It’s been a rough work week.
The air itself has been extremely heavy for me to push my light through, let alone my body. Our ventilation system conking out making the air even harder to withstand as the heat and smoke has been trapped all around us just adds to that.
The mood has been gloomy in a way that has been harder for me to even want to try to shift into a different direction because it’s been that powerful from numerous directions. There’s too much uncertainty felt from others. Concern for the future. Confusion as to what should happen next. It’s hard to navigate around that when you’re a highly empathetic person.
The new hires are starting to get comfortable enough to let their true personalities show, which I’m not a fan of what I’ve seen so far as a manager and as a human being. And the fact that basic protocols aren’t being retained and everyday feels like training day number one is a purely hellacious version of Groundhog Day.
I’m working longer hours to be that team player that’s needed right now, and because of that I’m seeing how the other shift moves and how they deliberately slack on their duties because my group “needs things to do” while we get pounded more every night with customers we have to keep up with the demands of.
Because of all of this and more I don’t feel like adding, I’ve been quiet. Quieter than usual. And when I do loosen up and do drift into that fun uplifting side that I adore and can usually tap into naturally, I’m instantly met with exhaustion after it’s burst because it’s apparently taking that much energy to project the happy, great to be here vibe. …and I don’t like that. At all. I have to love what I do. I have to care about what I do. I have to mesh with my staff otherwise my mind, heart…my entire being will start to reject the idea of me even being there, along with the need to do the right thing.
My week was fine until I got myself my favorite iced coffee Wednesday before my first long shift of the week, and my dog was so happy to see me back home that she knocked it out of my hand and it spilled onto the floor. It was going to be my emotional support blanket on what ended up being one of the worst days I’ve ever had at work, but it wasn’t her fault. I made sure she knew that as I cleaned it up and took a water to work instead. But she hat incident set me up for a shift that I haven’t been able to unlearn the disheartenment of.
Fast forward to tonight when I accidentally got hit with another steam burn as ten fans were going and the smoke that couldn’t be filtered out went into my lungs. I knew the second the steam hit me, I had fucked up. I didn’t even do anything to cause it. It just happened because of course it did.
But I haven’t been this drained from work in a long time, if ever. And my…I’m sad to say this…but my hatred for everything work related right now has never been so high. I need more light, man. I absolutely have to have it otherwise my soul will slowly die as my heart breaks doing something I don’t like whatsoever. It’s just not a way I can operate, especially after my last difficult chapter.
So, tomorrow I absolutely have to change the narrative. For my sake. I have to put up my shield and hold it tightly while everyone else takes care of themselves for a change so I focus on building up my light again, because I can’t be everyone’s “person” if I can’t even be my own. I have to put myself once in a while and I refuse to look down on myself for that. (I think writing it out will help me believe that statement more. I’m trying here.)
But to help me get back to where I need and what to be will require some things.
I’ve been told the ventilation system will be fixed tomorrow morning by the repair man who charged me $300 an hour for electrical work…his friends and family discount…so at that rate, it better be fixed up real good. I have faith that it will be or Zeus himself will bring a force of lightning that will show him how electricity truly works.
Tomorrow night I work with “the” crew…the one crew that I absolutely love because everyone is on their shit and they have great senses of humor. It makes that rough night very tolerable.
It’s not going to be a long one. It’s my last shortish shift on what’s considered the weekend, so that’s definitely something for me to soak in.
And in the morning, I’m getting my favorite iced coffee again…and I’m going to hold onto it for dear life as I walk through the door. Not a drop will be spilt unless it’s down my welcoming throat, as nature intended.
But this week? It hasn’t been a good look for me at all, and I’ll be damned if I get dragged into the suckage that can come from a job you hate but have to endure to earn a living in this world. I can’t be that person whose light is drained from them in such a way. I can’t afford to be, in ways that have absolutely nothing to do with money.
We’ll see what happens. Just wanted to put this out there in case I end up on the national news because it all went sideways 🤪
The mood has been gloomy in a way that has been harder for me to even want to try to shift into a different direction because it’s been that powerful from numerous directions. There’s too much uncertainty felt from others. Concern for the future. Confusion as to what should happen next. It’s hard to navigate around that when you’re a highly empathetic person.
The new hires are starting to get comfortable enough to let their true personalities show, which I’m not a fan of what I’ve seen so far as a manager and as a human being. And the fact that basic protocols aren’t being retained and everyday feels like training day number one is a purely hellacious version of Groundhog Day.
I’m working longer hours to be that team player that’s needed right now, and because of that I’m seeing how the other shift moves and how they deliberately slack on their duties because my group “needs things to do” while we get pounded more every night with customers we have to keep up with the demands of.
Because of all of this and more I don’t feel like adding, I’ve been quiet. Quieter than usual. And when I do loosen up and do drift into that fun uplifting side that I adore and can usually tap into naturally, I’m instantly met with exhaustion after it’s burst because it’s apparently taking that much energy to project the happy, great to be here vibe. …and I don’t like that. At all. I have to love what I do. I have to care about what I do. I have to mesh with my staff otherwise my mind, heart…my entire being will start to reject the idea of me even being there, along with the need to do the right thing.
My week was fine until I got myself my favorite iced coffee Wednesday before my first long shift of the week, and my dog was so happy to see me back home that she knocked it out of my hand and it spilled onto the floor. It was going to be my emotional support blanket on what ended up being one of the worst days I’ve ever had at work, but it wasn’t her fault. I made sure she knew that as I cleaned it up and took a water to work instead. But she hat incident set me up for a shift that I haven’t been able to unlearn the disheartenment of.
Fast forward to tonight when I accidentally got hit with another steam burn as ten fans were going and the smoke that couldn’t be filtered out went into my lungs. I knew the second the steam hit me, I had fucked up. I didn’t even do anything to cause it. It just happened because of course it did.
But I haven’t been this drained from work in a long time, if ever. And my…I’m sad to say this…but my hatred for everything work related right now has never been so high. I need more light, man. I absolutely have to have it otherwise my soul will slowly die as my heart breaks doing something I don’t like whatsoever. It’s just not a way I can operate, especially after my last difficult chapter.
So, tomorrow I absolutely have to change the narrative. For my sake. I have to put up my shield and hold it tightly while everyone else takes care of themselves for a change so I focus on building up my light again, because I can’t be everyone’s “person” if I can’t even be my own. I have to put myself once in a while and I refuse to look down on myself for that. (I think writing it out will help me believe that statement more. I’m trying here.)
But to help me get back to where I need and what to be will require some things.
I’ve been told the ventilation system will be fixed tomorrow morning by the repair man who charged me $300 an hour for electrical work…his friends and family discount…so at that rate, it better be fixed up real good. I have faith that it will be or Zeus himself will bring a force of lightning that will show him how electricity truly works.
Tomorrow night I work with “the” crew…the one crew that I absolutely love because everyone is on their shit and they have great senses of humor. It makes that rough night very tolerable.
It’s not going to be a long one. It’s my last shortish shift on what’s considered the weekend, so that’s definitely something for me to soak in.
And in the morning, I’m getting my favorite iced coffee again…and I’m going to hold onto it for dear life as I walk through the door. Not a drop will be spilt unless it’s down my welcoming throat, as nature intended.
But this week? It hasn’t been a good look for me at all, and I’ll be damned if I get dragged into the suckage that can come from a job you hate but have to endure to earn a living in this world. I can’t be that person whose light is drained from them in such a way. I can’t afford to be, in ways that have absolutely nothing to do with money.
We’ll see what happens. Just wanted to put this out there in case I end up on the national news because it all went sideways 🤪
46-50, F
