Perhaps another ten years

I'm old. It's my birthday this month and I'm not going to celebrate it. Not only have my physical habilities gone; my looks, my physical achievements, etc. my mental prowess is going now too. I feel like a wreck on a rocky ocean. This ship is never going to reach harbour again. I'm not kept shipshape and I'm not loved. Yes, perhaps that's what I feel now and then there's the ship's cat, but otherwise, none. Love is unselfish and should offer one almost unconditional trust and reliability. I'm a ship adrift. The ocean will eventually take me. I hope that it will be sudden and painless. Another ten years, perhaps. First need to send off my dad who's ailing and then I'll be free of his love too. I cry myself to sleep because I'm so unhappy. My job is about as terrible as it gets. Books aren't about books any more, but it's all about events to plan and do. Somehow one needs to cater to people's last hurray on the Titanic and be damned anyone who actually wants to learn any more. Trust the television at face value. That's what we're heading for. I've been foolish there but I've been really stupid concerning my love life. I had a friend once who died alone. Perhaps I'm not heading there but it sure feels like it. There's this constant mirage. Is it a plane or just my imagination? I don't know and I don't care any more. I get to sleep and go to work somehow. I live from day to day. Not happily because there's no destination any more. Culture is as upsetting as ocean dumping nowadays. One doesn't even enjoy anything any more. One can't because there's no-one there and the effort isn't appreciated either. I pet my old cat and I know that she'll probably have five years tops. It makes me all cry, especially the thought that it was all for nout.

Tastyfrzz · 61-69, M

Hmmm... I'm ten years older than you. My parents and brother are gone now. The ex is busy shoveling snow at her place up north. One GF (celibate) died 14 years ago and the current vegetarian one is seven years older and is having lots of joint issues and no libido. (It's ironic how many women I've known but how little physical intimacy I've actually experienced.)

My kid and Kristin's Kids are grown and gone. Kristi's girl (at age thirty) seems to finally be dealing with her drinking problem stemming from her father's abuse and has now started calling me dad instead.

My engineering job is nearing its' end. I have existential decisions to make for the farm, my medical device business, where I'll live, what I keep, and who I'll spend my remaining life with. Some of them will greatly affect the lives of others.
The kid overseas that I got off of the streets and put through nursing school so he can support his mom and younger sister. The divorced high school sweetheart that has no retirement savings and a big mortgage and wants me to move in with her (shudder the thought). I'll be striking the set as such.

The dog is sixteen years old so every day with him is a gift. I have pretty much complete ED and have had gout but my years of relative inactivity have left my joints in good condition. Have my teeth but they're whiter than ever thanks to crowns. At least they don't hurt. The cold is over but the winter cough hits once a day. My goal for the weekend is to winnow and process a kg of african cacoa beans and practice spanish some more. One day at a time I guess.

val70 · 51-55

@Tastyfrzz I recognise many things in there. Albeit perhaps you've never fell in love with a mirage yet. I could hate love but I can't. It's complicated, now that's truth in spades

Tastyfrzz · 61-69, M

@val70 In love with a mirage? Isn’t all love kind of like that? The people we think we love are not necessarily the actual people we're imagining them to be. How could we? We haven't lived their lives. We do not reslly know their intentions
They could be canibles in reality. If they are just fake, imaginary, AI hallucinations it might be all for the best. If "Oh, for the love if God!" Or, " Yes, Jesus loves me." Are examined in that light, then we all are fools because in reality, they probably are just constructs to control us with nonexistant shame. Love takes a lot of faith.