My life can be so horrible until suddenly it's not. When facing something that makes no sense in the context of who I imagine I currently am, but only makes sense in the context of who I have always wanted to be.
The contradiction forces you to choose, the past or the future. You know where the past leads, in circles of misery that are ever so familiar and comforting, and the future that is open to the unpredictable and the terrifying happening, but also teases you with a new reality in a new world.
I know which one I want to chose, but I also know the strength and power of the easier path backwards. I guess I'll just pray then, for the strength and courage to at least try to reach for the kind of beauty I've always wanted to be close to.
Please remove all this fear and pain, I don't deserve it anymore, I never did.
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The misery loop feels more like a tricky maze. The only way out I know of is, in order to get something you never had, you have to do things you’ve never done. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ might take a few tries but It’s worked for me when I’ve used it. I still need to do it more too.
@Harlow I think you are right. I'm glad it worked well for you. I think you are pretty together so I will take that to heart. Still feeling very low and it's taken a while just to write this.. Thank you.
