I wasn’t the me I wanted to be today.
The weekend was a bit much, especially yesterday when stress and disrespect (not towards me) were elevated at work so much that for the first time ever, I dropped the f-bomb in front of my boss. My regret over that persists today. But yesterday I had to meticulously navigate around all of that and protect others that I didn’t want to feel the full effects of the stress of. That meant taking it into myself more than I should’ve.
When I got home, my OG Hokas that always take care of me on 10+ days, were no match for the flexing of the muscles in not only my legs, but my entire body. The aches and pains were unreal as I found myself battling allergies once again. Through my scratchy throat I began to sing a random song I pieced together entitled “I’ve Waited All Fucking Day (For This Moment)” as I took out my earrings, removed my dainty necklaces, and took my hair down. It brought the laugh and the begin of the decompression needed.
But rest didn’t come so easily as my anxiety got heightened a little thinking of the doctor’s appointment I had waiting for me this morning.
I hadn’t taken my blood pressure once since I’ve been put on meds for it. The 180/90-whatever reading frightened me the first time around, even though my EKG was beautiful. I still didn’t want to be triggered…I didn’t want to fuel another panic attack if it was revealed that the medicine wasn’t working.
I felt like shit this morning, and wouldn’t have gone into town if I didn’t have that appointment. But I knew I needed to go. I had no food. No water. Just my protein smoothie, which was on me. My energy tank was already struggling.
Then the reading came.
119/81
Absolutely beautiful for me. The nurse, the doctor, and I all celebrated that win. It was a huge one for me.
The adrenaline from that great news didn’t last long though. My feet were dragging. My mind was a little scattered. And my want to enjoy a day to myself just not there. Plus, two of my guys at home were blowing up my phone…one being the…forgive me for saying this, but one being the now highly annoying and aggravating one that I married. Continuous messages asking me to pick up things for him and going over everything that was going on in his training class for his current promotion. And I simply have this thing with multiple texts and the haptic vibrations on my watch that comes. Claustrophobia maybe. Or bombardment that I’ve never done well with.
Anywho. My legs were entirely too heavy. My neck hurt every time I had to look left or right. And once parked, if I laid my head back I would instantly close my eyes and want to fall asleep. It was ridiculous. I hadn’t felt that drained since I had horrible sleep deprivation from my last son being born.
I had to grab me an iced coffee to help perk me up. It became less of the me day I wanted and more of a just get through it day.
I finally was able to make my way home, just to find all the guys greeting me and eager to bring everything in so I wouldn’t have to lift a finger. …I needed that and thanked them with what voice I had left. They were all concerned, and honestly, so was I because I hadn’t felt like that in ages. My balance was becoming a bit off and my vision wonky as I could finally allow myself to feel the full effects of everything that was demanding to be felt. With an accelerated heart rate, I laid down in my darkened room with my fan on full blast. Three small naps came within a half hour or so, each one ending with an adrenaline surge steeped from leftover stress I foolishly welcomed into me to “save” others the trouble. …I’ve really gotta stop doing that.
But after that reset, I felt more like me. And I instantly fell in love with that.
The rest of this Monday of all Mondays will be soft. Quiet. And noncommittal in an attempt to make my world small and manageable again. I’m starting to make it entirely too big to prove to myself that I can handle it when I clearly can’t. Sometimes I forget that I’m still healing on levels no one else can fathom.
Here’s to being more mindful and protective of myself. It’s definitely needed more than ever.
When I got home, my OG Hokas that always take care of me on 10+ days, were no match for the flexing of the muscles in not only my legs, but my entire body. The aches and pains were unreal as I found myself battling allergies once again. Through my scratchy throat I began to sing a random song I pieced together entitled “I’ve Waited All Fucking Day (For This Moment)” as I took out my earrings, removed my dainty necklaces, and took my hair down. It brought the laugh and the begin of the decompression needed.
But rest didn’t come so easily as my anxiety got heightened a little thinking of the doctor’s appointment I had waiting for me this morning.
I hadn’t taken my blood pressure once since I’ve been put on meds for it. The 180/90-whatever reading frightened me the first time around, even though my EKG was beautiful. I still didn’t want to be triggered…I didn’t want to fuel another panic attack if it was revealed that the medicine wasn’t working.
I felt like shit this morning, and wouldn’t have gone into town if I didn’t have that appointment. But I knew I needed to go. I had no food. No water. Just my protein smoothie, which was on me. My energy tank was already struggling.
Then the reading came.
119/81
Absolutely beautiful for me. The nurse, the doctor, and I all celebrated that win. It was a huge one for me.
The adrenaline from that great news didn’t last long though. My feet were dragging. My mind was a little scattered. And my want to enjoy a day to myself just not there. Plus, two of my guys at home were blowing up my phone…one being the…forgive me for saying this, but one being the now highly annoying and aggravating one that I married. Continuous messages asking me to pick up things for him and going over everything that was going on in his training class for his current promotion. And I simply have this thing with multiple texts and the haptic vibrations on my watch that comes. Claustrophobia maybe. Or bombardment that I’ve never done well with.
Anywho. My legs were entirely too heavy. My neck hurt every time I had to look left or right. And once parked, if I laid my head back I would instantly close my eyes and want to fall asleep. It was ridiculous. I hadn’t felt that drained since I had horrible sleep deprivation from my last son being born.
I had to grab me an iced coffee to help perk me up. It became less of the me day I wanted and more of a just get through it day.
I finally was able to make my way home, just to find all the guys greeting me and eager to bring everything in so I wouldn’t have to lift a finger. …I needed that and thanked them with what voice I had left. They were all concerned, and honestly, so was I because I hadn’t felt like that in ages. My balance was becoming a bit off and my vision wonky as I could finally allow myself to feel the full effects of everything that was demanding to be felt. With an accelerated heart rate, I laid down in my darkened room with my fan on full blast. Three small naps came within a half hour or so, each one ending with an adrenaline surge steeped from leftover stress I foolishly welcomed into me to “save” others the trouble. …I’ve really gotta stop doing that.
But after that reset, I felt more like me. And I instantly fell in love with that.
The rest of this Monday of all Mondays will be soft. Quiet. And noncommittal in an attempt to make my world small and manageable again. I’m starting to make it entirely too big to prove to myself that I can handle it when I clearly can’t. Sometimes I forget that I’m still healing on levels no one else can fathom.
Here’s to being more mindful and protective of myself. It’s definitely needed more than ever.
46-50, F
