. I also felt very dizzy and out of it throughout most of this.
I was in and out of multiple hospitals that wouldn't keep me for long and I eventually went to a hospital for 9 days and was on oxygen the whole time. During my hospital stays I still did not know if I was dead or alive, in a dream or waking life. There were times I saw the monitor flatline. During this time period I usually couldn't sleep for longer than an hour at a time. I was so relieved to be released from the hospital and I was escorted out on a wheelchair and once I got home I burst into tears crying "Abba, father". What's interesting is I never said that before and don't remember reading the Bible verses on that.
Here are those verses:
Romans 8:14-16 - "For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God.
15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby WE CRY, ABBA, FATHER
16 The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:"
Galatians 4:6 - "And because ye are sons, God hath sent forth the Spirit of his Son into your hearts, CRYING, ABBA, FATHER."
It's amazing that not only have I never said Abba, father before this moment but the first time I said it, I cried saying it.
I already knew that the Bible was God's perfect, preserved and divinely inspired word, but man, that moment manifested that fact to me in a living experience. It was awe-inspiring and so special to me. Those verses are very emotional to me.
On another night I actually saw through my bed right to the floor. At least I thought that I did. I was convinced I was seeing through the bed. And I was laughing about it. That was about the only time humour kicked in. Went back to darkness pretty fast. I have never attempted to take my life before, but the night that was the peak of my illness became so intense and unbearable that I ended up holding a knife to the wall and running into it, which ended up leaving a scar on my chest, and this was the night that I literally thought I was in a permanent psychedelic trip/nightmare that would go on forever. The cops were called and I was handcuffed by them because of the suicide attempt. The strangest thing happened to me after this. When they cuffed me and escorted me to the ambulance, once I entered that ambulance it felt like I entered into a wormhole, a portal, an event horizon or something. I was somehow convinced that I entered into eternity. They strapped me down and I started fighting to get out of the straps. The guy was cursing me out and yelling at me. There were bruises all over my arm after. Then they brought me into the hospital and strapped me down to the bed. When the nurses came into the room I actually thought they were devils. I even looked over and sincerely asked them if they were devils. I had my Bible next to me in the room and what's amazing is that while i was so out of my mind and in a suicidal state and even handcuffed I still managed to take my Bible with me. I was begging one of the staff that came in the room to put my Bible on me and open it so I can read any verse. I couldn't do it myself since I was completely strapped down. A little bit later it became so intense that I started screaming at the top of my lungs. I mean wailing and people on the outside were looking into my room. At one point some guy walked by the room very slowly and looked over and looked emotionally neutral and he had a cross on his forehead. I still don't know if he was actually there or not. Don't know if he was real or not. I was screaming the name of Jesus Christ for help. I started calming down and eventually someone came in and unstrapped me. That night was the most intense night of my life.
Eventually my last hospital stay I was sent home on oxygen and gradually got better. This whole period lasted roughly 2 and a half months (so there's a lot more details in the story) and then I recovered fully. Thank God.
Me describing that time period does not do it justice in conveying the torture and agony I went through. I couldn't walk much without falling to the ground in an asthma attack, so I was essentially paralyzed. That gasping for breath accompanied by psychological aberrations is just unfathomable and for 2 and a half months straight! Losing mental and physical faculties at the same time is just horrifying and inexplicable.
I'm honestly grateful I went through that and that I made it through. It humbled me and got me much closer to God. I don't cry a lot. It is extremely rare that I cry, but writing all of this out brought tears to my eyes and those Abba, father verses bring me to tears.
It was so intensely traumatic that every problem I've ever had before that period seemed like a little cut from a bicycle accident. Definitely put things into perspective.
I was gasping for breath that entire duration, so I couldn't talk much or for long. In the hospital I was writing pages and pages of love letters to God. All glory, honour and praise to The Lord Jesus Christ.
31-35, MNew
