I Think I Might Have Had The Worst Christmas Ever, And It's All My Fault ?
I might've ruined Christmas for my family today, it started out it the morning. My dad came in to wake me up and I already was kinda awake, so he sat on the side of my bed and started texting wishes to people. He was sitting on my blanket and I couldn't move it so I was stuck underneath. After a while I got a little annoyed and when he finally got off, I glared at him. He said " I don't want to have an unhappy Christmas " and he walked off.
Then it all went downhill from there. I don't exactly like spending time with my extended family because they make me feel like crap. So I was grumpy all the way to the house and when we ate I was super quiet and my face might not have shown it, but I was on the verge of crying, I only have one cousin on my paternal side and he's 3 years younger than me. I haven't seen them for months now and suddenly he grew so much. He's like less than a head shorter than me and I was so used to being a whole head taller. He was wearing like this pendant necklace and it was super cool, he had actually hand crafted that necklace and wow, it looked really good. Then throughout lunch my aunt kept calling my other aunt " model mom ", she repeatedly brought it up and I was offended because she never said it to my mom. Then to add salt into the wounds, she brought up my acne problem and complimented my cousins saying " You'll grow up into a tall handsome man ". I wanted to shrink down but thankfully my family serves wine regardless of how old we are. I chugged down my glass and drank another. By then I was kinda tipsy so I didn't feel hurt anymore. After dinner, my cousin showed off his watch his dad had given him and boy was it expensive ! Then he brought out his phone and showed me pictures of all the cool things he's done this year, all the cool famous people he's met and all the countries he went to. Right before ending lunch, he said he had a message from his friend for me. It was a voice message from one of his friends saying Hi to me. I asked him why the random message and he said " Oh he's gay too ". OUCH MUCH. I'm not out of the closet and luckily we weren't near my parents when he said that.
I was already in a horrible horrible mood by then and I was ready to jump off the 2nd floor if I needed to. Then we started opening presents. Yesterday in the car, I overheard my parents talking and my mom had actually not gotten me a present at all, I was fine with it but then she said " If worse comes to worse, well just get it tomorrow ". I couldn't sleep last night because I felt like my mom didn't even put effort into getting my gift and it made me really really sad. To make me feel even worse, the present opening session was a nightmare. I had received some book about electric guitars and I had to fake smile and said I loved it. I actually play the Classical guitar and I know nothing about electric guitars, I know I've told my extended family like dozens of times but I guess it's the thought that counts. Then it suddenly sparked this whole conversation where everyone was trying to convince to play a song for them. I told them I couldn't and that I can only play classical music. Then my uncle told me this story about some dude who had started out playing classical, and then he noticed that it wasn't getting him anywhere, so he switched to playing acoustic and now he's successful. It was like everyone wanted to throw a punch at me this Christmas, I mean maybe that story was supposed to inspire me, but what I got from that was that my 6 years of classical experience would never get me anywhere, and I just needed to play acoustic and I would be successful instead. Then my cousin opened his presents and my dad had gotten him a speaker ! He was so happy and he was like " I wanted one of these ! How did you know ? " and my dad replied " Because you said it last Christmas and I remembered ". Ouch dad, ouch. My dad hadn't gotten me a present this year either and I just took the bike he gave me as my Christmas gift. The bike was actually given to me last month and it was given to me so I could ride to school and that my parents wouldn't have to wake up at 6 everyday just to fetch me there. But I was trying to be grateful so I took that as my Christmas present.
By the end of all that I was a push away from breaking down and running out of the house but I was doing my best to keep calm. I was actually shaking when we were done and we were going to take a family picture. Everyone got into the picture and I thought I had given a small smile. But when the pictures came out, I was frowning, and I looked really angry and pissed. The entire picture everyone was smiling and laughing and I just stood there looking like The Grinch.
My cousin insisted we play some games before we go so I played too. I was so close to crying that I had to fake laugh everytime everyone else laughed. It felt so tiring to push myself to do all of that.
When we finally left, I was sitting in the back and I was ready for my parents to ask what's wrong. But it never came, they sat in front and talked as if nothing had ever happened. I was so ready to tell them about how I felt but they never even asked. I thought maybe they didn't notice so I just left it at that. So to drown out how I felt I quickly plugged in my earphones and blocked everything out. I came home and ran upstairs into my room and closed the door. I was exhausted so I decided to sleep off my feelings.
I woke up an hour ago to find my dad missing, we were supposed to go to this Christmas party tonight and my dad had left without telling me. I asked my mom why and she said that dad had left without me because I was being moody.
