I hate calling him my boyfriend, it sounds so juvenile

All the girls I went to high school with aren’t in my situation and are already wives now. I’m not trying to rush into marriage but I do get jealous once in a while and sad. We’ve been off and on for almost a year now but before that we were together for over a year. So in essence we’ve been fuking with each other for 2 years now. I can’t talk to him about this because i don’t want to pressure him. I’m writing this just to get my thoughts out and I’m wondering when if it will happen or if it even will. Just wish somebody would tell me my future, just wish I knew what he has in mind and what he’s been waiting on.

I won’t lie, y’all know that our relationship hasn’t been perfect in the last 12 months so maybe that has something to do with it. When it felt like I hated him and he hated me. Sh!t was getting real between us. Nothing bad but every other day we would fuss at each other. Not in front of the kids but I would catch him rolling his eyes when I as trying to parent and it’d tick me the fuk off!! I wanted to scream at him but the kids were around so a lot of our fighting had to happen in our bedroom or through texts. We would bottle up our anger and at night when the kids went to sleep we would take it out on each other and then have the make up sex. It was so toxic. Btw, we wasn’t ever physically abusive to each other. I think I should make that clear because some of y’all probably been wondering since stuff like this does happen in relationships. He never hit me and I’ve never hit him but we have said things to each other just to hurt each other. And I wouldn’t call that an abusive relationship because it wasn’t just one person doing it. we were BOTH doing it to each other so the relationship was toxic and not abusive. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE!!!