So my parents did know I was feeling horrible but they didn't even bother to ask ? I bet now my dads sitting at that party explaining to everyone " My son was being moody so I didn't bring him "
I really don't want to spoil today for anyone else but this year has been by far the worst. I'm now just sitting in my bed and I just want to punch a hole in the wall and hang myself after that.
Merry Christmas everyone.
Then it all went downhill from there. I don't exactly like spending time with my extended family because they make me feel like crap. So I was grumpy all the way to the house and when we ate I was super quiet and my face might not have shown it, but I was on the verge of crying, I only have one cousin on my paternal side and he's 3 years younger than me. I haven't seen them for months now and suddenly he grew so much. He's like less than a head shorter than me and I was so used to being a whole head taller. He was wearing like this pendant necklace and it was super cool, he had actually hand crafted that necklace and wow, it looked really good. Then throughout lunch my aunt kept calling my other aunt " model mom ", she repeatedly brought it up and I was offended because she never said it to my mom. Then to add salt into the wounds, she brought up my acne problem and complimented my cousins saying " You'll grow up into a tall handsome man ". I wanted to shrink down but thankfully my family serves wine regardless of how old we are. I chugged down my glass and drank another. By then I was kinda tipsy so I didn't feel hurt anymore. After dinner, my cousin showed off his watch his dad had given him and boy was it expensive ! Then he brought out his phone and showed me pictures of all the cool things he's done this year, all the cool famous people he's met and all the countries he went to. Right before ending lunch, he said he had a message from his friend for me. It was a voice message from one of his friends saying Hi to me. I asked him why the random message and he said " Oh he's gay too ". OUCH MUCH. I'm not out of the closet and luckily we weren't near my parents when he said that.
I was already in a horrible horrible mood by then and I was ready to jump off the 2nd floor if I needed to. Then we started opening presents. Yesterday in the car, I overheard my parents talking and my mom had actually not gotten me a present at all, I was fine with it but then she said " If worse comes to worse, well just get it tomorrow ". I couldn't sleep last night because I felt like my mom didn't even put effort into getting my gift and it made me really really sad. To make me feel even worse, the present opening session was a nightmare. I had received some book about electric guitars and I had to fake smile and said I loved it. I actually play the Classical guitar and I know nothing about electric guitars, I know I've told my extended family like dozens of times but I guess it's the thought that counts. Then it suddenly sparked this whole conversation where everyone was trying to convince to play a song for them. I told them I couldn't and that I can only play classical music. Then my uncle told me this story about some dude who had started out playing classical, and then he noticed that it wasn't getting him anywhere, so he switched to playing acoustic and now he's successful. It was like everyone wanted to throw a punch at me this Christmas, I mean maybe that story was supposed to inspire me, but what I got from that was that my 6 years of classical experience would never get me anywhere, and I just needed to play acoustic and I would be successful instead. Then my cousin opened his presents and my dad had gotten him a speaker ! He was so happy and he was like " I wanted one of these ! How did you know ? " and my dad replied " Because you said it last Christmas and I remembered ". Ouch dad, ouch. My dad hadn't gotten me a present this year either and I just took the bike he gave me as my Christmas gift. The bike was actually given to me last month and it was given to me so I could ride to school and that my parents wouldn't have to wake up at 6 everyday just to fetch me there. But I was trying to be grateful so I took that as my Christmas present.
By the end of all that I was a push away from breaking down and running out of the house but I was doing my best to keep calm. I was actually shaking when we were done and we were going to take a family picture. Everyone got into the picture and I thought I had given a small smile. But when the pictures came out, I was frowning, and I looked really angry and pissed. The entire picture everyone was smiling and laughing and I just stood there looking like The Grinch.
My cousin insisted we play some games before we go so I played too. I was so close to crying that I had to fake laugh everytime everyone else laughed. It felt so tiring to push myself to do all of that.
When we finally left, I was sitting in the back and I was ready for my parents to ask what's wrong. But it never came, they sat in front and talked as if nothing had ever happened. I was so ready to tell them about how I felt but they never even asked. I thought maybe they didn't notice so I just left it at that. So to drown out how I felt I quickly plugged in my earphones and blocked everything out. I came home and ran upstairs into my room and closed the door. I was exhausted so I decided to sleep off my feelings.
I woke up an hour ago to find my dad missing, we were supposed to go to this Christmas party tonight and my dad had left without telling me. I asked my mom why and she said that dad had left without me because I was being moody.
So my parents did know I was feeling horrible but they didn't even bother to ask ? I bet now my dads sitting at that party explaining to everyone " My son was being moody so I didn't bring him "
I really don't want to spoil today for anyone else but this year has been by far the worst. I'm now just sitting in my bed and I just want to punch a hole in the wall and hang myself after that.
Merry Christmas everyone.
22-25, M
